a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3
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[Isadora]
The journey to the City of Bells was arduous, with a lack of horses now but also less people and sans the two walking, outdated carriages that clomped along at a turtle’s pace. Or it felt like it.
Jax had gone now, riding north to handle some situation in in Glacier’s Keep. Isadora was comforted only by the knowledge he had a letter for the other four, and he would deliver it to them on his journey.
Mishal was quiet too. He looked contemplative more than upset, and she wondered if he wasn’t coming to enjoy this more. Rowan would have, she was sure. So would Cassius and Ember. They were so curious, the world would fascinate them.
She exhaled, glancing up to try to spy the city on the horizon. She flinched when she found the walls rising above her, the immense, smooth stone walls with towers lining it, each filled with a small bell that gleamed under the light of the sun, casting down towards the western horizon.
The road leading into the city had turned to white brick, and it glowed like silver in daylight. She sucked in a breath, holding it in pure wonder as they passed through the huge, gilded iron gates, swung open for free passage.
Building rose and stretched out around her, far too distant and tall for her to see the end of. Her heartbeat rang in her ears and she was careful not to breathe to deep, for fear the illusion of the beautiful city would shatter.
Jax was right. It was an incredible city, rising above her and filling the landscape as though it belonged. Commotion was already high in the streets as they trudged in, dirty and probably rather dishevelled from all their time on the road. She could do with a bath.
But after she saw the city.
Horses and carriages and steam-powered wagons trudged through the streets. Merchant and stands lined them, brilliant and colourfully dyed shades to protect from the harsh light of the sun. There was music coming from somewhere she couldn’t see, and the shriek of children as they ran through the streets, called after by parents or relatives so they didn’t go too far.
As they walked deeper into the city—where Margaretta was leading them, she wasn’t sure—she saw someone standing on the step of a building. They threw a cloud of dust into the air and muttered something under their breath. Their lips became a dark and vivid blue and tiny veins of the same colour spread from their mouth, and the dust all turned to snow in the air. She caught a flake in her palm and laughed. The mage waved at her and winked as she passed.
“Look at everything!” she said, clutching onto Mishal’s arm. “There’s so much! Isn’t it incredible?”
Mishal did not look nearly as thrilled as she felt, but still he nodded. “There is certainly a lot here.”
Gracia fell into step on her other side, and gently touched her arm. “We’ll be heading towards a manor house deeper in the city. Margaretta and Jax have a friend here, who we’ll be staying with while we’re here.” She pulled a slip of paper and a mechanical pen from her bag slung across her shoulders. She wrote something hurriedly and handed it over. “That’s the address. If you can’t find it, ask for The Humble Countryman. It’s a cartographer’s store. Maps of inhabited areas. If you want to explore the city, of course.”
“Oh, can we?” she asked, taken aback. It hadn’t even occurred to her to wander off. “Yes, I’d love that.” She glanced down at the address, and then at Mishal. “What about you?”
He glanced around them, as if expecting something to jump out and attack them. “I’ll stay with you,” he said. He looked to Gracia. “We’ll catch up then.”
Gracia smiled. “Have fun. Don’t get lost.”
Once Gracia had caught up to Margaretta, and presumably told her what was going on, Isadora turned to Mishal. “Where should we go first? Or, rather, what should we look for? We have a whole city to explore!”
He shrugged. “I don’t know where anything is.”
“Well, we’ll find something then. Come on.” She ushered him along through the busy streets, weaving and dodging through the swaths of people bustling about the city.
An hour later, she had accosted them some kind of honeycomb treat and ended up with ribbons in her hair, still not entirely certain how that had come about. As she trekked them through the streets, the sun now gone behind the walls and a hazy dusk settling over the city in ambers and oranges and pinks, she spotted a strange looking booth.
