z

Young Writers Society



Children with Stars in their Veins (Chapter 19.2)

by mellifera


a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3

*

[Ember]

“Artemesa!” Cassius suddenly cried and took off without any further warning.

“Cassius!” she called after him, but he was already disappearing into the stairwell and the shroud of night. In the distance, fire crackled.

She shook Alanna, still struggling. There were shouts coming from behind them, the direction they’d come. “Pika, we need to go. We need to find Cassius.” And, for good measure, she shook her again.

There were tears glistening on Alanna’s cheeks, but she finally stopped fighting. To be safe, she clasped her hand tightly around Alanna’s wrist, as firm as she could. Rowan stayed behind them, ushering them forward. They cast another spell, but her ears were ringing too much to decipher what he had said. She knew little of the language of magic anyway. She saw a flash of lights and colours, and that was it.

When they got downstairs, everything was washed in a harsh blue glow. Fire licked at the edges of the walls, catching banners and painting and the rugs in its hungry, devouring path. People were shouting, faraway.

“The basement,” Rowan said. They took the lead now, in a hurry to escape the ravenous flames. The heat was intense, and the glittering smoke was suffocating.

Something in her felt alive, and she had a brief and utterly foolish notion to run right into the fire.

As they wheeled around a corner, they ran right into another of the grey-clad figures. Rowan fell backwards, as did the figure, but the latter recovered faster. They reached for a flask attached to their hip. Rowan twisted forwards, towards the figure, and grabbed the edge of the rug they stood upon.

She saw what they were going for and leapt forward onto her knees to help. She braced for the impact of her knees against the rough hardwood, but it didn’t come. The figure was twisting the cap off the flask.

“Now!” Rowan shouted, and they both yanked back the rug. The figure stumbled backwards, dropping the flask. They stepped once too far back, and a fluttering piece of their clothing caught aflame.

She reached for Rowan as they did to her, and they pulled each other up. She turned back to Alanna, watching with eyes as wide as moons, and held out her hand.

Alanna took it, and they were off again.

They made it to the storage closet in barely enough time. Flames were licking up the doorframe. Rowan hesitated.

She let go of Alanna and sprinted forward, right underneath the greedy blue fire. She heard Alanna cry out, but she made it to the other side unscathed.

As the other two rushed in behind her, she was already positioning herself on the ladder leading down to the dungeons.

“Ori! Shut the door when you come down!” she shouted, before beginning the descent down.

Once she was on the ground, she waited to help Alanna, and then ran for the barracks room where they had smuggled Artemesa.

The dungeons had yet to be touched by the flames, so aside from Cassius’ obvious panic influencing the tension in the air, Artemesa looked unaffected. She was nuzzling into Cassius’ shoulder, who was crouched in front of her. He stood as she entered, his face stained with ash that sparkled. The dragonling continued to rub her snout against his hip, whether to comfort him or herself though was unclear.

Rowan and Alanna spilled in behind her. Rowan’s hair was frizzy and almost completely loose from their braided bun. Alanna looked shocked, tears cleaning a track down her grubby cheeks.

She rushed to Cassius and threw her arms around him, pulling him tight against her. “You stupid, stupid boy,” she said. “You couldn’t have been caught or hurt.”

“I had to get to Artemesa,” he said. He gave her a reassuring squeeze, but he shuddered against her and his breath caught. “They’re after us. Something about power we have, and a plot. Do you think we’ll be safe down here?”

“They were planning to grab us quietly, during the night. No fuss, no noise. If they planned well, they’ll probably know where we could hide.” Rowan’s face was set, grim and determined. “We have to get out of here until it’s safe.”

A clatter came from above, and through the opened doorway, the sound of the trapdoor slamming against stone.

Artemesa growled and snapped her jaws together. Cassius touched the top of her head. “Out the sewer,” he said. “Let’s go.”

She approached Alanna and gently, but firmly, grabbed her shoulders. “C’mon,” she said to the shell-shocked girl. Alanna complied, but whether it was the motion, or she had actually heard Ember was unknown.

Rowan shut the door and whispered something to the door handle. A click, and then they turned towards the other, eyes glossed over and the wave of blue rippling through their hair.

They hurried down the stairs and to the sewers. Artemesa was nearly too big this time, having grown quite considerably in such a short time, but with the urgency of the situation and perhaps some luck, she squeezed through the entrance to the sewers.

It was as pungent and repulsive as last time, but the tang of smoke and the echoes of the roaring fire were overwhelming her senses. She kept her grip on Alanna firm, making sure she didn’t stumble or try to escape.

They made it to the grate without issue, and Rowan paused. They watched Cassius open swing open the rusted hatch without trouble and chewed their lip.

Once they were all out into the cool night, almost clear as a crystal save for the chaos inside the Citadel, they stopped. “I’m going to try something dangerous. Everyone stand back.” Stepping forward, they placed their hand just inside the grate, onto the smooth granite before them. “Pulverem hoc eas subter ad minuere.”

The tunnel began to shake, cracks running along the stone and streaking back into the direction they had come. Rowan stumbled back, and then nodded towards the woods. As the stone holding the sewers together began to crumble, they turned and ran into the trees.

“The village!” she said as they ran. “Lady Sylvania will shelter us!”

“Don’t think they’ll check the village next?” Cassius pointed out. “The adults are scared of the forest. Let’s head north around the village and wait until they’ve left!”

“I agree with Cassius,” Rowan said, breath thin and quick. “Get them off our trail first, and they’ll we’ll worry about what comes next!”

They ran until Cassius was wheezing and Rowan was visibly straining not to do the same. They had made their way up a ridge that she wasn’t sure had been there last time she had been here. Then again, she wasn’t sure where they were at all anyway.

Adrenaline sung in her veins, coursing like magma for the heat of it. Her lungs burned from the run, and from the acrid smoke she had inhaled, and she coughed. Alanna collapsed onto the ground as they stopped, flat on her back, and stared at the sky, looking shattered.

The pain where she had landed on her knees began to flare up, and she grit her teeth. Cassius had his hand on his boot, sitting on the ground, and the other on Artemesa’s neck.

“It’s raining,” Alanna said softly.

They all turned towards the Citadel. As if backlit against the severe darkness, the rain was lit up in sharp contrast. Her heart stuttered as she held out her palm, and a drop landed in the centre of her palm. It shrivelled.

It was not rain, though. It was ash.

The Citadel was alight. In the lower windows, the glow of the sapphire magefire crept towards the glass.

But the upper floor fire wasn’t blue, it was resplendent and golden. It was creeping out windows, climbing up the walls as if they were made of nothing but dried wood.

And then, with a horrible noise, the tower closest to the living quarters crumpled over, and crashed to the dry riverbed below. The bell that it screamed as it hit the earth, and it echoed over the land like a final cry.

A lump rose in her throat and soon, her vision was too blurry to see more than the smears of orange and blue as the Citadel burned. Ash dappled the sky now, even brighter than the stars, and smoke billowed up as if from great pyres.

“There’s plenty of ways to escape,” Rowan said behind them, the only one still standing. “We’ll make sure everyone’s fine, when we return.”

“Yeah,” she said, and then covered her mouth to cover the whimper that left it.

word count:

1,452

pulverem hoc eas subter ad minuere = (roughly) reduce this tunnel to rubble


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
465 Reviews


Points: 29825
Reviews: 465

Donate
Wed Oct 07, 2020 11:20 pm
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



I don't remember where we left off even though I just read it yesterday, but I guess I'll find out xD

“Cassius!” she called after him, but he was already disappearing into the stairwell and the shroud of night. In the distance, fire crackled.


Well since we just started the chapter, I think it would be nice if you could say "Ember" instead of "she." Or maybe you did this cause technically this isn't a chapter by itself and you split it off, and in 19.1 you had said the name "Ember" recently, so if you combined them, the "she" would make sense. Just thought I'd point it out if the former is the case :D

They cast another spell, but her ears were ringing too much to decipher what he had said.


You said "they cast a spell" so I assumed you were talking about Rowan, but then you said "he" so I'm confused cx

When they got downstairs, everything was washed in a harsh blue glow. Fire licked at the edges of the walls, catching banners and painting and the rugs in its hungry, devouring path. People were shouting, faraway.


Nice descriptions! c:

Artemesa looked unaffected.


Yay!

A clatter came from above, and through the opened doorway, the sound of the trapdoor slamming against stone.


Just wanted to say that I think you have built tension quite nicely! I'm very engrossed into this and worried cx

The dragonling continued to rub her snout against his hip, whether to comfort him or herself though was unclear.

Alanna complied, but whether it was the motion, or she had actually heard Ember was unknown.


Okay this is not a big deal, but you kind of have the same phrasing going on which felt a bit repetitive. Thought I'd point it out :)

The tunnel began to shake, cracks running along the stone and streaking back into the direction they had come. Rowan stumbled back, and then nodded towards the woods. As the stone holding the sewers together began to crumble, they turned and ran into the trees.


You have been introducing so much magic and it's great <3

“It’s raining,” Alanna said softly.


I love this line because it cracked the tension with a trivial thing and the word "softly"

It was not rain, though. It was ash.


Okay, so maybe it wasn't trivial xD

BUT I REMEMBER, didn't that person in Sylvia's house foreshadow ash??? AHH

A lump rose in her throat and soon, her vision was too blurry to see more than the smears of orange and blue as the Citadel burned. Ash dappled the sky now, even brighter than the stars, and smoke billowed up as if from great pyres


Such harrowing imagery in this section and places before (wasn't going to quote all of it haha). Wow, it really makes this scene all the more impactful

“There’s plenty of ways to escape,” Rowan said behind them, the only one still standing. “We’ll make sure everyone’s fine, when we return.”

“Yeah,” she said, and then covered her mouth to cover the whimper that left it.


Are they just trying to convince themself </3

OKAY so like every chapter has something bad going on and is ending on a sad note, and there are so many more chapters left. I can definitely see the conflicts escalating, and that worries me (about the actual story/characters, nothing with your writing or anything xD) I'm so invested in this ahaha




User avatar
4102 Reviews


Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102

Donate
Sat Jun 20, 2020 5:32 pm
View Likes
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever it is in your part of the world),

Three more to go,

First Impression: And so we have the inevitable heroic tragedy. Nice fight scene once again.

“Artemesa!” Cassius suddenly cried and took off without any further warning.


Finally he remembers the dragon.

Something in her felt alive, and she had a brief and utterly foolish notion to run right into the fire.


Something tells me that this has a deeper meaning than one might see.

“Ori! Shut the door when you come down!” she shouted, before beginning the descent down.


Nitpick but that seems like a really unnecessary order.

The dungeons had yet to be touched by the flames, so aside from Cassius’ obvious panic influencing the tension in the air, Artemesa looked unaffected. She was nuzzling into Cassius’ shoulder, who was crouched in front of her. He stood as she entered, his face stained with ash that sparkled. The dragonling continued to rub her snout against his hip, whether to comfort him or herself though was unclear.


This dragon is really adorable. You've made her into a wonderful character so far. Its a take on dragons that I have honestly not seen before.

She rushed to Cassius and threw her arms around him, pulling him tight against her. “You stupid, stupid boy,” she said. “You couldn’t have been caught or hurt.”


I think that's supposed to be you could have.

It was as pungent and repulsive as last time, but the tang of smoke and the echoes of the roaring fire were overwhelming her senses. She kept her grip on Alanna firm, making sure she didn’t stumble or try to escape.


Yaay!! My guess about them escaping through the sewers with the dragon was right.

Adrenaline sung in her veins, coursing like magma for the heat of it. Her lungs burned from the run, and from the acrid smoke she had inhaled, and she coughed. Alanna collapsed onto the ground as they stopped, flat on her back, and stared at the sky, looking shattered.

The pain where she had landed on her knees began to flare up, and she grit her teeth. Cassius had his hand on his boot, sitting on the ground, and the other on Artemesa’s neck.

“It’s raining,” Alanna said softly.

They all turned towards the Citadel. As if backlit against the severe darkness, the rain was lit up in sharp contrast. Her heart stuttered as she held out her palm, and a drop landed in the centre of her palm. It shrivelled.

It was not rain, though. It was ash.


This is some beautiful and very powerful imagery right there.

“There’s plenty of ways to escape,” Rowan said behind them, the only one still standing. “We’ll make sure everyone’s fine, when we return.”

“Yeah,” she said, and then covered her mouth to cover the whimper that left it.


Somehow I get the feeling that no one managed to get out.

And that's it for this.

Overall: Nicely written action scene. Now let's see if we can get some answers to all the questions that this has created.

As always take what you think helps and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




User avatar
935 Reviews


Points: 2806
Reviews: 935

Donate
Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:43 pm
View Likes
Shady wrote a review...



Scribbers!

Shady back with another review for you, as promised, in the name of Review Day and the Slytherin' team! Let's go...

“Artemesa!” Cassius suddenly cried and took off without any further warning.

“Cassius!” she called after him, but he was already disappearing into the stairwell and the shroud of night. In the distance, fire crackled.


I feel like I've rambled about this in the past but I'm not sure so I'll mention it but keep it brief. I think it's great to set the scene a bit at the first sentence or two of each new chapter. I know that this is technically part two of the previous chapter, but even so, you split it into two chunks so you gotta assume that maybe people aren't going straight through with their reading.

Even me just doing the final touches on my review and then checking to see if my team is any closer to winning ( ;) ) and then coming back here I lost the train of thought just a bit. It'd kind of be nice to have just a line or two before Cassius starts yelling and running.

Something in her felt alive, and she had a brief and utterly foolish notion to run right into the fire.


*swats with a newspaper* No. The response to feeling alive is not to run into a fire. Good heavens. ;)

The dragonling continued to rub her snout against his hip, whether to comfort him or herself though was unclear.


DRAGONLING! YES! I AM ALL ABOUT THIS!

She rushed to Cassius and threw her arms around him, pulling him tight against her. “You stupid, stupid boy,” she said. “You couldn’t have been caught or hurt.”


This first "she" isn't super clear who it's referring to. I'm assuming Ember but I'm not clear on that. Maybe use a name here instead of a pronoun for the first instance?

~ ~ ~

MY GOODNESS NO BREATHS FOR THE READERS

This is SO MUCH suspense. I love it so much. You're keeping things so fast-paced and it's such a fun place to jump into all of this ACTION. You tickle all of my happy description hungry places and this is just such a joy to read.

Are your magic spells latin? You nerd ;)

Great chapter! Guess I'm on to your next one, huh?

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

Have a schadenfreude and a fahrvergnügen and a Merry Christmas too ;)

Image




mellifera says...


Are your magic spells latin? You nerd ;)


MAYBE ;)

I write these chapters as one chapter and then just split them up roughly as even as I can make them? I know this can be confusing though, I'll see what I can do about that!

again, thank you so much <33333



User avatar
1260 Reviews


Points: 1630
Reviews: 1260

Donate
Sun Apr 26, 2020 10:35 pm
View Likes
Elinor wrote a review...



Hi again mel!

Elinor back representing Slytherin house to review the next chapter in your novel. I skimmed your other chapters so that I could get caught up with what was going on in the story, and I have to say I really like where this is heading! Like I told you in your previous chapter, I really admire your ability to create compelling characters.

Even jumping late as I have, I'm still very interested in all of the characters at the center of this story and how they all intertwine. Like I said before, you do have a lot of characters so it does a get bunch to keep track of all of that times, especially with the fantasy names. If you haven't already done this, I'd consider giving each of them a quirk or a defining feature so that they're distinct in the mind of the reader. I also like the tone you create in this chapter. It made me feel like being outside in the forest on a warm summer night, which is oddly specific but maybe that's just because of the title.

I don't have much else to comment on, you did an excellent job and I'm excited to see where this goes!

Hope this helps! Keep writing!

All the best and slither on,
Elinor

Image




mellifera says...


thank you for both of your reviews!! they're very helpful and I'm grateful for them <3



User avatar
1464 Reviews


Points: 83957
Reviews: 1464

Donate
Tue Mar 17, 2020 7:35 pm
View Likes
JabberHut wrote a review...



omg you did the thing ;______;

ash ;__________;

I'm really really pleased that you kept the pace up in this segment, considering it was a travel sequence and I am just deplorable at those. Getting them from point A to point B without dragging was impressive, in my eyes.

I'm also so happy they remembered the dragon. <3 I KNEW THEY'D GO FOR HER. I didn't think Cassius would have forgotten her, though. Unless he had been distracted with concern over his friends and family, I'd have thought Cassius would be thinking about the dragon too, and perhaps the others would have forgotten about the dragon.

And you addressed the dragon's growth, too!! I was worried about this before, how she might escape given her physical growth over time. I'm so glad she managed to wriggle through the sewer entrance. Also how convenient that she escaped now while she was this small. LIKE IT WAS PLANNED.

Rowan's magic has come into such good use here. We never really got a good glimpse of it before this whole chapter, but now that we have, there is CLEARLY a lot of potential having someone as skilled and intelligent as Rowan on their squad. They even mentioned they had never done that kind of spell before, which only supports the fact that Rowan is clever and skilled. A very strong character to have that I imagine will be of great use later.

This whole chapter really felt like it accomplished a couple things: 1) establishing Rowan's magical strength and 2) moving the plot in a very explosive way so the children can start asking the right questions. Oh and 3) getting the dragon out before she grew too big. XD

The ending felt awesome. I'm glad we got to see the ash/fire scene from afar, much like the vision we heard about from Sylvania's house. Again, how appropriate that we're in Ember's point of view! I feel like we could get caught up in more emotion here, but the scene itself is just so powerful. How horrifying to watch your home burn so terribly for very scary reasons.

I wonder what they're oging to do. ;_; Those people are clearly not going to stop looking for them. AND how do these people know about the children?! WHO ARE THEY???





uwu
— soundofmind