Lekan was lighter as he made his way down the stairs. His life was by no means in order, but something that had been broken after his father’s death had healed. He stood at the bottom of the stairs, hands on hips, looking at the wrinkled rugs, upturned furniture, and rumpled curtains all encased in the eerie silence of a household not yet recovered. He did the one thing any self-respecting young man would do when faced with a grim setting.
He left.
The air was still hot, clinging to the idea of the sun which had already dipped under the horizon. The street was busy with nobles leaving for engagements. Stunted trees, bullied into life by water piped from the oasis, rustled softly, and Lekan decided he would prefer to walk. Maybe he could get some thoughts in order as he did. He made his way across the street, considering his destination.
Perhaps a jazz club? A nice place where he could sit in a corner and let music wash over him while shooting glances at whatever girl caught his eye. That would be a sure way to forget his troubles.
A voice in his head that sounded disturbingly similar to Obi asked him if he really wanted to forget. He swore to himself. He didn’t know what he wanted.
Walking in the dusk, sweat quickly forming a sticky layer on his skin, he glimpsed someone ducking behind a tree as he turned a corner. He raised an eyebrow and continued, thoughts racing. Qui would tell him to be nonchalant. He shouldn’t let the tail know he was aware of their presence until he wanted them to, so he stuck his hands in his pockets and started to whistle.
Perhaps it was a little overdone, but it brought a smile to his face, and he felt he needed to take those moments where they came.
His mind fluttered distractedly from possibility to possibility, happy to play out worst-case scenarios over and over again. It could be a guardsman come to kidnap him. His pending espionage could already have already been discovered, and a Velodian assassin had been sent to get rid of the problem before he could do anything. It could be a random thug on the street who thought he looked like a good target.
He shook himself and turned another corner, just to make sure he wasn’t working this up for nothing. The figure ducked again, this time behind a light post. If he wasn’t mistaken, he had just caught the swish of skirts.
Interesting.
Quickly moving into the shadows of a house, he made adjustments to his theories as he waited with baited breath to see who his tail would wind up being. He blinked and straightened when a veiled face turned to peer at him, opening his mouth to greet Qui.
“Really? You don’t have an attack planned? This is the first place anyone would look when they saw that you weren’t still walking on the sidewalk.” She folded her arms, sending him back to when he’d had a nanny. “I also knew exactly when you’d seen me. You’re ridiculously obvious. This isn’t a game.”
He shrugged sheepishly, smirking at her a little. “I saw you though.”
“It took you forever. You didn’t even check to see if there were any other people following you.” Her voice was sharp and pricked his skin like a sting that itched afterward.
He felt his hackles rising despite promising himself that he would maintain a pleasant façade and frowned darkly at her. “Excuse me if I don’t have any experience being paranoid.”
Her shoulders relaxed as if he had pressed a button, and she patted his shoulder, chirping a bit too cheerily for his tastes, “You will though. Offer me your arm like the gentleman you say you are.”
Wondering at her sudden mood change, he offered his arm immediately. “Can I escort you to your destination, ma’am?” he asked dutifully.
She laughed. “Why, yes you can. Thank you for offering.” She accepted his arm and propelled him down the alley.
He let himself be led, expecting her to explain things as they walked. She was quiet though, and as each moment passed, he grew antsy. “Why-”
She turned to look at him sharply, and he wished that the dark didn’t make it so hard to see through her veil. “Silence is a tool or a weapon. Become impervious to it yourself, and you can wield it skillfully. If you don’t, it will be used against you.”
His jaw snapped closed, and he set his eyes on a light post determinedly.
The quickly cooling night squatted between them as they passed houses alight with gaiety and activity.
He heard her sigh. “Lekan, you said you wanted me to help you. My job isn’t to please you anymore. It’s to teach you how to act. Don’t you understand that? I can teach you so much faster if I don’t have to pretend you’re perfect at the same time.” She bumped her hip with his in an oddly familiar movement that suddenly made him completely aware of her every move.
He glanced at her, read her sincerity in the tilt of her head, and relaxed a little, letting the silence speak for him… Except he didn’t find silence very eloquent. “You wouldn’t happen to know Velodian?” he asked with a grin.
End of chapter
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138,375 Literary Works • 672,110 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review
This paragraph is a bit detached from the rest of the chapter. It stands alone, but it really shouldn't the ending of the paragraph before it mentions Lekan wondering where he was going to go. Considering the jazz club should really come right after that sentence.
Lekan is taking Qui's advice to heart. We haven't really seen him do that before. He's been having all these lessons with her, even though he didn't know they were lessons, and he hasn't been using the advice. Here, though, it's almost the first thing that comes to his mind. Maybe he actually is learning something from her.
Qui is back with Lekan again and it seems to have picked up where they left off, as much as I can remember. She seems to be a little more desperate in her lesson though, chiding him right away rather than asking him to find his own mistake. She and Obi have had many talks recently and I wonder if those were what prompted her to do this. Probably.
It's always funny how Qui knows so, so much more about everything than Lekan does. You'd think that he'd know more with Obi being his uncle and everything, but he doesn't. There are so many lessons that Qui has taught him and still more that she has yet to teach him. I find it funny because in the majority of your novel, it's the men that are the strongest or the smartest. And Qui just defies all of those stereotypes.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg!
So, that was a fairly short chapter and I hope you know it constitutes to a fairly short review. I only pulled out one thing which needed attention and that basically had more to do with the previous one tying with this one than anything else. So, this will be pretty short xD
Back again! :3 I did say I would be
I felt like this chapter was perfect in itself. I liked how we saw Qui and Lekan acting together again, and I loved what Qui said at the end. I think she is also understanding that his departure is coming up soon and she still has a lot of work to do, so she is trying to hurry things on the way by mentioning that his emotions will have to be kept out of the picture for now. Another thing which I found you did very well was the descriptions in this chapter. When Lekan first goes out into the street and you mention how everything looks, I felt like you chose the perfect words to describe it and it painted a beautiful picture in my mind!
This was basically the only issue I could find with this chapter. When I read that I realized that the conversation he had with his mother beforehand was supposed to have a lot more significance! And I didn't really realize that as I read it, which means you need to make that moment a bit more dramatic or have a bigger impact on the reader so they understand the weight of what they are reading. I think a possible way of doing this would be to show more of Lekan's thoughts before he breaks out the three words of I love you. I get the impression that when he speaks those words it is the moment he forgives his mother. So make sure we see the conflicting thoughts in his mind, and him noticing that even though he might not have a father Obi isn't that bad and he still has a mother he shouldn't let go of. Make him think that she had her reasons, and even if he doesn't agree with them, he realizes that he loves his mother more. Having all those thoughts churn through his head before he releases the words to secure them makes the whole moment have a lot more impact.
As well as that, in the previous chapter there is a moment where Conya is called back and she turns around looking hopeful. I felt like she was simply looking that way because she wanted to talk to her son more and hadn't done so in a while. Maybe you should make that look have a bit more in it as well, again to add more impact. Mention that her smile was hopeful because she wanted to talk more, or if in that smile Lekan could see the regret for losing him as she did, the sadness of being so alone and the hope that her son would come to forgive her so they could become a family again. I feel like that moment is pretty important when it comes to him forgiving her, so maybe you should dramaticise that section a bit more?
That's all I really have to say. I was simply surprised how he felt lighter at the beginning of this chapter as I didn't see a particular reason for it until I noted what the reasoning was supposed to be.
Keep writing
Deanie x
Hi, there! Lefty here to review part 2!
I really liked this part and I enjoyed reading about Qui's character. She seems mysterious and calm, mature and kind, yet not afraid to put anyone in their place. I really liked her. Before I go on, I'll mention a few nitpicks:
It sort of sounded like a word or two was missing here. It might sound better with "who has" in there. So, "It could be a guardsman who has come to kidnap him."
It sounds like you wrote this sentence one way, then updated it but left a word in from the original way it was written. Having two "already"s in there makes it repetitive.
The last part of that sentence, "opening his mouth to greet Qui", sounded odd. Almost like the sentence cut off or something. I think it should be moved to it's own sentence for starters and should be reworded to something like this: "...to peer at him. He opened his mouth to greet Qui, but she cut him off."
I think it would sound better it "determinedly" was moved to earlier in the sentence. So, "he determinedly set his eyes on the light post."
Okay, that's all for the nitpicks! I didn't find too much to touch on this time which is why a lot of those were a lot more nitpicky. More like suggestions/opinions of mine, really.
Anyway, I really liked the way this chapter was written and I could picture everything pretty clearly. It seems like your story takes place in a really cool, exotic destination which gives it a really interesting feel. I like it! Lekan seems like a interesting and in-depth character while, like I said above, Qui seems to be really intriguing. I enjoyed this chapter a lot and once I got into it, it went by really fast. Nice job! I wish you the best of luck with the rest of your novel, chapter 24 is quite the accomplishment! Keep writing and have a nice day!
-Lefty
I'm really really sorry but I'm going to review this without reading the other chapters. I will do my best to make this useful in some way to you.
The only thing I found while I was going through was this:
Well, you have given me next to nothing to nit-pick, which is good for you, but review-limiting for me
You've used adverbs sparingly and with consideration, I can tell. But I think this one doesn't quite fit. It would work if you moved it to before "set" because then the emphasis would be on it. On the other hand, you could describe his "stiff" gaze, or use a much better word than "stiff".
~~~
And onwards.
I can't really comment on plot, but I will go back and read this more so that I can, because this was very enjoyable.
I'm really struggling to find something to critique. There's not that much setting worked in. I'm assuming he's in a city, but that's only because jazz clubs are available. Maybe you could mention if the place is empty, and easier to see his trail, or really full, and difficult to see his trail.
I'm sorry, that's all I got. Keep going with your flow, pace, balance of dialogue, narration and action.
Well done