Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language, violence, and mature content.
A/N - There's another card game in here. Again, it's just a bunch of random card terminology because I'm not sure what game I want to base it off of.
Qui reached behind his head, and he leaned forward, ready for the kiss he had been dreaming of only to be dazed when she flipped a switch that turned on bright electric lights overhead.
"Surprise is an advantage to exploit. Don't forget it. I keep the lights as a safe guard in case any of my customers try to do anything I don't like." She stood and pulled back the curtains. A bed, a vanity, and a coffee table lay behind them which was disappointingly normal to him. The atmostphere in that part of the room was much more feminine. The furniture was delicate, the paint light. She started pushing the coffee table into the larger part of the room.
Blinking, he looked up at the light and then into her room before she pulled the curtains closed again. "Why are you telling me all of your secrets?" he asked, brow wrinkled as he watched her slide the table across the rug. Her dress, while fairly modest for a whore, dipped down as she bent. Staring despite himself, he finally got a hold of himself and jumped up to help her, pulling it the rest of the way before stopping in front of the couch.
Gracefully sitting beside him again, she put a hand on his leg. Overwhelmed, Lekan wondered if it was a dare or a meaningless touch. He was about to raise his hand to brush her cheek when she turned away to face the table. "Think we could play with those cards of yours?"
"Um..." Lekan still didn’t quite understand what was going on. He'd obviously gotten signals crossed somewhere. "Sure." He fished Obi's cards out of his pocket and laid them on the table. "You're not going to try to discover who I am through cards or some bull like that are you?"
Taking the cards, Qui slowly shook her head. "Has someone tried to do that to you?" she asked softly.
"My uncle. These are his cards actually. He gave them to me after doing his cute party trick." Sighing loudly, he muttered, "He's had them forever." Tapping the table top anxiously, he blurted louder than he meant to, "I think he wants me to die. He's already moving in to marry Mother, and she sees nothing wrong with that of course and-" He flushed a dark pink and stood suddenly. "I'm sorry. That was uncalled for. I think I really need to go. I'm sorry I surprised you. I was just bored and..." He trailed off as he felt himself rambling, seeing her stand out of the corner of his eye.
She put a hand on his arm. "Stay a while longer, darling." Slowly maneuvering him to face her, she moved his arms so they circled her waist and rested her head on his chest. "I think you may be making assumptions too quickly. It seems like your uncle cares for you very much. I doubt he wants your death."
"Why not? He wants my mother. He should want my estate. With the estate comes a vote in the council." He sounded far away and lost. "How do you know Obi anyways? He's not the type to be familiar with your type."
Fingers playing in the hair by his ear, Qui smiled softly. "Doesn't Obi already control the estate? You don't seem that involved if you're in control."
Lekan rested his head on hers, closing his eyes as he breathed in the smooth scent of her hair. He smiled softly. "This is true. I guess I'm just scared, Qui, and I want someone to blame... Other than me." Clearing his throat, he took a step back. "I'm sorry. It's not your job to worry about any of that."
"Honey, let me worry about what I think I should worry about." She pet his arm a few times before sitting down again and patting the cushion beside her. "Now, come sit back down and play a game of cards with me. I need entertainment too." She shuffled the cards skillfully, watching Lekan as he traced the design etched into the table. He still seemed slightly shaken from his outburst. It was rather encouraging that he was afraid. Fear made people careful.
"Why do you wear a veil, Qui?" he asked as she dealt. "I've never seen someone wear one unless it was at a costume party. What are we playing?" He picked up his cards. "What are we playing?"
"Jacks and Maids. If I wanted people to know why I wear a veil. I would take it off sometimes." She laid down a card.
Interrupting his pondering, Lekan leaned forward with a sly grin. "Come on. You've shown me all of your other secrets." He put a card on the table with a wink.
She scoffed as if insulted, studied the cards, and put another card down the opposite direction the other two sat at the moments. "If those were all my secrets, I would not be as prosperous as I am," she murmured.
Grimacing, Lekan threw down a card and pushed all of them towards her. "Yours." He ran a finger down her wrist. "What harm could it do? I won't tell anyone."
She sighed heavily. "It's quite the story, you know."
"That's what I'm hoping for." Watching her put a card down, he raised an eyebrow. "Are you going to tell it?
"Well..." Tracing the edge of the table, she shrugged. "When I was young, I fell in with the wrong crowd." She took a slow deep breath. "It was mainly for survival. I was alone and starving. If I hadn't found some group to be with, I wouldn't be here. I joined the group and- I have to tell you here, I was actually quite pretty as a child. But, as I was saying..." She coughed discreetly, obviously struggling to tell the story. "I caught the leader's attention. At first he was really kind. He gave me extra food and sometimes brought me sweets which was quite rare. Then... One day, he called me back to his room, and I went, thinking he just wanted to talk. We'd become quite friendly. He... ah... tried to take advantage, and I fought back. There was a knife on the bed. I don't know why. Maybe he'd been planning to use it after he'd finished or maybe he'd been cleaning it. I grabbed it and tried to stab him. He got it out of my grasp, flipped me on my back and told me I wouldn't forget what happened when I... disobeyed a man." She coughed out a choked laugh. It landed in the air and floundered. "Now, I just get men to pay me for what he took, but I'll never forget." She reached under her veil, making Lekan hold his breath for hoping she'd take it off, and traced a line on her face.
He assumed it was a scar.
The room was silent. She wiped her eyes and laughed into the dense quiet.
"This is why I don't tell that story."
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Heya sugar,pretzelsing here for a review of this next chapter on review day. Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
Was he expecting something a little bit less normal:?: Why was he disappointed in the typical furniture of that time,when that was mostly was he always saw/experienced.
I think that you didn't need to repeat the word "type" twice in this sentence. I think that one time is enough and I would delete the second one and just write:
"He's not the type to be familiar with you."
I think that flows better,do you agree,sugar?
Well,is this here showing how inpatient Lekan is?(cause it sure it a good way) Or is this just a typo? Because depending on your answer you have to think about how you want to leave this. ^^ Do you see what I mean,sugar?
These two sentences seem very choppy and like they should be connected. So what if you wrote something like this:
"If I wanted people to know why I wear a veil, then I would take it off sometimes."
The transition is better here.
So I don't think that it is appropriate to laugh after such an emotional story that Qui just told Lekan. It just doesn't seem in the mood,if you sense what I mean,sugar.And,isn't it supposed to be quiet,with just the two of them.
One last thing, is that whole big paragraph whne Qui was telling the story behind the reason that she wore her veil, you used waytoo many ellipsis. It get's repetitive and it's ungrammatical. Here is a link to refer to with ellipsis.
Ahem,now a quick grammar lesson about the formatting of ellipsis.Here I will give you an example of how to fix them with one of your quotes.
Nu Nu, that's not how you write it.Here is how you format it.(in the spoiler below)
Spoiler
Well . . .
Hope that this makes sense, if you still don't understand or if you need more help with this,then I would be glad to clarify.
Aww,it's so sweet that Qui opened up about this to Lekan, I mean she says that she never tells this story.What inclined her to tell such a personal, emotional story to an very young adult?I liked that part though,because now I, as a reader know the purpose/reason behind her wearing a veil.I understand now why she doesn't want to tell that story to many people at all.^^
OMG! I want to see Lekan's reaction!?Maybe it's in the next chapter? I don't know,but you do kind of have a cliffhanger of sorts here,since I am dying to see it. I guess that I will just have to read on and see what happens.
Anyways,all of your chapters are so well-written and well-worded that us reviewers don't really have a lot to say.Don't blame us for writing shorter reviews(I see that Deanie and Noelle are writing shorter ones too
Anyways,that's it from me and I hope that this helps you improve your writing.Did I ever tell you that I don't think that you will edit these chapters at all or even write a second draft.They are just so damn good and not a lot of revising is needed.Of course, you can always improve,though
Hey there Megsug!
Here to try and catch up (yet again, *sigh*) with your novel. Sorry for always falling behind like this ^.^
I keep getting the feeling that Qui is going to fall in love with Lekan. And although Lekan is smitten, I don't think he's really in love. I wonder if he ever will be, and if we will actually see him living out his sentence in this novel? Or is it more focused on the preparation. I love the ending of this chapter. It just seemed like the perfect way to summarise all that was said about her tale. I also think the reason behind her wearing a veil as well is also an interesting one to hear. It's intriguing that she flipped it over and made what she suffered from her career. Most victims would try and run away from it, and I think it shows how strong she is because she chose to face it head on instead.
I know what you're trying to say, but I simply suggest rewording this to avoid the repetition. Something like: He's not the type to be familiar with people like you. I wonder if Qui sees this as insulting?
I think this just flows better to use the word 'that' instead of 'this' here.
I'm not sure if the repetition of the question is supposed to be there. Also, because we're managing two different subjects in one conversation, it always helps to have a break between the topics. So maybe you should have a sentence that goes like 'Lekan's eyes rested on the pile of cards in front of him as he picked them up' and then he asks about what game they're playing. I know, that was a terrible example xD But I hope you get it. Just something that will separate the two parts of the conversation, so it flows better together.
Again, this is the same thing as I mentioned above. Let's have a little break in there. Maybe Qui shifts uncomfortably for a moment, or Lekan notices her flinch or stiffen for a moment. Something small, but enough to bring us the little gap. Maybe even move the act of her laying down the card so it is the break itself.
I wanted to see a bit more of a reaction from Lekan to the tale. I, myself, am not sure how you would work it in and still have that fantabulous ending that you've got there, but there must be a way
One thing is, I think you mentioned previously that once the queen wore this veil too? And that the other people that Qui spent her time with (when she was with the queen as well) did too. But of course, this is a personal story so it couldn't have happened to them all. Which makes me wonder why they're wearing veils as well. Maybe because Qui proposed it be their "thing" or something?
You've inserted just the right amount of backstory. We know more about Qui, but as for her past, she still remains much of the mysterious character. I have to applaud you for that, because working in backstory at the right places and times isn't easy at all. You seem to have it perfected. Keep it up
Deanie x
:/ I don't think I *did* say the queen wore the veil. When I'm editing I'll keep an eye out for that impression and cut it out. Thank you for the review~ I'll definitely take everything you've said into account.
Hi there! I'm all caught up now!
That is, until you post the next chapter later today...so close.
This is what I was looking for: something shows just how into Qui Lekan is. I mean, of course he's going to want her, what guy wouldn't? But her he shows that he's bee thinking about her. Why else would he be dreaming of a kiss if she wasn't on her mind so much?
Wow, I was not expecting that story at all. Wow. Not only did I not expect it, but I also didn't expect Qui to tell it. She just doesn't seem like someone who would voluntarily tell that story. Then again, she is trying to get closer to Lekan so she can teach him all he needs to know about being a spy. I wonder if there is some sort of lesson hidden in there that she is going to teach him.
Man, I wish I had more to say about these chapters. Your writing is great and there really isn't anything I could correct. Yes there are a few typos here and there, but you'll be able to catch them when you go back and edit. Besides, I'm not one to point them out anyway.
The story is progressing very well. It is all going very smoothly, no places where I am confused or lost as to what is going on. Now that I think about it, does Lekan have any friends that he consistently talks to? You mention a previous part of this chapter that his friends weren't making him feel any better about having to go away. But we have yet to meet any of these friends. I highly doubt that he doesn't have any. Maybe that's something you could keep in mind as you continue writing.
I'm looking forward to reading more! Can't wait for the next chapter to come out.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
:O I'm the first one to review this? RARE! Anywho, I'm kinda confused (Probably cause i didn't read the other few chapters xD) But first, lets get to the review.
Compliments! We all love em, right off the bat i can tell this is more of a emotional story rather than an action story. I love how you cram in the feelings and thoughts throughout the story. This helps the piece flow and really gets your point across. I love how you portray Qui as more mysterious than just the stereotypical prostitute.
Criticisms! Sorry but we all have mistakes. First off, When you say, "What are we playing?" He picked up his cards. "What are we playing?" I'm guessing this is a typo. I would rather you just said What are we playing once. The other thing is, when you say "It landed in the air and floundered" I know what you're tying to say but i think saying it's a choked laugh is fine.
Welp thats all folks! (Or if it's just u then folk will do) Keep writing!