The cloth that sheltered the lone woman sitting inside was midnight blue and embroidered with beautiful silver thread, depicting abstract images that she couldn’t even begin to interpret. A parent was ushering their child off the booth as the lady bade them goodbye, and when they had cleared, she could read the painted sign that hung off the front of the stall. Oracle.
She smacked Mishal behind her. “Let’s get an oracle reading.”
He sighed. “It’s brought falsified, Isa. Future isn’t predetermined, it’s always changing.”
She smacked him again. “They have visions of possibility though. Their predictions could be true. Ashael told me all about this, and besides, they wouldn’t go through the rituals they have just to see falsifications.”
Before he could say anything more, she approached the stand and smiled down at the woman running it. The woman had a slight frame and beautiful auburn hair, glossy and running down her shoulders. Her light brown skin was unblemished. She glanced in their direction as they approached, though her gaze remained at hip-level. This close, Isa could now see her eyes.
They were made of tiger’s eye, beautiful polished and shimmering ever so slightly. They shifted with her movement, though Isadora knew by what Ashael had told her they were not for seeing on their material realm.
The woman smiled at them. “Good evening. May I tempt you for a taste of what is to come in your lives?”
Isadora sat down across the booth from her. Mishal followed at a more sedated pace, hesitant. “My friend and I would love them.” She glanced at the sign which stated price, and slid over the appropriate coin, though she had little to begin with. “I’m Isadora, and this is Mishal.”
“Isadora and Mishal,” the woman said, her voice warm and smooth. “I’m Inala.” She took the coin with a slender hand, nails painted a deep burgundy. “Who would like to start?”
She put her hands across the table. “I will.”
Inala smiled. “Very good. Very confident and assured. You have good qualities.” She took Isadora’s hands, covering them with her own, and inhaled deeply. Her eyes began to glow, shedding a dim golden light across her high cheekbones.
Warmth spread up her hands, and she swore she could smell a bonfire somewhere close by. Then herbs, medicinal ones, and something like burning iron.
“You are powerful. You will be, though you—” Inala frowned, tiger’s eyes shifting as if watching an unseen image moving before her. “Your future is so rippling, so unclear. I see a tower, and rising peaks. I see snow and I see a forest, and ruins and I see—” She stopped, and suddenly, her grip tightened on Isadora’s hands, nails digging into her skin. She jumped in surprise and fought not to pull away as Inala’s grip became painful.
Inala’s eyes grew glassy for a moment, almost rosy. And, to Isadora’s horror, from her left eye trickled a pale and watery drop of what looked to be blood.
“Inala?” she asked, heart racing.
“I’m okay,” Inala said, though she was still frowning. She removed her hands from Isadora’s and reached up one to wipe away the bloody tear that had streaked down her cheek. “It happens, occasionally. It’s no harm to me, though it is alarming, I understand.” She smiled, though now it looked tight. “Your kindness, above all else, will endure even through the darkest of times. Take heart that your light will shed upon everyone around you. You have a sister, yes? Younger?”
“I do,” she said, exchanging a secret smile with Mishal, who looked uncomfortable. “Her name is Alanna.”
Inala patted her hand. There were red marks in her skin where Inala’s nails had dug in. “I saw her. She is incredibly strong.” She turned to Mishal and patted the table. “And for you. Your hands, please.”
She nudged his shoulder, and he gave her a Look, before putting his hands over the table. Inala smiled as she took them, looking already better. There was still a faint smudge of blood over her cheeks.
“Oh. So many possibilities, so many fates. You’re both going to lead very interesting lives, I can promise you that.” Her smile faded as she focused, the stones darting around once again. “I can feel your loyalty like a pulse, it’s bright and brilliant and true. Whoever you give it to, they will be a very lucky person indeed, and their lives richer for it.” She tilted her head. “I see someone.”
“Who is it?” Isadora asked, curiosity tingling in her chest.
“I’m not sure, the vision is shifting. She— no, it’s gone again. Oh, no, there’s someone else. He’s much clearer.” Inala stared right past Mishal. “Your golden falcon.”
