Digging his toe into the carpet, Sefu sighed heavily. “Let’s go to your study, Obi.”
Obi’s eyes narrowed. “I’ve started hating it when you say that.” He started stiffly down the stairs, fingers tapping angrily against the bannister as his palm brushed against it.
“I know it, and I’m sorry that it seems like I never come over to do anything other than spread bad news anymore.”
“It seems like you can’t,” Obi agreed, frowning. He could feel how timid Sefu was, and the fact crawled under his skin as they crossed the entryway to his study, making him angrier as the seconds passed. Friendship and business should never mix. He opened the door to his study and stared in, caught off guard for a moment by the chaos of overturned furniture. He decided to ignore it, stepping over his coat rack. Slamming the door harder than he meant to he stalked over to his desk and grabbed his cigarettes. “Well?” he demanded as he jerked the window open.
“The rebels are worried. Perhaps you’ve heard Princess Ihyana couldn’t be found in her rooms last night?”
Inhaling smoke, he cocked his head, squinting as if in thought as he exhaled slowly. “And which princess is that? The one stolen from the desert tribes married to the fifth one or the child bride? There are so many useless waifs wandering the palace these days. Remember when a worthwhile prince would do something with his life?” He leaned against the wall.
Sefu helped himself to the brandy, his dark broad face showing exhaustion as he watched Obi carefully. He splashed more into his glass at his friend’s raised brow. “The child bride.” He gulped half of his glass down. “You used to know the court as well as your own household.”
Staring at him with a vaguely insulted air, Obi lowered his cigarette and tapped it against the window sill. Tap… Tap… Tap… “I’m sorry, Sefu,” he said to the ground outside, “It’s not like I have anything else happening in my life right now to make me forgetful of a few meaningless royals. What does this girl have to do with your friends anyway?”
Crossing his arms, Sefu stiffened at his tone, recognizing it all too well. Obi wasn’t in a kind mood this morning. “Your home was visited by guardsmen yesterday.”
Obi looked around his study. Drawers were overturned. He stood in a pool of torn curtains. Papers rustled in the hot wind coming through the window. Books were sprawled, white faces ground into the floor. It was a miracle his decanter had survived the ravaging because his desk chair certainly hadn’t, cushions ripped open and bleeding stuffing. He physically hurt at the disregard for his privacy, and Sefu had the nerve to be flippant about it. Fury that was more than slight chafing at the changing dynamics of a relationship he cherished, that was more than overwhelmed frustration at situations he had to control but couldn’t welled within him from a source he hadn’t been aware of. It was a deep dark pool who’s depths had not been plumbed, and it had been building up unnoticed.
He widened his eyes in mock surprise, garishly miming the emotion in a way that he was not prone to. “Really?” he cried loudly, enough to make Sefu flinch. “You know, I thought there were a lot of people around yesterday. There was a lot of noise to, and…” He tapped his temple with his forefinger. “Oh yeah! Someone already accused me of kidnapping a princess.” He glared at his friend, knowing as the words spewed from his mouth that Sefu had done nothing, but Obi was so angry and tired and had sacrificed so much. “Does it make sense for me to draw any more attention to my family? Rufolu already wants to ruin us. He’s already killed Lekan. I don’t know this Ihyana. I’m not going to risk myself or what remains of my family for her.”
There was a beat of quiet as Sefu studied his drink before throwing it back. “Well…” he said, waiting for long breaths before continuing, “That’s what I told the council.” He looked up at him, a hard glint that made him a man Obi didn’t quite know in his eyes. “I’m glad you got to get all that out though.” He put his glass down with a soft clink. “They’re just concerned. If you give Rufolu a reason to arrest you, you know enough to ruin everything we’ve planned.”
Obi wanted to apologize but not to the stranger in front of him now. “Just enough?” he asked instead, “Not everything?”
Shrugging, Sefu lounged against the cabinet. “You’ve had a lot on your plate recently, as you so gently pointed out. We’ve all thought that you don’t need to know all the small things going on.”
Obi’s scalp started to tingle. An ambush was up ahead. He didn’t like being kept in the dark.
Sefu nodded. “And now with Rufolu’s added interest in you, we’ve decided we need to distance ourselves. You know, you didn’t really want to be a part of us anyways.” He flicked at his coat as if getting rid of dust. “I’m sorry about all of this.” He didn’t sound sorry. Looking up, he smiled at Obi’s . “I’ll see my own way out.” He moved toward the door.
