a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar! I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep this in consideration! Thanks <3
*
There was a momentary stillness. The Grey Masks didn’t want to relent, but they clearly didn’t want to fight either.
The one holding her tightened his grip, glanced towards the other. In a low whisper, he said, “We only need one—"
“What’s all this about then?”
Two figures clad in gleaming silver-white armour approached them. In the centre of their breastplate, the half-moon crest of Glacier’s Keep was varnished, surrounded by a purple metallic sheen to make the white of the mark stand out. The first one, with a songlike voice, put her hand on the hilt of her sword.
“These are our wards,” Danica said, stepping forward. She had begun to draw her greatsword but put it away as the armoured figures approached. “They attacked them without cause.”
The guard tilted her head towards Ember and Cassius still being held tightly by the Grey Masks. The man had adjusted his arm around her, to make it look as though he was holding her protectively.
“They’re lying, they stole these kids from us,” said the man holding her. “We’ve been trying to get them back, ever since—”
She twisted in his grasp, as he was no longer fighting her squirming, and sunk her teeth into his arm until she tasted blood.
The man howled and instinctively shoved her away. She tripped in the snow but caught herself. The hiss of a sword being unsheathed filled the otherwise empty streets, but she ignored it in favour of sprinting straight to Enoch. He reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. She turned, veins alight with fury, and spat her attacker’s blood out on the ground.
“They’ve attacked us three times now,” she said. “They’re the ones who are lying.”
The guard scrutinised all of them, holding her sword now in front of her. She pointed it towards the Grey Mask still holding Cassius. “Let the boy go,” she said.
As he shook out his arm where Ember had bit him, the man who had grabbed her glanced at his companion, still holding Cassius, and they exchanged a look. Cassius still looked pale, though less so than before, and stared at where the dagger lay cold in the packed, thin layer of snow.
Then they let Cassius go. He scrambled away, leaning down to quickly scoop up the dagger and stuff it right back into his boot, as if to hide it away. Then he joined Ember, right at her side. She reached down and grabbed his hand and squeezed it.
The guards glanced between each other, and then nodded. “I think the three of you could do with some time to yourselves to think about stealing children,” she said, and approached the Grey Masks. The third, who had held Alanna, was crouched in the snow. Next to his leg, there was blood staining the snow.
They didn’t fight the guards as they were pulled away. Enoch approached them, and they began a conversation she couldn’t hear.
She didn’t particularly care. She turned to Cassius and gripped his shoulders. “Raz.” She gave him a gentle shake.
“They could have killed or hurt you or Lana,” he whispered, voice trembling. He wasn’t meeting her gaze. “They could have done anything, and I was the only one free, and I had my dagger out, but I couldn’t— The thought of— Em, I couldn’t—”
“It’s okay,” she said. “We’re okay, aren’t we?”
Alanna whimpered, staggered off to the side of the road, and threw up. Caddy followed her and grabbed her hair to pull it back, rubbing Alanna’s back as she did so.
“Okay, well, we’re mostly fine. Nobody got hurt though.” But as she spoke, Cassius began shivering under her hands. His expression was distant.
“She’s right, Cassius,” Ori said, stepping forward and gently reaching out to touch Cassius’ arm. “Nobody can blame you for that.”
Cassius shook his head. “But I could have done something. What if they had hurt them? I did nothing! I can’t— I had an opportunity and we could have escaped but I couldn’t— It’s so easy in all the stories, I should have done something!”
“To hurt another person goes against our very nature,” Danica said, approaching them. She knelt in the snow beside Ember and gave her a quick smile before turning to Cassius. “That the thought of hurting someone was distressing to you isn’t a bad thing. In fact, I dare say that more people could use such a mindset. If you want to learn how to defend yourself or others, I would be happy to help you, but it’s no crime or shameful thing to want to avoid violence.”
Cassius watched Danica, and though he was still shaking, his expression softened. Ember squeezed his shoulder, and he glanced towards her.
“As if the guards wouldn’t have intervened anyway,” Ori pointed out. “Their response left something wanting, but someone clearly noticed.”
“Yeah,” Cassius said, and hung his head. “Yeah.”
She didn’t believe he was really agreeing, but letting it go seemed best for now. She hit him lightly on the shoulder. “I can’t believe you still have the dagger Stormy gave you. I thought you said it was ugly and that he was mocking you.”
Cassius scowled. “He was. I just— I grabbed it quickly!” He swatted her hands off his shoulders and shoved her, not hard. “Shut up. Eugenia.”
She smacked at his curls and he ducked. “Don’t call me that!” she cried, but he was already out of reach and dodging behind Danica.
Danica was smiling as she turned and scooped up Cassius. Alanna and Caddy had made their way back over. Alanna’s dagger was nowhere in sight now. Caddy had her arm over Alanna’s shoulders, and while she still looked pale, Caddy was bent down and telling her something quietly that was making them both smile.
“Are you okay?” Ori asked, as the others began trudging back towards the direction of the inn.
Before she could answer, a hand fell on her shoulder. She glanced up to meet Enoch’s glower.
“What in all the devils’ names were you kids thinking?” Enoch asked, voice low and stony. “You’re being chased by people who want to do god knows what to you, attacked your home, and you decide wandering off alone is a good idea?”
She shrugged off his hand. “We’ve been on the road forever! We needed something to do!”
“And I suppose getting kidnapped is something fun to do then?” Enoch snapped.
“Why do you care?” she cried. She kicked out at his shin, but he stepped back, and caught her shoulder once more before she could try a second time. “You kidnapped us!”
“Sh,” he hissed. “Do you want to be on your own then, getting me thrown into jail too?”
She tried to hit his hand away. “You’re the worst!”
He growled at her, before letting her go and setting off after the others without another word.
“I hate him,” she spat, the taste of iron still filling her mouth. Ugh, it was so gross. It was worth it, but still.
“No,
you don’t,” Ori said.
word count:
1,189
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
I'm doing this on mobile, so pardon any mistakes xD
I don't recall you previously capitalizing "grey masks" (or you do, and I just totally forgot) so I thought I'd point that out <3
Oh wait never mind, I looked last chapter, and you did capitalize it. Sorry :p I'll look back to other chapters later and see, and then I'll just remove this cx
WHAT why do they only need one
Ooh, more people are getting involved. This should be good, I hope
Yay! Serves them right
I fee like everyone has/had to grow up quickly. It's like Mishal with his first battle on the expedition, and Cassius here. It makes me feel bad at how quickly your characters have to grow up and mature. It also makes me sad about how he might feel guilt upon not acting </3
Yes you're right, Cassius, it's so easy in the stories, and that's what makes you seem more human and realistic, which makes mellifera a fantastic author for making you seem like a real person with real emotions
OH so that's why he was always trying to hide it, how did I miss that connection? xD
I don't know why I must say this, but this line literally made be picture Cassius as a snowball and then Danica scooping up a perfect Cassius snowball
His concern for them made me smile <3 It's so lovely how their relationship has developed and grown
It made it more fun for the reader! c:
Probably my favourite lines in this chapter. I just love Rowan's response
So what I've gathers is that Enoch and Ember are the best, Cassius is starting to go through what Mishal went through and I just hope he can find the truth in Danica's words, Caddy is so sweet looking after Alanna, the grey mask dudes are getting even more mysterious with their motive, and Cassius is a snowball.
<3
You do such a great job with Ember's maturity. You honestly do. She's young but growing up and her hormones are going bonkers right now so her emotions can get out of control and you just. handle her. SO well.
Not gonna lie, I'm slightly bummed this didn't get any more exciting, but I am relieved that the guards' presence actually did something. So often, I read stories that make security look useless, so giving them an air of authority and a certain level of threat to the bad guy is such a relief and I am happy for that. The Grey Masks clearly know well enough to not challenge them, to know they were outnumbered.
I FORGOT CASSIUS HAD A DAGGER. Did Cassius draw the dagger last segment? *looks* HE DID, I AM A FOOL. Why does Ember not have a dagger? SOMEONE MAKE HER A DAGGER. >:[
ENOCH, MAKE HER A DAGGER.
OR A HAMMER, A HAMMER IS GOOD.
Speaking of Enoch, I love the little spat they have at the end. And also I am totally on the side of Enoch here like why, kids, did you think this was a good idea -- and then Ember being the child that she is, very confidently tells them that thEY WERE BORED. It's such a beautiful relationship they have. c: I was TOTALLY worried Enoch was gonna just leave them then and there though like plz no they need him. don't make him go. =_=
Ember's temper really flared at the end here, which brings me back to how well you handle Ember's bonkers emotions. She was fresh off a shouting match with Cassius as they were both cutting at each other like normal, and then Enoch comes up and makes it worse before she could cooldown, so I think that went well. It was definitely scary to read though 'cause i love them both and i want them to be together forever and it definitely seemed to escalate ridiculously but I was able to reason through it to be okay with it.
You have SO many characters right now omg. XD I legit forgot Rowan was even a thing, and they're a main character. But I also think Rowan is getting to know these new characters better than I, like Caddy. I totally forgot who Caddy even is ahaha ha... my memory is failing me. I'm slowly getting to know Danica, and there's that other boy that I'm shipping with Cassius but I can't remember his name.
I feel like this would be a good opportunity to get to know them better. I think last segment, we skimmed throug the part that they were clothes shopping, but that might be useful character development time for the new people. Unless we're about to deposit them, like they were only useful for the trip here. We bonded with them a little bit while traveling here, but this chapter practically forgot half the group again. Maybe the children don't trust the new people yet? What if one of the new people noticed they slipped away and followed them out to join the funsies?
I think I'm just curious as to what their purpose will be, or if their purpose has been fulfilled. There's definitely a noticeably large number of characters here. XD
Still excited to read more though. OH and I love the BRIEF little snippet we got from the Grey Masks and how they said they only need one of them. I think this makes it even SCARIER 'cause only one of them, any one of them, is valuable, so they have to watch each other's backs. I mean, they've been doing that already, but if the Grey Masks successfully kidnaps just one of them, they could lose track of the Grey Masks real fast 'cause they won't need another of the children anymore. But also, why only one child? What is their goal!?
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night (whichever one it is in your part of the world),
And it is time for the last one.
First Impression: Pretty good fight scene. And Cassius consistently being incapable of hurting someone is also a good touch there.
These people clearly have not learnt that this a bad lie.
Nice touch there how she runs to Enoch instead of the more familiar Rowan. Shows how she has come to look at him as a protector.
So they don't even attempt a getaway? These people are getting more and more mysterious here.
I love how this is continued nicely from the beginning of the story itself and he is continuously adamant about not hurting anyone. Maybe this quality of his had something to do with why Artemesa chose him as well?
Some great words of wisdom by Danica who is appearing to be a complex and mysterious character all her own.
Now that raises some questions as to why the Grey Masks would risk an attack in a place where it seems that people would know that guards patrol.
So no one has ever noticed that dagger before even by accident.
This new relationship between Enoch and Ember continues to get better. I wonder is this has something to do with her being the Princess of Chromium and Enoch being a Knight of Chromium?
And that is it.
Overall: Like I said earlier great fight scene and also some great relationship building with these newly introduced character.
And as always remember to take what you think is useful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
I can't tell you how much I appreciate all your reviews!! And in such a short time too, that's crazy!
I'm definitely going to take your comments into account when I eventually come to editing this project! It was a complete surprise when I found all of the reviews you left, and I was absolutely delighted that you read through all those chapters.
Thank you so much for all your critiques and remarks, I can't tell you how helpful it'll be to me in the future, or how much I appreciate it
Your Welcome!!! It's been a great story to read.