Mishal twitched. “My what?”
Inala didn’t answer. Her fingers flexed on Mishal’s hands. A mist began to cloud over her tiger’s eyes. Isadora glanced at Mishal and found that his face had drained of colour. She forced herself not to reach out to him, not wanting to disrupt the magic. “Stormy?” she whispered.
“I smell blood,” he murmured. “It’s so much.”
“You’ll save him, or you’ll damn him. They’ll do something awful to him. Wait— his eyes.” Inala squinted, so tightly that her seer’s eyes were almost no longer visible. “They’re so bright.”
Mishal’s breath came shallower, quicker. “Who? I mean— How do I save him? What about his eyes?”
“They’re blue.” Inala’s grip went slack over Mishal’s, and she let out a long breath. “One way or another, whatever you choose, you will become oathbreaker.”
Mishal yanked his hands away. Inala startled at the sudden break of contact, then bowed her head. She was shivering slightly.
“Isa, I think we should go,” Mishal said, voice hoarse and taut. He stood up, and the stool he had sat upon clattered to the ground.
“Stormy—” she tried, softening her voice.
Inala leaned forward, her eyes clear and gleaming once more. “Wait.”
“We need to be go—”
“When you hear the bells, you’ll know it’s time to go home.” Inala shook her head and leaned back. “Yes. The bells. I wouldn’t stay on the path you’re walking.”
Isadora desperately wanted to ask what that meant, but Mishal looked ready to lose the snacks she’d given him earlier. She righted the stool he’d knocked over. “Thank you so much, it was very lovely to meet you. You have a wonderful practise here.”
Inala tilted her chin up, and this time, her tiger’s eye gems stared right up at Isadora, meeting her gaze as though she could see her. Isadora shivered.
“Yes,” Inala said, softly. “Watch out for yourself, Isadora.”
She nodded and felt stupid then because Inala wouldn’t be able to see the gesture anyway. “Of course, you too.” She turned to hurry after Mishal, who was making his way out of the market square and out towards the main thoroughfare.
Once she caught up to him, she grabbed his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he said, voice steady again but low. “Let’s just find this cartographer’s manor.”
“Okay,” she said, heart sinking in her chest. Mishal quiet and shaken was not a sight she enjoyed. She wished she could wrap him in blankets as she did with Alanna, and kiss his forehead, and make everything better, but she couldn’t. It didn’t work like that, especially not now.
As they made their way back, she couldn’t help it though. She knew he didn’t want to talk about it, but she was holding on to something Inala had said.
“Do you really think that when they ring the bells, we’ll be able to go home?”
Mishal glanced over to her, clearly taken out of his brooding by surprise. Then, the severity on his face eased, and he glanced down at his hands.
“I hope so.”
word count:
2,103
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Hi ^^
But they won't be at the citadel so they won't get the letter :c nooo
I love the latter part of this sentence (although I'm confused by the beginning part. maybe you meant "too" and that's where my confusion is coming from?). All of your descriptions of the city are so beautiful! The place's image matches the magical feel that the name "City of Bells" gives me
Maybe you could elaborate on the belonging part since it seems like it's unfinished, or just add a "there" after "belonged" so it's more clear where it belongs. That's just my preference <3
it's Rowan and their violinAw, is something on his mind? If I remember correctly, he was more eager to go here than Isadora. I wonder what he's thinking about
I'm surprised they are permitted to roam free for a bit. I thought Margaretta wouldn't want them to get out of her sight at all :p
If it's like Percy Jackson, this probably won't be good xD
Is Isadora really going to die
I can confirm
Is it Cassius? Cassius has blue eyes, right? I think
Okay Mishal's future prediction is actually a bit scary. I'm not surprised, as I figured one of theirs would be foreboding, but ahh this makes me apprehensive. It sounds like a very decisive moment, and I just hope that he ends up making the "right one" (although there probably isn't a "right one"). And why did he smell blood? :c and what does the falcon mean?