“Sefu!” Obi finally choked out. He watched his friend. “I didn’t want to be a part of this anyway,” he echoed in confusion.
“That’s why we’re hoping that you won’t be too upset. We want to remind you that we’re fighting the man who is unlawfully sending your nephew to enemy territory.”
Blinking, Obi shook his head. “My nephew? You know him. Lekan. His name his Lekan.”
“So you won’t betray us. I will also remind you that we do have ways of keeping tabs on you just as Rufolu does. We’ll know if you tell him.”
“Oh goddess,” he breathed, “Was this what was planned all along? ‘Eshe’s a wild card. Never know where he’s going to turn, might as well take him out of the deck now’? Everyone’s watching me now. Let’s play the waiting game. First to catch Eshe trip up gets to kill him.” Broken laughter slipped from his lips, and he dragged a hand over his head before looking at Sefu. “Why did you bring me in the first place?”
The old Sefu was almost back. He still didn’t look cheerful like he should. His face was tight with nervousness, but that was understandable. “I swear I didn’t know what they were doing at first. They realized that Rufolu would find out about the group eventually. They needed someone to be the mole. You’re in the spotlight all the time. You’ve been speaking out against him. You were the first choice. Set you up to be perfect spy material for him. We even planted someone to suggest you as an option to him. Feed you false information.”
How could he have been so utterly stupid?
Sefu wrung his hands. “I didn’t know! Then Ihyana goes missing. Someone said they’d seen you talking with her outside of the palace. They thought you were making setting up to make a power play of some kind. They had to get rid of you. What better way to get rid of someone than to make you useless as a spy? Useless spies wind up dead.”
The cigarette between Obi’s fingers was almost gone now. He hadn’t taken a drag in a while. A large portion of it was ash. One little flick would send it all crumbling away. “What didn’t you know? When you first brought be there, when you dragged me back after I tried to leave, what didn’t you know, Sefu?”
He glanced up then tapped the cigarette against the window sill, watching it disintegrate as Sefu’s silence stretched on. “Leave.”
Sefu left, the door clicking shut behind him.
Obi could feel the target being painted on his back. He pulled the bell string, then did so again roughly before cursing and kicking one of the thick ledgers through the air. Somehow during last night’s search, the bell pull had been broken. He opened the door and bellowed, so he would be heard throughout the house, “Mr. Fughi!”
He paced back inside the room, feeling his stomach clench dangerously. Taking the decanter of brandy, he considered pouring himself a stiff drink but wound up hurling it across the room, quickly followed by the glass Sefu had been drinking out of.
Mr. Fughi didn’t even make a face at the stench of alcohol now permeating the room when he came in. “You called, Mr. Eshe.”
Obi was staring out the window again. It was closed now even though a terrible still heat was setting in, intensifying the smell already. The outside couldn’t be trusted. “I need to talk to Rufolu, but we’re being watched. Find a way for me to get to him without b
End of chapter
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Heya Megsug!
Happy review day!
Ooh, I liked this chapter. It complicates matters about the rebellion a whole lot more. I think Obi has a whole lot on his plate now and just one more thing to worry about. I'm actually started to feel quite sorry for him, and I wonder how all of this is going to play out. He's going through so much, and Lekan doesn't even know a part of it. Even his friends and supposed companions are turning away from him. You don't know how much this chapter is playing at my feels! I have to read more because I want to know how he is going to cope with it all.
Digging his toe? Or his shoe? Is he barefoot, because only then would his toe make sense...
Again, in this case I felt like the friendship was very much lacking, especially when it came to the beginning of the chapter (before all the trouble comes in which would wreck any friendship because it is about business instead) And I would've liked to see the friendship shine through a little bit. I also think it would've been good if you played around with the friendship a bit here as well. Sefu seems to be here to warn Obi about it the dangers of him being outside and all, which could be a little bit because of him being his friend. He could've said nothing about the dangers that he is in instead, so maybe you should hint at there being something about the friendship going on here? Or maybe not. I just felt like it might be a clever twist to add into there?
Another thing is that Obi calls Sefu a stranger before he becomes a stranger by the words he says. When he calls him it, Sefu hasn't said anything much, but Obi has been the one who has been raging at him. It's only later that Sefu says things that makes him seem unknown. So maybe move that sentence, because I do find it to be meaningful, but I just felt like it was wrongly placed.
*too
After reading on I realized you meant throwing it back as in drinking it in one gulp. But I got the impression that he had thrown his drink back at Obi because he was angry. So maybe clarify a bit more or reword it?
