Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3
*
[Ember]
rating for: naughty words, description of blood/violence/a corpse.
The warmth of the forge had been more noticeable when it had been colder out, but in the week since the expedition’s departure, the weather had been growing warmer. The forest and the blanket of grass surrounding the village and the citadel were beginning to turn green again. More and more often, Ember awoke to the sound of birdsong outside her window.
According to Risto, it would be raining tomorrow. It seemed on par that today was the day that it looked like they would finish the dagger she had been making for Alanna, so as to free her up tomorrow only to be locked inside once more for bad weather.
“You’ll need to finish smoothing the handle down, there’s still rough edges,” Laska was saying as she moved around the other side of her forge. “And then you’ll need the varnish. If I… can find… it…”
She glanced over her shoulder at her mentor, digging through her dark wooden cabinets that were beginning to splinter in a few corners. They were ages old, maybe older than Laska herself.
The fire of the forge crackled steadily in the centre of the room, the great black-stone chimney squat and fat as it rose to the ceiling. The two iron chandeliers that were both unlit, but awash with the orange glow of the flames from the forge nearby. The back windows, near Laska’s worktable and her great wall of storage, shelves, and cabinets, all had the curtains pulled away from them. The ones at the front of the stone building, were Ember was, were all pulled shut.
Two half-finished bone handles were sitting on the table that she was sitting at, and Laska had told her to leave them alone and out of the sunlight so they didn’t bleach. She would coat them with protective dust later. Ember had offered to help, but Laska had laughed and ruffled her hair before telling her firmly, no.
Just as well, she’d probably set them on fire or something.
Laska slammed one of the cabinets. “Damnable mess! I don’t have any varnish.”
“I could go run out for some!” she chimed in, setting the knife and sandpaper aside. She’d been there for an hour at least, trying to sand the handle to meet the metal perfectly. Alanna had been having such a rotten time of it lately, she wasn’t about to give her a subpar dagger to complement that.
This was only her second dagger, however. It wasn’t exactly fine craftsmanship, but hopefully Alanna wouldn’t begrudge her that. Besides, they were all having a miserable time of everything anyway. Lana was only the worst at managing it.
Laska considered her, smoothing back some of her hair that had been mussed as she dug through the cabinets. Not that it helped, the dusty brown flecked with grey mane was already frizzy, and strands were beginning to fall out of the thick braid swung over her shoulder. “I think we could both use some fresh air.” She walked over to her worktable to snatch a grey cloth lying there. She folded it into a triangle, and then wrapped it over her hair so as to tame some of the wild frizz. “We could stop at the bakery on the way. Rehanna said she was baking some cherry tarts for today. Your favourite.”
“You don’t have the try to make an excuse for wanting to see Rehanna,” Ember pointed out, hopping off her stool. “You can just want to see her.”
That earned her a stern look, the look that Laska always gave her when Ember brought up the Forbidden Topic.
She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, you’re taking me there for the cherry tarts,” she said dismissively. “Come on then.” She swiped her coat off the hooks by the door and wrapped in around herself, without bothering to loop the wooden piece through their adjoining laces, letting her coat hang open.
Though it was warming up, as they stepped outside, there was still a cold wind that disrupted the air. The sky was a flat expanse of pale grey, the sun a little white circle hidden behind the stretches of clouds. The ground, still in its half-grey, deadened state, made everything look flat and dismal. It smelled of ice, of humidity, and as she breathed in, she swore she could taste iron on the air.
The village next to the Chronicler’s Citadel was cosy, but not squashed together. The roads were less constructed pathways and more barren earth that had been traversed so much for so long that it was hard, dead ground that made perfect channels for walking. In the centre was an old fountain, built to honour some God or another from the Religion of Old. Cassius or Rowan probably knew more about it than she did.
People sometimes threw flowers in the fountain. Laska said it was a gesture of goodwill, but she didn’t know how throwing flowers in water was supposed to appease long dead or absent Gods.
Sitting on the side of the fountain was Lady Sylvania, her silver-white hair loose at her shoulders and a pensive look on her aged, wrinkled face. Her hands were wrapped in mittens, and she didn’t look the least bit cold despite the nip from the wind.
Disregarding their destination, she trotted over, ignoring Laska’s sighs behind her.
“Hullo, Lady Sylvania,” she said. “What are you doing out here?”
“It’s Sylfie for you,” Sylvania replied, murky eyes sliding over to Ember. “Haven’t I told you that before?”
“If it makes you feel better, you’re the only person I’d call Lady,” she said, instead of agreeing. Sylvania wasn’t a noble to the best of her knowledge, but she was the only person Ember had ever met that she respected enough to call her as such. Sylvania seemed as close to a real noble lady as she believed anyone could be.
And anyway, it made Lady Sylvania laugh. “At least I know I can appreciate your honesty on the matter,” she said. “How have you been, young sparkler?”
Sylvania was right, she could appreciate Ember’s honesty. She couldn’t lie to Lady Sylvania even if she wanted to, she suspected. She tried not to deflate openly, all the same. She sat beside Sylvania. “I miss Isadora and Mishal. I don’t understand why they had to leave. What’s the point of the stupid expedition anyway?”
For a moment, Sylvania only studied her. Then she reached out and patted Ember’s knee. “Sometimes, people have to take journeys, in spite of the fact you don’t want them apart from you. There’s a reason for their leaving, painful as that may be. The Chronicler’s Guild is about as good as nothing if they can’t chronicle anything, and there’s hundreds of years’ worth of history nobody knows shit about.” Then, Sylvania smiled at her. “I suspect that you’ll have your own journeys to undertake, Eugenia.”
Lady Sylvania was also the only person she would allow to use “Eugenia” on her.
Before she could respond, or Laska could stop tapping her foot impatiently nearby and actually try to get Ember back on track, a scout with a bow and quiver strapped to his back came hurdling past. A nearby villager stuck their head out of their dwelling’s front window.
“What’s the fuss about?!” the villager shouted.
The scout skidded to a halt, panting. “Hunting— hunting party went out— early morning—” The scout bent over his knees, heaving in gulps of air. His face was turning red.
“Someone get that boy some oxygen, for Twin Eyes’ sake!” Sylvania shouted, to nobody in particular. It wasn’t like anyone could give the boy anymore air anyway.
Then he stood up, still panting. “The dragon! That pest that was buzzing about, threatening— threatening the people! They brought her down!”
“At least someone had the sense to do so,” Laska muttered.
Her mentor said something else, but Ember’s ears were swimming. Lady Sylvania’s hand tightened on her knee, and she looked paler now. “Moon’s mercy,” Sylvania muttered beside her.
If the dragon was dead, and the scout was running towards the citadel…
“Cassius,” she whispered. She leapt from the fountain, forgetting about Laska, Rehanna, and the cherry tarts, forgetting about Lady Sylvania and her weighted words. She took off, before the scout could even finish gathering his breath, or anyone could cheer for the safety of their village.
She heard Laska calling after her, but her voice soon died away on the wind and distance.
* * *
He was sitting in the citadel’s north-eastern tower, once a lookout post when the citadel was used as fortifications and warfare.
Ember paused in the entrance, the door cracked when she had arrived. It made no sound as she pushed it open. Cassius was sitting across the rug-laden floor, on the windowsill of a great bay window with gilded iron designed in the glass. Pretty, sometimes impractical, but Cassius either didn’t notice or didn’t care.
“Razzy?” she said, her voice almost a whisper. She was afraid to disturb the thick, dizzying atmosphere.
He flinched and glanced over his shoulder. Her heart sunk. Cassius’ eyes were bloody-red and puffy, cheeks glistening with tears. He turned away from her again, as if she hadn’t even been there.
She approached him, uncertain. It wasn’t often she saw him like this, and she never knew what to do when he was in such a state.
Before she could say anything or reach out to him—he liked to be touched or to be touching someone—she saw what he was staring at. She froze, her breath leaving her body, as a paralysing horror spread through her body.
The window overlooked the eastern forest, where they often ran out to play when they had free time. It made the adult’s nervous, for some reason. There was a clearing, though, near the dry riverbed next to the citadel that formed something of a gouge in the earth around the eastern border, which made access to the citadel from that direction difficult. Once a moat, now just earth.
In the clearing, they had dragged the massive body of the fallen dragon, splayed out like some horrible display. The dragon was smaller than Ember expected a dragon to be and had none of the scales that many legends spoke of. Covering its body were shades of beautiful plumage, feathers of reds, orange, purples and blues. Staining those feathers was the bright, glistening gold of dragon’s blood.
The dragon was… it was stunning. A wonderful creature. And its neck was bent back, eyes shut in an endless sleep, wings spread out and limp behind it.
She had to sit down beside Cassius before her legs gave out beneath her. She was shaking. She’d never seen a dead body that big before, only mice or rats or bugs. Three of their horses had died over the course of her life, but she’d never been allowed to see them.
Her throat was dry, and her eyes began to sting. She leaned closer to Cassius and rested her head on his shoulder. He was shivering too, and he pressed his head to hers, drawing closer to her touch.
“How can anyone be so cruel?” he asked, voice hoarse and raw. She wondered how long he’d been here.
“Maybe— maybe it hurt someone. Or— or was scaring the livestock—” As she spoke, she knew her mouth was filled with flimsy lies. They would have heard, no doubt, if the dragon had been causing harm. But the sight of it… the thought of anyone killing something that beautiful and powerful… it had to be justified, right? There had to be a reason.
A sob tore from Cassius’ throat, and his fists tightened in his lap. “I hate him,” he spat, sniffling. “I hate Mishal. I hate how he thinks he’s right all the time, and then he is, and I hate him. I’m glad he’s gone.”
His words hit like a kitchen knife against a shield, only tapping the edges of her mind. She didn’t try to defend Mishal, not this time, only because she knew Cassius didn’t actually hate him and it wasn’t his fault besides.
She stared at the limp body of the dragon, the hunters moving around it like flies on a carcass, and wondered how anyone could even have the capacity to destroy such a beautiful creature.
word count:
2,067
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Scribs!
I'm back! I think this will likely be a short review, but guess we'll see. Let's go...
Who is Risto? I might just be forgetting but I have no idea at this point who it is or why they know about the rain?
You already used "dead" to describe the ground in the previous paragraph.
~ ~ ~
Oooof your descriptions. My heart. I really love your description of the dragon. It is cruel that you had Cassius and Ember actually see the corpse, but made this scene MUCH more compelling and heartwrenching and I hate it but also I'm here for it. I also love the non-traditional description you have for the dragon!
This is a super good chapter! I am looking forward to reading more, even though you broke my heart and tossed it into the sand with this chapter xD
Keep writing!
~Shady
Hey, I'm back c: I'm glad we get to go back to Ember! I'm excited to read her perspective again <3
Ooh yay, so Ember's getting to do what she loves to do! <3
Ah, your descriptions are so pretty as always. (I don't think this is a sentence, but you could remove "that" and it would be.)
Okay this is grammar, but it took me awhile to understand this, so I thought I'd point it out. I believe you meant "where Ember"
WHAT'S THAT
Love your descriptions!! I'm sensing something bad is going to happen :3 maybe?
Reading this, there seem to be a lot of "she's" I think it would help to eliminate/replace some of those
Ooh, was this was the weather was foreshadowing?
Aww, he must've really cared. He seems to have a big heart
Wow, for some reason I really love this description; it gives such a somber feeling
Wait, what is Mishal right about? I already forgot cx
I love your weather descriptions and how they always have some significance to them. And the dragon description was really great. I think it's cool how you gave it "gold blood" and how amazing and powerful you made the dragon seem. It really made the dragon killing act seem even more horrific. DUDE, why are all of your chapters so sad? ;o These poor kids need to take a day off haha <3 I really love your chapters and characters, and I hope this helped!
in 4.2, Mishal said that people are basically too in love with killing beautiful things, especially when it's for profit (in a way more ostentatious fashion, as in true early novel Mishal fashion). Cassius is basically mad that Mishal was right that they would kill the dragon! I hope that clears that up
I'm so sorry for the angst xD
but also not sorrythank you for your reviews!! super super appreciate them <333
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Penultimate review for the day.(Yaay me!!)
First Impression: You seem to really want to put off this expedition for as long as possible. And so the dragon dies. This chapter feels a bit like a filler. I don't see any real development plotwise or characerwise. Still it is well written.
Wouldn't the opposite be true? The hotter it was outside the more you would feel the heat of the forge.
What sort of bones to they use for this?
This feels unnecessary to put as a one liner. It would be just fine to fix it to the previous paragraph.
Nice description and was that a little bit of foreshadowing for what was to come?
The first couple of sentences just repeat an idea that was already mentioned by the previous line of dialogue. They feel unnecessary.
Well this Lady character seems interesting.
I get that this is a sad sight but does he really care about the dragon that he'd cry that much and look devastated. Seems a little exaggerated.
Nice description.
Seems a weird sentence but I assume Cassius is referring to that statement made earlier by Mishal regarding people.
Overall: Seems a bit of an unnecessary chapter but it does a great job of showing us some of the mentor figures here and we get a description of the village in general.
As always take what you think helps and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
omg I want to cry
I didn't know it was possible to have so many chapters in a row that could make me cry buT YOU DID IT.
Your dragon is just beautiful. This was such a beautiful creature you presented us, and it lined up so beautifully with the awe and wonder of Cassius' fascination of dragons. I love dragons, and I love it even more when dragons are given such unique traits like the feathers you mentioned. It makes them feel so much more like they belong in your world when described so personally.
Basically, I want a pet dragon. Does this one have a baby? 'Cause I'll have it kthx.
It was also so great seeing everyone's reaction to this scenario. Mishal was right: People are trained to seek control of the dragons, dead or alive. In this case, everyone rejoiced at the news of a dead dragon killed by their own hunting party. Well... I dunno about Sylvania BUT EVERYONE ELSE REJOICED.
omg Sylvania is such a fun character. I love her attitude and HER ADULT VOCABULARY YES. I feel like this woman might have some importance, considering her wisdom and I'm guessing some sort of attachment to the moon. Even if that's not the case though, her reaction to the dragon's death was cryptic enough for me to wonder if perhaps Sylvania is also pro-dragon. It wasn't quite clear, but it wasn't like Laska's instant pleasure. But she did pale, and her hesitation to respond appropriately only emphasized that maaaybe Sylvania will make a return. I like the mystery around her right now though and wouldn't want to mess with that, btw. She's beautiful and sparky and a perfect pseudo-mentor for Ember.
SPEAKING OF MENTOR, I love Laska. I love that we get a glimpse into Ember's apprenticeship with the blacksmith, so we finally get to see a glimpse of her passion at work. The fact that she's making a dagger for Alanna is just the sweetest thing and make me D'AWWWW out loud. I can't wait to see her gift it to Alanna and the dagger comes in handy later and Alanna uses it to save her or someone else's life or even turns out to be this child rogue assassin anD I'M SCREAMING
And maybe next time, we'll see Laska and Rehanna together!! //fangirlsqueal Maybe when Ember finishes the dagger!! And Rehanna surprises her with cherry tarts and they eat cherry tarts and have lovely banter that makes me smile while they also talk about blacksmithy things that confuses Rehanna because she is only a baker and mY BRAIN NEEDS TO STOP
I'm also stupidly excited about the general idea of blacksmiths. I always feel like blacksmiths are overlooked because they make such REALLY cool stuff and it's SUCH a difficult job imo and I just. I love the atmosphere of her workshop as it's so appropriate to the craft requiring metal and furnaces. I feel like it was a big D'OH that Laska ran out of varnish 'cause that seems like a common thing to have, but that also explains Laska's reaction to her having no varnish. XD SHE FELT A BIG D'OH FOR THAT. It would be cool if Laska had, like, other projects or commissions lying around that Ember admires from afar. Maybe Laska was working on a... new sword for a local knight, a customized toolkit requested by a customer for her husband, or... pans for a certain baker... //COUGHHACKDIE
Or even hear about a beautiful expensive weapon that even Laska swoons about the craftsmanship behind or I JUST LIKE BLACKSMITHS I'M SORRY
OKAY so I NEED to change the topic.
I still want to talk about Cassius because it broke my heart to see his reaction. It's absolutely telling about his character. This is such a big deal for Cassius, who didn't cry when Mishal and Isadora left not long ago. He cried at the death of a dragon he's never met before. A beautiful one at that, though. Like... I wanted to cry because the dragon was just beautiful. But Cassius has such a passion and fascination for dragons, a deep love for the creature and such hope for their peaceful future, that seeing one die at the hands of his own people just crushed him. And now I want to cry because Cassius is maturing before my eyes and i CAN'T HANDLE THESE EMOTIONS, MELL.
Of course, I say that, but there's also the moment where he blames Mishal just out of pure emotion. I actually had to go back and confirm what Mishal exactly said 'cause I didn't think Mishal said anything more than just that they're dangerous, but Mishal did also say that humans wouldn't even consider a peaceful approach to dragons. So that made more sense of Cassius' words, and also made more sense of how his emotions are responding. Clearly Mishal's words really hit Cassius hard, and now we're understanding the depth of Cassius' love for dragons so of course Mishal's words were offensive, let alone the reality of said words driving the pain home like a dAGGER TO THE HEART AHA
And I think Ember's reaction to the death of the dragon helped set the tone for us as readers. Ember wasn't really attached at all to the topic of dragons back with Mishal. She knew how Cassius felt, though, and she knew she had to get to him before the news of the dragon. That's how close they are! I don't know if Ember was quick to find him or wasted time looking for him, but either way, Cassius noticed the dragon before she arrived, and the way she just... sat there and comforted him was just the sweetest and heartfelt thing. They find such comfort in each other and it's beautiful and I just. hnnng. <3
When I first read this, I didn't think I'd have so much to say but you always have SO MANY THINGS to talk about in each segment and it makes me SO EXCITED TO TALK ABOUT THEM ALL.
Also, sorry for the delay in review! The holidays stole me away whoops
it's okay!! completely understandable
thank you for your reviews!! I know I haven't been responding but still MAJOR APPRECIATION <333
1.
you might want to break up/combine these sentences differently for better flow.
Example:
2.
this sentence is a bit incoherent. some commas and/or rephrasing seem needed.
Example:
3.
I'm not sure "was saying" is grammatically correct here, and if it is it's a bit confusing. "said" would be more coherent.
4.
Mild incoherence, that can remedied with a little comprehensive proofreading and rephrasing.
Example:
5.
More mild incoherence, or at least a flow that can be improved. Mostly, "complement" has connotations that don't really fit.
Example:
6.
This is rather wordy and would benefit by some reductive revisions.
Example:
6.
It usually doesn't sound good to repeat nouns so close to each other. A good fix in this case would replacing the first "body" with "lungs".
7.
These sentences can be combined for better flow.
Example: