a/n: hey, thanks for checking out Starry Veins! This is the novel I
wrote for Round V of LMS, and it's still a first draft! While I don't
discourage any feedback, I prefer not to receive feedback on grammar!
I'm not polishing this draft up yet, so I'm not as concerned about
editing. I am, of course, open to all feedback, but I ask that you keep
this in consideration! Thanks <3
*
[Isadora]
As small as the study made her feel, Margaretta always seemed to inhabit the space in its entirety. She had a presence that rose around her like a pyre, drawing attention like a magnet. It was in the way she carried herself.
Isadora wished she could carry herself with that same energy some day. Wished she had half of Margaretta confidence and composure, her certainty.
“Take your seats. Would anyone like a drink?” Margaretta waved to the centre of the room, where four cushioned chairs standing on glossy, lacquered wood sat. She made her way over to a glassy cabinet and adjusted a series of gears inset next to the handles.
If Isadora remembered the incident that had prompted such a lock correctly, Cassius and Ember had snuck into the study and stolen three bottles of wine. She hadn’t been a direct witness, but heard they drank one, the second was recovered, and the third never found.
“I’ll take the floor,” Mishal murmured to her as he passed by. She opened her mouth to protest but then shut it. He’d never budge anyway.
She asked for water after her mother and Hanna had made their requests. Both her father and Mishal had politely declined.
“Your seventeenth birthday and coming of age is soon to be upon us,” Margaretta said as she poured the beverages.
Isadora didn’t turn, but it wasn’t as if she had to. Everyone glanced at her. She ducked her head, tucking her hands into her laps, and smiled. Her father reached over from his seat beside her and squeezed her shoulder.
Margaretta put away her bottles and closed the cabinets, switching the gears back into their locked position before bringing the drinks over. She set them down, and then moved back towards her desk to lean against.
“We have been planning an expedition for some time now. As the two of you know—” she nodded towards Isadora and Mishal— “we are the lifeblood of this country’s records and histories. We’re the ones who document everything of note that happens, but we also seek out the past that has been lost to us.” She rested her hands behind her on the desk and folded one leg over the other. “We are especially interested in the downfall of the three kingdoms that now lie in ruins.”
Isadora glanced over at Mishal, and they exchanged a look. Truthfully, she knew the bare minimum about the ruins, only that two of the kingdoms had fallen after their rightful leaders, their trueblooded leaders, had been killed. Rowan or Cassius would likely have been more productive if Margaretta wanted an open conversation.
“The expedition is set for the Ruins of the Castle in the Valley. We wanted to wait until some of you were old enough, and while it would be preferable if Mishal were to be of age as well, I believe it will be a good experience for the both of you.” Margaretta sipped out of her copper encased glass. A strand of her dark bronze hair had escaped the sleek knots at the back of her head, but as always, they looked tasteful. If Isadora’s hair did that, it just looked messy.
“Just the two of us?” Mishal asked. He was sitting rigid and attentive, hands placed methodically on his thighs, but the fingers of his left hand were twitching, and his eyes were bright. He was absorbing this like water to a sponge.
Margaretta tipped her chin forward. “Yes. The others are too young for such an undertaking.” She glanced between their parents. “Make no mistake, this will not be an easy journey.”
Almost seventeen years, and the farther Isadora had ever been was the woods next to the village beside the Chronicler’s Guild. She’d studied maps, traced fingers over the mountains and rivers in their last recorded state of being.
People talked about the dangers of the Wilderlands, how the land shifted and changed, how anyone who strayed from the industrial roads would be lost or worse. But she’d never seen it. She hadn’t been sure she’d get the chance.
But it also meant leaving behind everything she’d known for those seventeen years. It meant leaving behind Rowan, Cassius, Ember, and Alanna. She’d likely be away from her parents, who would have to stay back with Alanna. She’d be away from Ashael and his quiet voices and soft kisses.
“When do we leave?” Mishal asked, now tapping two fingers against his thigh. He was looking towards Margaretta, but her eyes were unfocused. He was probably imagining the journey already.
“The eighth day of the new year,” Margaretta told him. Margaretta was watching her though, as if she could sense the doubts that were plaguing her. She probably could.
Isadora ducked her chin forward a little, teeth grazing the edge of her inner lip. “Is there chance we could leave on the thirteenth instead?” It made it sound like she had made up her mind already. Maybe she had. The opportunity to leave like this, on a real mission to see the world…
Her mother was giving her a curious look over the rim of her copper-caged glass. “Why the delay?”
Mishal snorted. “Because Cassius’ birthday is on the twelfth,” he said. He met Isadora’s gaze and she narrowed her eyes at him.
Margaretta was watching her, assessing Mishal’s word. She met her Guildmaster’s gaze with determination. Her mother taught her better than to shy away from something she wanted, especially if it was important like this. “Yes,” she confirmed. “I won’t leave right before he turns fourteen.”
“It is not a particularly significant age,” Hanna pointed out. “Does it warrant a setback in an expedition that has been in the works for years?”
“Don’t think I didn’t notice the two of you leaving my study,” Margaretta added, raising an eyebrow towards Isadora.
Her cheeks warmed and she finally ducked her head. “He’s a goodboy. He has a lot of energy and sometimes not enough to do with it.” She watched the water swirl in her glass, reflecting the copper, as if it held the proof to back her words. “If you won’t do it for him, do it for my birthday.” Now she glanced at her parents and was safe in the knowledge that it was only a little bit manipulative to cast that plea towards them.
On one hand, she knew she could easily lose her place in the expedition if it was so set that a few days delay would be unthinkable. She could lose her chance to see Stellarsyl. On the other hand, it would be cruel to leave four days before Cassius’ birthday, and she couldn’t do that to him. She’d do it for any of them.
She glanced at Mishal, who rolled his eyes. She was glad that being in the presence of adults and pretending to be responsible was holding his tongue.
“It’s only a few days,” Margaretta finally said, and set her glass aside. “But we leave first thing in the morning on the thirteenth. You two will have to be ready to set out.”
Warmth blossomed in Isadora’s chest and she released a long breath, mouth curling into a smile.
She would finally get the chance to see beyond the Chronicler’s Guild. She’d get to see the Wilderlands, the industrial roads, the outposts that decorated the sides of them for travellers to stay on their voyages.
Maybe she’d find seashells to bring back for Rowan or get to tell Ember if she saw an airship or a newly developed mechanical carriage. She could bring Cassius back stories or find a dragon figurine. Perhaps she could bring a new dress back for Alanna to dance around the guild in. Her little sister would love that.
In her excitement, the possibility of everything new to experience, she quite forgot about the legends of curses surrounding the ruins, and how nobody who had gone to them ever returned.
word count:
1,327
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Time spent:
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125,028 Literary Works • 672,774 Reviews
Hello there, @mellifera! It's Vilnius, back with another extended review.
What I Like
Again, I like how these sections are shorter than your prologue. It makes it much easier to read, and it's not daunting.
What I Dislike
I feel like this last sentence is just really, really awkwardly worded. It pulled me out of the story from the get go because I had to clarify in my head what it meant.
Again, I feel like this sentence was a bit awkward. It also pulled me out of the story, thus slowing be down.
I love how this is worded, but it was a bt plot dump-ish.
Have a nice [*insert time of day here*]!!!
Scribs!
Shady back, and excited to see where you're taking it in part two of the chapter. Let's get started...
The "her" here is a bit vague. I'm pretty sure this is Isadora feeling small, but since it's the opening of the second half of the chapter, and since it mentions another woman in this sentence, I'd try to be a bit more specific.
Omg Cassius CHILD I love him <3
Against... it?
furthest?
I am tired so this might just be my brain not processing things well, but I'm having a hard time following the pronouns in these two paragraphs. Is the first "her" I bolded supposed to be a "his"? And is the second "her" supposed to be Isadora?
This... feels like a random thing for Margaretta to say at this point? I'm not really tracking how it fits in with the current dialogue? Like, if there was another line of like "you really like him, don't you?" and Isadora denied it then maybe? But like... idk, rn it just feels like an ahah caught ya from Margaretta, more than it actually making sense in the scene?
This gave me big puppy dog vibes xD Who's a good boi
~ ~ ~
I liked this chapter!
It really set Margaretta up more as an authority figure, and I really like how you contrasted Isadora's insecurities against a strong female leader in her life. It is really well done and I'm here for it. I like Margaretta a lot more now than I did in the first half of this chapter.
I stand by what I said about Isadora needing a bit of a stronger voice, but you mentioned you were still developing her at this point, which is totally fair! If you do come back to edit this I'd suggest maybe editing a bit to make her really stand out a bit more in these early chapters, especially since they are from her POV.
But this is exciting! I really like the cliffhanger you left off on! I am interested to see where this mission is going to take them and what all these curses amount to! This is a really nice chapter!
Keep writing and Happy RevMo!
~Shady
(too lazy to give you a banner this time)
you'd think that all the people who told me about the pronouns by now that I would have fixed them but no xD that's something that definitely need attention
I'm so glad you love Cassius he's so precious and I adore him and I'm very glad other people do too <333
thank you so much for your review!! <333 v appreciated ^^
Hey there, I'm back for the next chapter! I'm excited to see where this goes
At first you say the chairs are standing on the wood, but then you describe them as being sat. To me, that didn't really work.
Omg xD
You don't really need a comma here.
I remember in the prologue you capitalized "Ruins," so I'm curious as to why you didn't here. Perhaps I am missing something though and it's only capitalized in certain instances. If so, pardon me cx
Wow, that is relatable xD
I believe "farther" should be "farthest"
Unless I am missing something, "voices" should be singular since you only have one voice.
I believe you meant "his eyes" instead of "her" because the next sentence talks about him being lost/daydreaming, not her.
I'm confused since you introduced a "her" after talking about Margaretta and Mishal for awhile. Is there "her" Isadora? If so, I don't think it would hurt to clarify.
You're missing a space between "good" and "boy"
Nice haha xD
I love this passage as it tells us how little Isadora has seen, which shows in her rambling-like thoughts. And the ending is very ominous and a good way to close the chapter. It makes me wonder if her parents are really okay with her going, knowing the dangers of the ruins. They didn't seem opposed to the idea.
Overall, another great chapter! c: I'm really enjoying this story so far. We're getting to see more of Isadora's personality and more of the world that you have built. I'm excited to see what happens next. I hope this helped!
didn't miss anything, I just can never remember at any given moment whether to capitalise it or not, so it's inconsistent like this through the whole thing lol
thank you for your reviews!! they're v v appreciated <3
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world)
And we continue on,
First Impression: Good little set up what I'm assuming is this plot getting underway. And so those kingdoms fell. So far this is pretty interesting though I can't still figure out what the actual story arc is.
Nice little introduction to this character.
That last part seems like it was bit of exposition meant for the readers only but it's okay. Some stories try to shove this down your throat, you seem to be lightly slapping us with it which is not great but you do have to convey this somehow and it is not bad just not the best way this could have been phrased.
*coughs violently* No idea why that happened. Sorry.
This is a nice little sentiment. Reinforces that relationship shown earlier with them being really good friends.
If she has a lock for the beverage cabinet she should have locked the study or is Cassius capable of unlocking things with magic? The latter seems unlikely because the study being unlocked was not addressed as a surprising thing. So that seems inconsistent.
Now that's smooth way to introduce some characters.
Okay I though this was her POV and not an omniscient narrator because this last line sounds like a narrator.
And oooh!!! Sounds ominous.
Overall: Nice little setup though it is still not very clear exactly what's going on. Also this has a ton of main characters. That's not problem but just thought I should point that out.
And we're done. Remember to take what was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Okay, I'll start by saying I'm enjoying this story and it's got everything: good characters, an interesting setting and a plot that draws you in; it's involving and it's got a nice flow to it.
I've got to say, though, that I wished some parts had been less allegoric. As for example, when Margaretta is speaking, you keep on interrupting the scene to describe this copper-encased glass and what she's doing to it. I reckon that is a bit of overdescribing because I don't see how her interaction with the glass added up to the plot or character building. There was also a little bit too much of dropping new characters and new locations that maybe for now are irrelevant and only made some sentences come across as messy.
At last, I just want to point out that Isadora's character got me a lil confused in this chapter. When she finds out she's summoned to go on an important mission, her immediate reaction is to feel that is unfair that she'll be taken away from her friends and family. Then, she realises pretty quickly that, actually, that's a great opportunity for her growth and journey in this educational system we still have absolutely no idea about. Okay, so then she is excited to go, but she wants to be around for Cassius birthday. But then, you finally let the reader know that trip is only going to last a few days - it's a short trip - but then they're also going to a place no one has ever returned from... and her mum didn't even mention that? There was no warnings or letting them know they probs won't ever come back? This got me confused lol
But of course I am just trying to be helpful. I love this and will keep on reading!
Hi Scribs! Welcome to this, my 750th review. This for the fifth blue star!
Nit-picks:
Slightly confusing sentence structure. Could you put the "sat" after the "where"?
It was ages ago I read this but I thought maybe she was younger than that? Just the way so much of what was being discussed was getting in trouble.
I feel like it might be worth this having an actual name. You know that way in YA where everything gets a capital letter to tell you it's Important. Teensy bit of vibes like that (not too big a deal though)
That one's absolutely fine to be clear
Overall:
I read the reviews below and if it wasn't for the ages I might actually also have wondered if Cassius and Isadora were in a relationship. I think it's the way she seems to be being teased. It might also be good to have this Ashael mentioned slightly more throughout the chapter, at least at the end when the people are being listed. He seems important enough that we should hear more about him. I say he, I guess I'm actually assuming that's a male name.
Anyways, there's something I really like about your writing style. It might be as simple as you just having really good pacing and flow - you say just the right amount about each thing that happens and each person that's involved before moving on, so that I'm not confused, but there's not an infodump in sight, despite a lot of information being conveyed.
This might be because I've just been watching the new His Dark Materials series, but this feels like the kind of start to a story I've read a few times before. However, another way of putting that is that this is a solid place to start and makes it really easy to know where I stand as I continue reading. A danger at the start of a story can be having a whole bunch of things happen but never really establishing what the story is going to be about, and it just turns into essentially slice-of-life, which happened with a story I read recently, so it's nice to be able to sink my teeth into something.
Plus, your prologue was awesome in terms of an original idea, AND I still remember it despite reading it at the very start of LMS xD
Hope this helps,
Biscuits
I'll keep in mind the age thing! If Isadora was more assertive in way that she caught Cassius/warned him what would happen if someone else had caught him, would that have helped at all? I'm not sure how it comes across, but that's probably because I have the perspective of being the writer haha
huh, that's,,, really interesting?? how would you fix the teasing so it didn't come across as being couple-y? I don't,,, inherently associate that with romance, but this isn't the first time that I've had a non-related female/male friendship come across as romantic. I'll definitely try to mention Ashael though more! (and yeah Ashael's a he!)
I mean, it wouldn't be crazy to make that specific connection because the Golden Compass was one of the inspirations that gave me the idea for this story xD
Congrats on your fifth blue star!! that's awesome
The age thing: maybe some sense of what the punishment would be. My natural expectation is like getting grounded or something, which might be where the age thing is coming from.
The teasing thing, I think it's like... you know when you're about twelve or thirteen and when boys start hanging out with girls (heteronormative i know) everyone starts teasing them and singing that they're sitting in a tree and stuff? This just gave me that vibe. I'm actually not sure what vibe I'm meant to be getting, given the ages that they actually are :/
Ahhhh fair. The new TV series is so so good so it's been on my mind recently xD
Thanks! I'm glad to have finally made good on a review goal I set two years ago xD You're absolutely welcome
thank you for the suggestions <3
so I hear! I really want to watch it but I don't have hbo D:
better late than never! :p
So I know he means the chairs are taken and he's left with no chair, but I tooootally thought he meant he was going to speak instead of Margaretta. XD I was like WOAH HE'S THAT KIND OF GUY THEN but then I realized that was not what happened. //unhelpful
Okay, as soon as I read this, I got IMMEDIATELY EXCITED. This is sO FASCINATING TO ME and I am SO excited to see what this kind of position entails because there are ruins now and omg. omgomgomg. WHAT A FUN IDEA I AM SO EXCITED SALDJF;SD
I love this SO much. You already introduce several of her close friends in such simple sentences, and I can already tell there's a diverse cast here at home. And since we're lingering here for a few days, perhaps we'll get to meet some of them too. Whether we do or not, though, I absolutely love that you established her friends already right here. It's great foreshadowing for the kinds of things she would see as well as the kind of company she usually keeps. She has familiarity with all of these subjects because her friends love them! I love this so much.
KING OF CLIFFHANGERS.
Okay, so this generally got me SUPER excited for the adventure that awaits us. What a teaser segment! I WANT TO GO NOW. I was so sad Isadora wanted to hang around for five days 'cause OMG ADVENTURE ANYONE ???
It definitely felt like we dwelled on this request to stay behind for a long time. At some point, I was growing a bit impatient and just wanted a decision to be made. Granted, I'll admit I didn't get any sense of urgency until her mother (I think it was?) challenged her request about it being a super important mission that had been going on for years. So I guess I didn't think this was a dramatic request to begin with, and that's probably why dragging out the decision-making process just slowed down the pacing.
It was super cute, though, that Isadora was willing to delay such a fun adventure
full of curses and DEATHfor Cassius. That goes to show how close she is to Cassius as well as how much she cares for those she loves. Insignificant age or no, it's still her best friend's birthday and was not going to leave on that kind of note. Especially if it sounds like she might not be back for a while, if at all?So that was cute. And I am so worried as to how Cassius is going to handle the news. D: IS HE GOING TO SNEAK AWAY WITH THEM. gosh that sounds like a terrifying idea. though he is a magic-user omgomgom--well, I guess Mishal might be? He had books and things that Isadora hinted Cassius was interested in. I don't know! I DON'T KNOW I JUST WANT TO KNOW THOUGH ??
Oh! And I also want to say that for having parents in the room, they seemed rather quiet the entire time. I'm definitely glad they were involved in this meeting, but if they don't have much say in the matter anyway, it seems like they weren't really needed at all and probably didn't have to be there. Perhaps to ask questions? Maybe one of them can show concern about the mission or uneasiness? Or are there contracts they have to sign to give her away to the cause/mission or whatever? I don't know! They seemed to just be convenient ways to make Isadora's request look ridiculous rather than serve much more parental purpose.
Also side note that I am SO sad for Isadora having to leave someone like Ashael behind. Clearly he means soso much to her and he just sounds like the sweetest Boy and I don't want them to part omg.
your reviews give me so much life and joy :'D
it's pretty funny because that first quote you had there I read it and I HAD THE SAME REACTION when it was taken out of context ;P whereas when I was writing it did not occur to me in the slightest.
that's actually really interesting! I thought I wasn't making it a big enough deal and that I let the request slip by really easily! I'll definitely think about reworking that for later though. Really goes to show my perspective is completely different haha
I added the parents because I thought it'd be pretty odd if Margaretta told this to their children without them present? So, they already knew about these mission, it's only the kids that didn't! I was, admittedly, having trouble trying to include them because I didn't want them to be quiet, but they already know about the mission and I... had nothing for them to say lol. This scene definitely needs reworking, but that's for Later.
thank you for much for your reviews, you're the best <33
YOU ARE MOST WELCOME. I should be thanking you for such an enjoyable read!! <3
It's just a perspective thing! Honestly, it could just be me. It will definitely help getting others to weigh in on it just to get a good feel for how the scene is portrayed.
I definitely agree that it felt right to have the parents around. The fact that they already knew about the mission could be expressed somewhere, however, and perhaps that will come up later for all I know. Going into this, I didn't know the parents already knew, so I expected the parents to be just as interested in whatever Margaretta had to say!
Perhaps only one parent needed to show up if they were only there for support in the first place, like Dad could probably have just gone to work or whatever he does instead. Or perhaps we'll hear them share their side of the story later. Plenty of options to explore, I think, and as you said -- plenty of time later to look at it!
Whoa, what?
I thought Isodora and Cassius were going to be a couple, and Mishal was jealous, but is she with someone named Ashael? And is Cassius her brother, because I'm still getting very jealous vibes from Mishal!
Also, after reading the prologue I'm just a bit confused. Isn't the guild the ones who kidnapped the children? And why are they magic or something? Maybe it's coming later but I feel like you could hash out those logistics a bit more.
That's all I have to say, can't wait for the next chapter!
Hey!
I'm curious how they came across as being a couple?? I had absolutely no intentions of writing them as such, so I'm really baffled how this came across. Isadora and Cassius have a very close, sibling-like relationship (they're not related though). Mishal it definitely not jealous, he just gets irritated by Cassius and his antics! I'm not,,, sure how that came across as jealous?
The guild is the one who kidnapped the children, but the children don't know that! And they're not necessarily magic, but a few of them (Cassius and Rowan) can both perform some magic. I'm sorry I didn't make that clear!
Thank you for your review!
Oh okay. I'm not sure why I thought Cassius and Isadora were a couple, but Mishal was jealous because every time Isadora mentioned Cassius he got annoyed. I might have been just making weird assumptions though!
No it's fine! I just wanted to know how that might be coming across so I'd be able to rectify it later!
I think it was just me hoping for some romantic drama!