Otherwise, a great twist on the plot and a brilliant chapter. The drama has increased, as well as the suspense. I wonder what he is going to discuss and decide when he goes ahead and meets the king.
Deanie x
Hello, megsug! As you've probably guessed, I'm here as a result of the second incarnation of the great YWS Cup to rescue this chapter for the clutches of the Green Room!
I vaguely remember reviewing a few earlier parts, but I have no idea which parts they were. >.>
Anyways, first things first (or last things first, in this case):
I think you're missing the tail end of this chapter. If you're not, you need to have an m-dash (—) at the end of this to make it clear to us readers that Obi is getting cut off rather than there being a missing chunk of chapter.
There were a few errors scattered throughout this, such as missing commas, extra words, and homophone confusion, but I'm sure you can find those with a careful read through of your own.
That aside, the comment about already killing Lekan doesn't make sense, especially since Obi talks about Lekan as if he's alive later on in the chapter. If Lekan is doomed, then saying as much would make more sense, or even saying "he's all-but killed Lekan" to make it clear that Lekan is still alive, but probably won't be if events continue on their course.
The other issue I had with this was the explanation of why Obi was getting cut off. It didn't really make sense, and I'm not sure if that's because I'm missing the context, or if it's because it's explained poorly. I'm leaning towards the latter because of this part:
So, was Obi actually a spy being fed false information, or was Obi set up to look like the spy so that the real spy would go unnoticed?
And then there was this part:
How was Obi rendered useless? I don't see any indication of how this happened in this chapter, which struck me as a bit strange because other details were explained.
If you could straighten out this confusion, it would make things easier to follow, and considering how heavily politics feature in this, making them easier to follow would be a good idea. Politics are confusing enough as it is. XD
Hi there!
When I think of someone crying out, I think of it as something of desperation, where they're trying anything and everything to get someone to believe them. However, Obi is very far beyond that. He's downright pissed and annoyed. It just doesn't seem like the right verb here. Just something to consider.
You're missing something here at the end of the chapter
I think that this is your best chapter yet. Your writing is perfect, the tension you built is amazing and it really shows Obi's frustration with everything going on. One thing that I thought was exceptional about this chapter is where Sefu goes out of character. You described it so well! Obi says he doesn't recognize him at all which changes the entire conversation. It set of a chain reaction that gave the chapter that extra something. Characters are really important in your story -- more so than the plot I mean -- so it's nice to see.
You've been doing a great job showing us your characters's emotions and giving us reasoning for everything they do. However, this part seemed a bit out of the blue. It was apparent that Obi was upset about the guards coming into his home, but there wasn't much about it after they left, so I was surprised to hear about this pain. I know that he also had to deal with Conya and the princess along with other things so there wasn't much time to mention it. However it would be nice to see his reaction to it sometime before now. It seems like too much has passed since the invasion for it to be effective.
There seems to be a lot of foreshadowing of bad news here and at the end of the first part of this chapter too. I think it's a bit overdone to be honest. One mention would work well enough. However, you have Obi realize why Sefu's there at the end of the first part, then he mentions it again when they're going up to the study, then Sefu mentions it. And this all happens in the span of about four paragraphs. It's a bit redundant. We know that Sefu has bad news and it only took us one chance to understand that. The more it's mentioned the more we've turned off by it.
I guess Obi is really good with keeping secrets, huh? He knows why the princess went missing, but he doesn't give anything away. He doesn't even worry about his friend figuring him out. Is he just really good at keeping secrets or is he just really overconfident? I was a bit surprised to see him not even think about the princess while Sefu was talking about her. All he was focused on was getting kicked to the curb. I guess I was expecting him to be a bit paranoid. But then again, I don't think I can see Obi being paranoid. I don't know. Basically what I mean, after I successfully rambled, is that he doesn't seem concerned about her at all here. It's like he's just throwing her name around. We know that he knows where the princess is and that he's being careful because he'll get arrested if it's found out he has her.
Overall, like I said, a great chapter. I feel like things are really starting to heat up. To be honest, I had forgotten about the rebels >< Only because you have so much else going on as well. It's such an intense and full story and there's so much to focus on. I love that. And now we got to see how Obi responds under pressure. May I say, it's quite entertaining. It's like he's throwing his own little temper tantrum xD It was very well written and I really enjoyed reading it. It was cool to see yet another side of Obi. I feel like we've seen this side of him already, but not to this extent. Dang, even in chapter 27 you're giving us something different and amazing. Awesome.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**