What's home though? xD The citadel? but that's burned down, so maybe their actual kingdoms?
This chapter has brought up so many questions ahh. I'm actually excited to see how the oracle's words will fold out in the future. You mentioned somewhere that you have a lot of foreshadowing in this novel, so I'm interested as to what this foreshadows. So exciting! ^^
I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BAAAAAAACK
This was so fuuuun and I loved exploring this city and it was so fantastic and you did so well writing in Isadora's awe and wonder through the narration. I could only be JUST as excited as her and wanted desperately to explore. And I love that Gracia noticed and gave them the go-ahead without even referring to Margaretta because yaaaaaaaaaaay!!!
I did wonder if they had money for fun shopping. XD I guess they did! I kinda hoped Isadora would offer treating Mishal to a birthday cupcake or something cute, but I couldn't remember exactly how long ago his birthday was.
THIS FORTUNE TELLER THOUGH. You described her so beautifully. Her dialogue was just spot on, I read it with a slow, vacant, enchanting voice the entire time and had so much fun with this character. She is so fantastic and I just freaking love this aesthetic in general sO I WAS PRETTY STOKED.
When she switched from Isadora to Mishal, I thought for a second Inala had no fortune to actually give Isadora and was like all defensive on her behalf because clearly Inala saw something, but the final line about the bells totally made up for it. I'm still curious about that bloody tear and how that happened because clearly it was triggered by something she saw, whatever it might be, and Mishal didn't get a bloody tear. It's so interesting how different their predictions are.
So look, Isadora reeks of tragedy and imma just say if YOU HARM Alanna or Isadora I will be SO UPSET that I will cry my own river of bloody tears.
Considering Inala's words for Isadora, though, it totally sounds like she saw glimpses of Isadora's real home -- the kingdom from which she came (names escape me 'cause I was foolish and took too long a break), then also saw Alanna of course, and the ruins would depict Isasdora's future somehow, I'm sure. In fact, once she reached the ruins, that's when the whole bloody tear came from, so clearly (and of course because of the warning she gave later) following Margaretta right now is nOT going to end well so PLEASE GO BACK TO THE OTHERS OMGGG
Mishal's vision now was totally different. It does have a sense or possibility of tragedy, but it wasn't as dramatic as Isadora's. It seems like Mishal is going to be put in a position as either someone's hero or villain, and it seems almost too easy to assume Mishal is going to save a love interest's life, so I'm curious as to what exactly this means. Is it that boy from the village earlier who helped tend his wounds? It totally could be, but we don't really know him well enough to believe he'd fit that mold. It could be Mishal's own royal family that he doesn't know about though, or perhaps his own friends from the citadel. And gosh, I love Mishal so much and I'm SO intrigued about the possibilities of his future. I look forward to actually finding out so I can make more sense of her predictions.
I can't... decide on the golden falcon and what that means, and I feel that if it was foreshadowed before, then I'll have forgotten about it. It would be awesome, though, if it were maybe the crest of his royal family or something like that, you know? That'd be pretty dope.
But what was crazy was how Inala AND Mishal were both caught up in this vision. It was almost like something triggered in Mishal here that concerned even Isadora and now Mishal is just silently trying to make sense of everything that had happened. I honestly just love this kind of scenario, where an unbeliever of fortune-telling goes through a similar scenario and starts rethinking things and it's just. GAH it's such a fun way to develop one's character.
I'm about 59.87% certain that the bells ringing means they can go home to their royal families, not necessarily the citadel. The percentage is low though 'cause I like to keep an open mind and theorize ALLLLLLL the possibilities SO WE SHALL SEE.
Gosh, I'm so excited to be reading this again. I can't WAIT to keep reading!! <3
Hi mel! Tuck here to get this out of the Green Room this fine Review Day
Now, housekeeping first: I haven't read any previous chapters, but considering this has been in the Green Room for almost two months, I wanted to give you the most helpful feedback I can given the circumstances.
Overall, this was an enjoyable chapter to read! I've heard you talk about this WIP before, but this is the first opportunity I've had to read it, and I'm definitely glad I did. You had some strong description that was well-balanced with action, and your story is certainly unique and fresh. That being said, I'd like to explore some ways you could possibly improve this story.
In all honesty, I'm not a fan of your opening line here. Not only do you open by telling us information rather than showing (for shame, mel, for shame), you don't give us much information on why the trip is so hard. You touch on it, but then very briefly cut to the next part without giving us information on the route. Personally, I'd love to hear more about their journey, the scenery, the physical pain the characters endure to get there, the roadtrip banter. At the very least, some more information to back up your description of the journey as arduous would be beneficial here.
Overall, your description was well-balanced and vivid, although I think I would have liked to see just a touch more from you. The City of Bells conjures up quite the mental image in my mind, and I would love to be completely wrapped up in description, especially since I know you have the capability to write breahtaking, awe-inspiring description. However, take this with a grain of salt, since I did just throw myself right into your novel and as such have a limited understanding of your world and am hungry for more.
I found the section where Mishal and Isadora consulted with a fortune-teller to be interesting and unique! The only improvement I'd suggest is showing Mishal's progression from skeptical to afraid. The red tears were a nice step in that direction, but I'd like to see that taken even further; perhaps the reader sees Mishal shift when he sees the tears, or maybe he fidgets and angles his body away, or another similar, minor body language cue. You focused a lot on Isadora while Inala was reading her palms, so the reader didn't get an opportunity to see Mishal's skepticism ease and discomfort set in.
I think that wraps things up for me! It was definitely an enjoyable and well-written chapter, and I'm glad I got the opportunity to read and review one of your works. If you have any questions about this review, please let me know and I'd be happy to answer. See you around!
Best,
Tuck
hey in my defence the last like, ten mishal/isadora chapters were highlighting why it was so rough for them and I didn't want to repeat myself (though like, how would you know that lol FOR SHAME, TUCK, FOR CALLING ME OUT ON SOMETHING YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY KNOW, I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU)
I WAS STRUGGLING SO MUCH I can't add in what Isadora wouldn't notice/what Mishal would be hiding in this scene/what isn't overwhelmed by her own emotions, but!! I will keep in mind that he needs a little more reaction to this!! I was thinking of it while I was writing but,,, did not fix
thank you so much for your review!!! it's very appreciated and I will definitely take everything you said into consideration <333
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And I'm back for another review.
First Impression: Well that was a very veiled description. Lot's of things for me to unpack and analyze down in the theory ho...I mean lab. And an introduction to a really well off city.
Anyway let's get right to it,
With all those things referenced there when it comes to the final sentence you tend to lose track a bit. A few too many things mentioned in the one sentence there. I had to read that like thrice to decipher the meaning and that's not the sort of thing you want at the opening line for a chapter.
Great description there. Sets the stage nicely and does a good job of contrasting with the other cities and villages they've visited.
Didn't she say earlier that she wanted to see the city in her thoughts. That sounded like she did want to wonder around.
Great description there again.
Okay that beginning doesn't sound right. I think you need to insert a who was before Mishal or it sounds very weird.
*taking detailed notes*
*continues to intensely take more notes*
*breaks tip of pen with speed of note taking*
*grabs pencil and writes it down*
Well a very interesting end to a very interesting and mostly free of mistakes chapter.
Overall: The dialogue between Isadora and Mishal is as always spot on. The emotion comes through really well and you did a great job with all the light hints sprinkled in here. That must have been hard to prevent yourself from giving away too much.
As for grammar, I didn't see anything but then I don't usually look that carefully at those, I only notice mistakes that a are severe enough that they interrupt the flow of the reading. Anyway another great chapter.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry