a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3
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“What can you tell us about the ruins?” Margaretta asked.
Averi reached out for Lidia, smacking her lightly in her shoulder. She grasped their hand and patted it. “We have guests. Do we have refreshments?”
“Can I get you two anything to drink? Or eat?” Lidia asked, keeping Averi’s hand between her own. They seemed comforted by this.
“We’re fine,” Margaretta said, dismissively.
Isadora frowned. “But thank you for the offer,” she said, before Margaretta could speak again. “It was very kind. We’ve just eaten before we came, though.”
Lidia shot her an appreciative smile, as Margaretta leaned forward in her seat.
“What do you remember of your expedition to the ruins?” Margaretta asked Averi, eyes focused and steely.
Averi tilted their head like a bird. “The ruins? Of what?” They glanced around the room. “There was one in Market Square last week. Dreadful mess. Those kids, running about as they do.” They shook their head. “Dreadful mess.”
“No, your expedition south. You went to the ruins and came back. What happened?”
“Expedition,” Averi said, as if trying out the word. They squeezed Lidia’s hand, who was beginning to look a little uncomfortable. They shook their head again. “Dreadful mess. Lidia, you remember now, tell them about the mess and those kids.”
Margaretta leaned back in her chair, brow deepened.
Isadora held out her hand. “I think she means the Sundown Ruins. The ruins to the south, the most recent of the kingdoms that fell. They said it was named for the clear view of the sun setting each night from the palace.”
Quick as a flash, Averi glanced towards her, squinted. They sighed, almost wistfully.
“The Sundown Ruins. Huge and towering, even collapsed as it is. Marble columns with elegantly carvings, and huge open terraces with beautiful designs. There’s not a place better to watch the sunset. They had a coliseum, you know. Rows and rows of seating that rose like slopes.” Averi’s gaze became unfocused, and they stared upwards, expression vacant.
Lidia looked a little surprised, but quickly assured them by patting their hand again.
“How do you know what it looks like?” Isadora asked, carefully. She wasn’t sure why, but she felt like she was traversing thin pathways over a ravine, gaping below her.
Averi nodded dazedly. “Saw it,” they said. Then, they began flailing their hand around in Lidia’s grasp. “Merrill, the windows. Its drafty.”
Lidia let go of their hand. “Of course.” She stood and hurried over towards the farthest window.
Isadora got up and followed her, giving Margaretta a quick glance as she approached Lidia. Lidia glanced towards her and offered her a smile as she pulled the twin panels back and locked them.
“They call me that sometimes. Like I said, they have trouble remembering.” She went to the next window. “Merrill was one of his companions on the expedition.”
“Have they ever told you about the ruins, or their experience?” Isadora asked. “Or do you know anything? I don’t want to interrogate them, especially if it’ll upset them.”
“I appreciate that,” Lidia said, and paused. “I don’t know much. They have terrors at night they take forever to calm down from. Their whole team disappeared. Sometimes they mention them. They told me once never to play cards with Karalina. When it’s especially bad, they’ll try to talk to them.” She shrugged helplessly. “I know what happened after. They came back blind, they panic when they hear loud noises. They were out of it for weeks when they were brought back, and I mean nonresponsive, dozing in and out of consciousness, it was very strange. They were brought back by some travellers from the coastal settlement, all the way south. And… they had injuries, but not the sort that would make you think that it had caused blindness.”
She glanced over towards Averi and Margaretta. Averi had somehow acquired a painted ceramic of a jackalope and was showing it to Margaretta, who looked to be suffering the unrelated topic.
“Do you think it was the curse?” she dared to ask, because it was the question dangling in front of her like an irresistible honeycomb.
Lidia chewed her lip. “I couldn’t say, honestly. It was very peculiar. There was… The mages that tended to Averi, they said it was like there was what they thought could have been some brand of magic, but it was strange and unlike anything anyone had ever seen before. Maybe it wasn’t magic at all. They really couldn’t tell.” She chewed up her fingernails, worry lines creasing the corners of her eyes. “We’ve tried to keep it quiet, so they didn’t get hounded by people who wanted to know the truth, because the truth is that I don’t think they remember. And, if they do, they’re not going to give it up. It’s not their body that took the worst of the damage.”
Isadora’s heart ached. “I wish there was some way I could help,” she said. “I’m sorry for Margaretta by the way. She’s anxious to get to the ruins, and we were supposed to go to the Marrow Valley first, but we lost people to a pair of young rocs. We don’t want to lose any more.”
“I’m so sorry to hear that,” Lidia said. “And I understand. I wish there was more I could offer.” She wrung out her hands, glancing towards Averi. Then she exhaled deeply and bowed her head. “Look, you’ll have to talk to them about it. They came back with a journal. It’s stained and muddy and a wreck, it was the only thing they had with them. But it’s indecipherable. We had a few people try to read it, but nobody can.”
She bit the inside of her cheek. “But Averi can read it?”
“I honestly don’t know. I don’t think they wrote it.” Lidia sighed. “I’ve asked, and they’ve avoided answering. They don’t even like to see it most days. But they don’t like me touching it either. I don’t think they’d allow anyone else to read it, but you’re welcome to try if you think it will help. I would hate to see anyone else hurt like this.”
“If it has any indication of what may be to come, I’d like to at least try,” Isadora said. “If you’re sure it’s all right.”
Lidia glanced towards Averi and shrugged. “It’s not mine, it’s not up to me.”
With the windows all closed now, Lidia approached Averi again, who glanced over at the sound of her shoes clicking on the floor. “Lidia, tell our guest about the mess in the Market Square the other day.”
“Averi, Isadora here would like to ask you if you could do her a favour,” Lidia said, crouching next to Averi’s chair and putting her arm out in front of them. She guided their hand into hers.
“That’s right,” Isadora said, sitting down once more. Averi glanced over in her direction at the sound of her voice. “Lidia mentioned that you have something that may help us. A journal.”
Averi leaned back, and she watched their fingers tighten around Lidia’s. “What are you talking about?”
“A journal,” she said again, trying to soften her voice as much as she could. “About the Sundown Ruins. That maybe would help us in our expedition. We’re going to the ruins, to see them.”
They jerked awkwardly in their chair. “You can’t!” They smacked Lidia’s hand. “Tell them they can’t!”
“If you don’t want them to see the journal, that’s all right—”
“No, the ruins! They can’t go to the ruins!” Averi shook their head vigorously. “It is a fool’s errand, you’ll all die! You cannot go to the ruins— you’ll die!”
Margaretta leaned forward calmly. “We are trying to understand them, to make them safe. I assure you, we have taken every precaution, and I believe we have the key to getting into the ruins, that no one else would have had.”
Averi shrunk into themself and used Lidia’s hand like a shield in front of their face. “You’ll die,” they repeated.
“That’s why we would like to see the journal,” Isadora added, quietly. “We want to know what we’re walking into.”
Averi stayed hidden behind Lidia’s hand for several minutes, their breathing ragged and uneven. Lidia was murmuring to them, too low for Isadora to hear, and coaxing them into lowering their hand.
Then they let out a shuddering breath and closed their eyes.
“Truthfully, I don’t know what Spyder wrote in that journal. You know where it is?” they asked Lidia.
She smiled. “I do. I’ll go grab it.”
“Good.” Averi opened their eyes, glassy and distant. As Lidia began to leave, they frowned. “Lidia.”
“Yes?”
They cocked their head. “We have guests. You should get them refreshments.”
word count:
1,463
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hey <3
Haha I'm glad Isa came; otherwise Margaretta probably wouldn't have been very appreciative and she might have made Averi and Lidia uncomfortable cx
Aww. I love the way you portrayed this
Yay, of course Isa was able to get to her c:
This is such a unique description!!
Ah, I figured that was the case when I read that name. (I think you meant "one of their companions"?) But I guess Merrill didn't make it back if she's the only surviving one. That's terrible
Ahh, that's so terrible. I can only imagine the pain she must've endured after the expedition was over. Imagine being the only surviving member of the team. Ahh that's so terrible I feel so bad
I cannot explain the eerie feeling this chapter is giving me. You've set up the mood so nicely for this chapter!
</3 ahhhhh
Dude the foreboding feeling is so strong. I'm so worried about their expedition now
Gah I love your ending. I think this chapter was so amazingly written <3
I wonder what led to Averi deciding to give up the journal! Maybe it was her way of letting go; maybe it gave her some ease, lifted a burden off of her shoulders. That was my initial thought when she gave it up.
I've said this a bajillion times, but this chapter felt so well written to me. I think you wrote Averi fantastically, and the atmosphere was perfect. I'm nervous to find out what's in that journal; there's just something strange? weird? about reading the thoughts of a person who is no longer here
I freaking love Averi. What a unique character, to have a survivor of the ruins with lifelong effects resulting from their trip. Sounds like they're battling memory loss as well as a detachment from reality itself, let alone blindness (now confirmed by Lidia) and... maybe their legs too if he's in a wheelchair? Though that could be presumptuous of me. Regardless, there's quite a list of symptoms that are rather alarming.
The idea of a journal is always fun to play with, especially when it's one that no one else can read. And even Averi can't read it, I guess, if they're blind? But they still must know very well what's inside the journal to be so protective of it. I wonder why they're so protective of this journal that they and no one can read/understand. Is it written in code/a foreign language, or are the contents simply hard to understand to an outsider?
They also seemed to let go of it pretty quick, considering the build-up from Lidia and how unlikely it seemed they'd give it up. I didn't really think they'd get the journal when I considered how much was left of the chapter BUT NOW I'M STOKED. I get to see what's insiiiide!
I found it funny how it was Isadora who zero'd in on Lidia rather than Margaretta, who seems like the person to take matter into her own hands. But I was also internally proud of Isadora for having that kind of initiative when her only companion is friggin Margaretta. I do think that Margaretta would also rather speak with Lidia, who is a far more responsive human being, and since Margaretta simply wants to get to the point and move quickly, it feels like Lidia would be the one Margaretta talks to. I'm not sure how Margaretta allowed herself to get sidelined like that, stuck with talking to Averi about marketplace stories, but I kind felt for her. xD As someone who also likes to move efficiently, I feel she'd have at the very least nudged Isadora to talk to Lidia in her place, but something tells me Margaretta isn't much of a team player and would prefer doing it herself.
And yet, I can't help but think Margaretta had a plan for Isadora when she asked her to come along, so I wonder how she planned to mentor Isadora here during this visit. Maybe she knew Isadora was friendlier and already banked on her people skills for this visit, so Isadora approaching Lidia may ultimately be part of Margaretta's plan anyway.
I love how this chapter ended. It totally gave me goosebumps, and it was a perfect time to remind the reader that Averi isn't 100% mentally there. I totally cheated and looked at a comment of yours from a different review, and I'm sad to think we might not meet Averi again. I think for that reason, we could really milk their character a bit more here because I don't want their symptoms to be overlooked. Clearly something happened to them, and I don't think Isadora is really bothered about it at all, so I'm likely to forget about them. Maybe Averi would come up in discussion later? About the "symptoms of the curse" or something. There's just clearly a lot to take in here, and maybe the pacing of the chapter didn't really work hand-in-hand with the chapter's subject matter.
I totally smiled, though, when Lidia knew exactly where the book was. She had mentioned before other people trying and failing to read it, so I wonder exactly how many people tried to read it in the past or how often it happens. For Lidia to just be like IMMEDIATELY responsive about its location makes me wonder. What if some other party came before them? Jax maybe?? (Though Ithink the purpose of this visit was because Jax couldn't visit maybe? I'm on a mobile device, so it's a little more challenging for me to dig up that info right now. I'll look it up later!)
But hey, we got the journaaaal! I love journals. I love them so much and I really look forward to reading about it!
Hey there mel! Tuck back to chip away at the green room, one chapter at a time.
Overall, I really enjoy the mystery that you show here. Averi is certainly an interesting character, and I felt that you did a good job distinguishing between the tone of the narration and Averi’s individual voice. I also enjoyed seeing the way in which Isadora acted as a mediator between her slightly harsher companion and Lidia, and the way that she treated Averi respectfully yet gently. Your characterization felt consistent through this, and I feel that I can relate to Isadora’s go-getter attitude combined with a desire to treat everyone around her with respect.
These are two instances in which you show rather than tell. Throughout the rest of the chapter, you do a pretty good job of showing the reader through body language cues and movements how the character is feeling, but these were two direct instances of telling the reader how the character is feeling rather than showing that should be touched up.
I would also encourage you to consider writing Averi as a character with PTSD, since they’ve been through a traumatic experience and clearly suffer from some symptoms of PTSD. PTSD is both underrepresented and misrepresented all too often in media, so it could be a really neat opportunity for you to more correctly write a character with PTSD. You show some symptoms very well – like the nightmares, the reluctance to talk about events, anxiety surrounding the event, etc., but there are some other common symptoms and manifestations of PTSD that are absent from your writing. Self-destructive behaviors, loneliness, isolation, and guilt are more symptoms of PTSD that could be worked into your writing to not only write a fuller character, but also educate readers on PTSD.
I also found Averi’s sudden willingness to talk about and read the journal as soon as Isadora asked to seem out-of-character, especially since Lidia had told Isadora that Averi could barely talk about the journal. While they did experience some severe distress, they seemed to calm down and then talk about the journal calmly and without any signs of anxiety. To me, it would feel more natural if Averi had a sudden and harsh reaction and then began to slowly warm up to the idea as Isadora explained the importance of this mission. At the very least, a better transition between the Averi who can barely talk about the journal to a caretaker to the Averi who shows a more or less complete willingness to talk about and read through the journal with some strangers (I’m assuming?) would be helpful.
I think that about wraps up my thoughts on this chapter! The supernatural elements and the introduction of more interesting characters kept me engaged throughout this chapter. Writing Averi more officially as a character with PTSD and sharpening that transition in Averi’s willingness to talk about and share the journal could strengthen this installment. If you have any questions about this review, please feel free to reach out!
Best,
Tuck
I agree that Averi's letting go of the journal really needs some workshopping! my justification of them relenting so easily was when Lidia asked about it, it was a case of curiosity and they didn't want her to see it partially because it was all they had left of their friends but also so she didn't have to see it (because there are some things INSIDE the journal that are,,, concerning lol) and be frightened of it, whereas with Margaretta Isadora, it actually has information/frightening appearances (like blood smeared in the pages) where it will either 1) help them on the expedition 2) scare them away from going on it so nobody else has to die on the expedition.
also!! re: Averi's PTSD, I honestly didn't write them with the lens of them having PTSD, though you're right, they would absolutely have it. I should probably keep that in mind the next time I write this scene, though I don't want to be overbearing and try to shove as many symptoms in to like, shove down the readers throat that Averi has PTSD, if that makes sense? Averi is only in one chapter and for only a short time in the scene, so I don't want to push symptoms in just for the sake of putting them in, if that makes sense? but I definitely need to think about it while I'm writing them (tbh I've done so much research it might have slunk in anyway??? but also you're absolutely right)
thank you again for your chapter reviews!! they are most appreciated <333
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And time for part 2.
First Impression: Oh wow. The ruins sound like an excellent vacation spot. I'd love to go there. Also a lot of very cryptic messages in this one. Now I am dying to find out what happens when they get to the ruins.
Anyway let's get to it,
Somebody is in a very bad mood.
I love the way you capture this. It works really well and shows quite nicely that Averi is suffering from some problems with her mental health.
Nice little sneak peak at that description.
I think that's supposed to be their.
They is used a lot in this paragraph. I think you have to vary that a bit with an Averi thrown in their occasionally or it sounds very repetitive.
Well that's sounds like it is going to maybe play quite a major role in the coming chapters.
So I'm assuming this dislike is recent. Or else no one would have been able to even attempt to read this earlier.
Ominous signs.
The number of times that she has gone about mentioning this key is a little alarming. What if someone actually connects the dots? Can't she just say we believe we are better equipped or something along those lines.
Well...really depiction of the mental issues as I said earlier.
Aaand that's it. Waiting eagerly for more. *Sends more motivational miracle vibes to help out*
Think you meant for that to be on the right. Just saying.
Overall: Okay...the plot is definitely getting interesting. I believe that this stage is know that new questions stage where you are building the tension and the hype for the second arc of the story where they actually get to the ruins. As I said earlier the characters that you were introduced were done really well. Maybe the one issue is that Isadora is taking charge quite a bit here with Margaret content to let her take the lead. That sounds a little out of character. Or maybe Margaret dragged Isadora along to make her take the lead and use her to convince Averi? If it's the latter then it's fine or else its a little off.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry