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The Veil - Chapter 16 Part 3

This time Lekan waited, frowning in exasperation when Obi did too, a smile upon his face that did not seem so friendly. There was silence. He wasn’t sure why, but Lekan was determined not to make the first move. Obi slid his foot, and Lekan jumped in the opposite direction, right into his uncle’s blade. He swore, shooting a glare at Obi as he paced away.

“You’ve lost your touch, Lekan,” Obi reprimanded softly.

Lekan calmly faced him again, feeling his muscles tighten and his chest fill with anger and fear and frustration. He could breathe with all of it clambering for his attention. There was no chance at thinking. How was he supposed to focus on the small tells fencing included when he couldn’t focus on the fact that he was leaving in less than two weeks, to go to an enemy country. He barely heard the words flying from his mouth, “What? You let me win when we fenced too?” He thought it was a sarcastic mutter slipped through the silence Obi left, but from the utter quiet that rang in the basement as his emotions settled for a split second, he knew it hadn’t been so.

Obi cleared his throat and stepped out of the court. “Yes. I did let you win when you were young, and now you’re grown.”

“So that’s it?” Lekan muttered, stepping out as well. “You’re grown, so I feel like I can tell you that you can’t do anything right. See you later as I hole up in my office, scheming about getting my hands on your mother.” He wanted to bang his head against the wall violently, as Obi’s brow wrinkled and relaxed.

Obi took a deep breath as if he was going to say something very long of great importance. “Sometimes we need to be outside of the court.” He leveled a long stare at Lekan that was thrown back defiantly. “I will ignore the other statements with the assumption that you weren’t thinking when you made them which isn’t very different from the norm, really.” He moved quickly, but not as he had when going by fencing guidelines.

Barely having time to lift his foil, Lekan swore as he backed away and parried. “Why do you turn everything into a lesson?” he demanded, gasping as he returned blows. He took another few steps back as he blocked a complicated maneuver of Obi’s.

“You have so much to learn. No time can be wasted.” He advanced, and Lekan glanced up to meet his gaze which was coolly resting on his face. “Like so-” He dodged an attack, using Lekan’s momentum to make him stumble. He smiled grimly into Lekan’s wide eyed expression when he realized that he was outmatched. Clearing his throat, he continued, “You’re distracted, and you’re letting your distraction keep you from your best performance.”

“How do you know what my best is?” he snarled and lunged to attack again, only to be put on the defense by a flurry of quick twists of his uncle’s blade.

“Dear boy, it’s not hard to find out about the silly duels you and your companions decide to have. It’s no secret that you’re a second worth having, and your skills with the sword are enviable.” His words were a little raspier now as Lekan, full of wrath, put all of his power behind his blows.

Lekan made a sound that was confusion and anger and frustration balled into one whine. “Why then?” He suddenly barked out a pleasantly surprised laugh when he was able to lock their blades together when blocking another maneuver. His shoulders were broader than Obi’s, and he was younger, he definitely had more power. While Obi probably out classed him in skill and experience, brute force could win too in the right situations.

Obi changed his footing, his feet scraping against the gray brick as he did so and leaned against his foil as if he planned to try to out-muscle Lekan as well. He smiled in response to Lekan’s smirk, enough of a warning that Lekan was worried just a second before Obi sidestepped. As Lekan stumbled forward, a flick of Obi’s blade sent his flying. Lekan completely lost his footing, sprawling across the floor.

The clatter of the foil onto the brick floor accompanied Lekan’s panting as Obi stood over him, wiping sweat off of his brow with his shirt sleeve. “Because…” He took a moment to catch his breath, taking deep breaths. “The talented can learn the most, and you have a lot to learn.” He watched as Lekan struggled to his knees. “I’m also tired of being the only one worrying about you.”

Lekan squeezed his eyes shut, sighing heavily. Damn, he was tired of admitting his weaknesses to everyone today. He realized that Obi was trying to look out for him, but it didn’t make it any easier. “I’m not going to pretend like I think everything you say is right just because it happened to fall out of your mouth like you seem to expect from me all the time.”

“Did I just hear an, ‘I want to try to cooperate, Uncle Obi?’”

Lekan looked behind him and up at Obi. “I hope I didn’t sound that obnoxious.”

Offering a hand to help Lekan up, Obi smirked. “You always sounds that obnoxious, boy.”

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Oct 05, 2014 5:30 pm

Hi there Megsug!

Back for another chapter. I'm liking the way this story is going so far, and this was a good continuation to this chapter, and probably an ending to it too. I like how Lekan is smart enough to realise that everything happening to him, at least from Obi, is becoming a lesson. And I like how he is willing to accept defeat and take it even though he has been having what I would label as a bad day and is struggling to deal with an overwhelming thing called life. Even though I wouldn't have guessed it at the beginning, I do think it is now safe to say that Lekan is actually a pretty strong character. It took us a bit of a journey to find that out, but I like it. I wonder what is going to happen when he ends up in the turmoil of enemy territory though. Even though I know it's still steadily approaching, I feel like they wouldn't really do it to him...

He could breathe with all of it clambering for his attention.


Because of the context that this is said in, shouldn't that really be a couldn't instead of a could?

How was he supposed to focus on the small tells fencing included when he couldn’t focus on the fact that he was leaving in less than two weeks, to go to an enemy country.


Even though Lekan doesn't say this aloud, it is an internal question, so it needs a question mark there at the end ;) Oh and, I feel like the couldn't isn't really in the right place. Do you mean something like 'the small tells fencing included when he could only focus on the fact that'... etc. Otherwise, this paragraph and the one mentioned in the above quote doesn't really make too much sense.

as Obi’s brow wrinkled and relaxed.


Rewritten as: Obi's brow wrinkled, then relaxed. Because the two actions don't really pair well together because they show opposite emotions, so there needs to be a word that signals a pause between the two happen. That way the readers knows he was changing emotions quickly, and not trying to display two at once!

I felt like this chapter had an unusually formal tone? The other chapters don't possess this tone in it, so I found it a bit weird and off here? I am not sure how you would go about changing it too much, but I think it's just about tweaking some small phrases that seem to call formality (if I am making any sense right now.) Here's an example:

going to say something very long of great importance.


This could easily be written as: going to say something important.

I think you can see how one sounds more formal than the other? It's all in the word choice and the way you choose to say one thing. I would suggest quickly running through the chapter and trying to see things which could be rephrased and written more simply to get rid of the tone. You're looking for things like the above mentioned ^.^

that you weren’t thinking when you made them which isn’t very different from the norm, really.”


Comma needed between the word 'them' and 'which'.

“I’m not going to pretend like I think everything you say is right just because it happened to fall out of your mouth like you seem to expect from me all the time.”


Wow! What a long piece of speech! It's also a bit awkwardly written because there are so many small words in it, that when read aloud you can't help but stumble and trip over the words! Which isn't good, because it means it isn't flowing nicely, and chapters should flow? I have a suggestion for you to change this one a bit, so here goes:

Suggestion: I’m not going to pretend that I think everything you say is right, just because it happened to fall from your mouth (like you expect me to do all the time as well.)”

Actually, the part I put in brackets there is the part of the speech that I don't understand at all! Maybe you should put a full stop right where I put the brackets and start a new sentence which can then explain more thoroughly what you mean? Because I was left in a state of confusion when trying to rewrite that bit, because I just didn't know what you wanted to convey...

Also, try not to forget the other storylines! We have been seeing the lessons of Obi and Lekan, and Qui and Obi's conflict quite a bit now! (I do understand this is the main storyline of the story as well...) You did give us a little reminder that something has happened with Lekan's mother and the mystery there... It's just that we haven't heard from Obi's friend in a long time (so long I have forgotten his name! Not a good sign >.>), and the revolution that Obi is supposed to be spying on, and I want to see more of the king and queen, or at least one of them! I want more bits of those small plotlines. The trouble of managing so many plotlines is that sometimes it is hard to balance them all and still make the main one seem more prominent than the others. But I would hate to lose any of these, and I am sure you're able to do it. At least you will always have something to write about!

I'm looking forward to the next chapter! Like, post it already :D I have fallen in love with this novel, and if it was published I would buy it in an instant. You should really publish this, come to think of it ^.^

Image

Deanie x

User avatar
BillieJean
Review

Hi-yo! So let me start off with saying, good job!!! I think you did really well on this piece and I like it very much. While I haven't read any of the previous installments (actually I think I might have read one) I'm going to just review this like I normally do. If I say anything that is off just ignore it.

Structure and Content:
I think you did very well in this area. You have a good storyline going and pretty good structure as well. (paragraphs, sentence fluency, etc.) Your transitioning between dialogue and imagery/description is also really good. To put it simply your story flows really well.

Action/Reaction:
Now, you did a really good job with describing this but I think you could add maybe a little more dramatics or tension so to speak. (you can actually probably ignore this)

Emotion:
You conveyed the emotion pretty well in this and there's not much else I can say about this besides good job!!!

On conclusion I think you did really good with this piece and I can't wait to read more.



Today I bent the truth to be kind, and I have no regret, for I am far surer of what is kind than I am of what is true.
— Robert Brault