18+ Language

The Veil - Chapter 13

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

Clearing her throat delicately, Qui stared at her cards, running a finger over the backs as if she could feel the vines decorating the back of the card. She had been quiet after her story, letting Lekan infer as much emotional turmoil behind her veil as he wished. As he was surely mulling on the story she’d told, she fixated on exactly who Obi was. She was starting to think that she had assumed too many things about his character. The fact that he had given Lekan advice as to how to identify personality traits through cards made her suspicious.

To be honest, the cards themselves made her tense with a feeling that made her think of what a bilby must experience the moment before they were caught in a snare. In her home country in the far east, wisteria was a powerful symbol. It could be that Obi had gotten the cards without knowing what they meant, but she didn’t know how he could have gotten them without knowing. Her intuition whispered that he was hiding something.

“I think,” Lekan murmured, effectively breaking the silence, “that I’m going to leave you after this hand. It’s still too early for most of my friends to be about, but I think I could hook up with a few for some breakfast maybe. I-” He coughed awkwardly, heaving a sigh that wrenched Qui’s heart despite herself. “I don’t have much more time to be with them… You know?”

Suppressing a smile, she nodded, knowing that as soon as she had taken sex off the table, Lekan had become uninterested. She wasn’t that disappointed. Lekan was disastrous at cards. While she wasn’t surprised- he was too impatient to play a good game of cards- she was concerned. Cards were often a large part of upper class society. While Nidites weren’t so interested in cards, especially the youth, card games were wildly popular in Valod. It was just another thing she would need to figure out how to make him practice. Maybe Obi would do it for her.

The thought made her grit her teeth. What if the fool taught Lekan something wrong?

“Darling, I don’t blame you. You need to have time to… say goodbye.” It was a cruel statement, but she had some trouble understanding him most of the time. She couldn’t tell if he was affected or not. Sometimes, like just a few moments ago, she swore he was terrified, but other times it seemed to be the farthest thing from his mind. It miffed her that such a young man could confuse her like he did. She wanted to make sure that he was reminded of the seriousness of the situation.

Collecting the cards they had thrown onto table, she straightened the deck and decided not to point out that she had trounced him. She wouldn’t degrade him yet.

Smiling coyly, she leaned into him a little, letting her breath make the veil billow out to brush against his shoulder. “Do you think I could borrow these cards? I’ll return them tomorrow. I’m sure they’re important to you.” She ignored the wish to smile as his eyes danced from the hint of clevage her dress allowed and her face.

“Important?” he asked softly, sounding lost.

She gave him a husky laugh. “They’re your uncle’s, right?”

Blinking, he slid forward a little closer, his face a little sly. “Yeah. He acted like they were a big deal. He got them when he was in the war.” His face was almost comically depressed when she stood.

“Let me walk you to the door, Dear.” She held out her hand, watching with amusement as he let out a slow breath, obviously battling with the desire she’d whipped into a frenzy. Rising on her tiptoes so her mouth was by his ear, she whispered, “To get the women, you need to find a balance between letting her know you want her and knowing when to hide it.” She patted his shoulder. “I hope you’ll get the hang of it soon enough.”

He looked at her as she led him to the door, irritation raw on his face. “What do you want from me?” he demanded.

Frowning nervously, she shook her head. “I just think you can be polished, and I only serve the best.”

“You don’t serve me,” he pointed out. “I never paid you. You’re…” He scoffed. “Doing charity work.”

They were at the door now, but she faced him. “Could you afford me, Lekan?” she demanded, her arms folded.

For a man who had been fairly carefree, Lekan was very serious, almost angry. “Of course I couldn’t, not without letting Obi know something was up,” he snapped. “Why are you giving me the secrets of the trade?” He peered at the shadow of her face behind the veil, eyes hard. “Are you even planning to fuck me before I go to forsaken Volad? You may be the last decent woman I see that I don’t have to worry about stabbing me in the back.” His eyes widened a little as his nostrils flared in an expression of panic over in a moment. “Unless you are. Gods, were you employed by the queen? Isn’t their sentence enough?” Now his words were hurried and loud, unhinged. “They have to send someone to stalk me too?”

“You appeared at my door this morning,” Qui argued, a little threatened. However, this Lekan intrigued her more than anything else. He seemed to be acutely aware of the danger hanging over his head and to be bitter about it. It seemed much more natural than the jokester she had gotten to know.

“You tricked me. I bet you’ve been playing me this entire time.”

She was, but not for the reasons he thought. “Darling, that’s my job,” she cooed, resting her hand on his shoulder. “And I’m not in the queen’s employ.” She pressed her lips against his arm softly. “I… heard your story and was touched,” she lied softly. “You must agree that you’re ill prepared for this.” She took his silence in her stride, deciding it was agreement. “All I was trying to do was let you practice a little before you had to go spy on those barbarians.”

His clenched jaw relaxed slowly. “Why not just say that?” he sighed, turning away from her and running his hands through his hair.

A soft smile hidden by the veil, she laughed, not the seductive laugh she used to boil a man’s blood but a light genuine one. “You don’t have the reputation of being very obedient.”

He chuckled, sounding tired. “Very true.” Facing her again, he asked slowly, “Will I see you again?”

Qui shrugged. “Do you want to see me again?”

There was a long pause where Qui’s heart seemed to be frozen. If he didn’t say yes, she’d lose a lot of money.

“Yes.” His smile was self-deprecating. “I do need help.”

Gathering the lower part of her veil in one hand, she kissed him, the relief all too real. “You do, and I’m the one to give it to you. We’ll do just fine.” She opened the door, finding his surprised expression endearing as he stared at her for a beat too long before swaggering out the door.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Pretzelstick
Review

Howdy! Pretzelsing here for a review

Woah,the cover is finally blown and Lekan knows all of Qui's plans for why she is meeting with him. That was pretty unexpected in my opinion and don't you think that it would have been better to keep this under cover, so that everything is a little bit less suspicious?
Unless this is to further the plot, then I understand . . .

Qui is so intiutive and I guess suspicious about Obi hiding something. But honestly,I have to say that I, as a reader have been suspecting that Obi was hiding something from Chapter 1. So I applaud you,sugar.Because if I feel this way then that means that you did your job and evoked immediate suspicion in me.

he had given Lekan advice as to how to identify personality traits


The flow here isn't quite right, and you would see that if you could read it out loud. Anyways, I would strikeout the two words "as to" (which generally aren't even seen next to each-other.
This is the only nitpick that I could find,and it is generally hard to nitpick your beautifully written writing.

Anyways,more on the general. You never mentioned that Lekan had friends before, in this whole novel I think. (or did I miss something?). I honestly always imagined him as this loner who lived with his uncle and his mother his whole life, and what kind of sheltered(maybe that's why he is so dumb?). I don't know,but I certainly didn't expect him to have lots of friends, enough for a decent size of a breakfast group. What kind of people are his friends like? I am pretty curious, and I hope that you mention/develop that in the next chapter.

I honestly would prefer this chapter in Lekan's POV,because I would like to know the thoughts that go through his head when Qui tells him that she is "training" him how to be a spy. Or how he was mulling over her veil explanation. Perhaps even what he thinks about his friends.I feel like the focus on this particular chapter is on Lekan,and so we should be able to get into his head and see his emotional thoughts. But,again,that's just my personal opinion so you can give or take.

That's honestly all that I have to say about this chapter, and I will get to the next one soon.Sorry that it took me so long to actually review this one, I just checked up on it in my excel list.

~Peace out~

/Pretzelsing/

User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sat Sep 13, 2014 2:10 pm

Hi there!

It's about time I catch up on my reviews, yes? Yes. I blame life

running a finger over the backs as if she could feel the vines decorating the back of the card.

You use the word 'back' twice here very close together. That can become a bit annoying for the readers. Why not find another way to say that the vines decorated the back? Maybe something like: "as if she could feel the vines painted there".

One thing I haven't mentioned yet in my reviews is your use of dramatic irony. I am a lover of dramatic irony myself so I can appreciate this. We, the readers, and you, really, know that Qui is training Lekan to become a spy. Obi asked her to do that. However, Lekan has no idea. And I think that's the brilliance of it all. He's just wandering around, going about his life, thinking that this prostitute has an interest in him. All the while, we're sitting back here yelling at him "She's just stringing you along! Stop being such an idiot! Obi is behind it all!"

Dramatic irony works so well because we as readers feel like we've been let slip a secret. Like we're not supposed to know about Obi's deal with Qui and how she agreed to work with Lekan. The story would've been sooooo different if we didn't know these things. Imagine being strung along with Lekan and then realizing that this was all just a ploy. How annoyed we'd be! xD So the use of dramatic irony is needed here and you've done a great job with it.

I really like how we're learning about Lekan through Qui. At the beginning, I was sure that Lekan would end up being the main focus of the novel and that we'd be following him everywhere. While that's sort of true now, it's obvious that Obi and Qui are the main focus. So in order for us to learn about Lekan and for you to develop him as a character, we need to see him through someone else's eyes. And I think Qui is the perfect one for this. She's not related to him in any way, nor is she his friend. They've just met recently and she's seeing him for the first time in all of these situations just like we are. It's as if we're there with her, taking all of this in, observing his actions. Very clever.

she kissed him

How exactly did she kiss him? Usually this isn't a big deal, but in Qui's case and for the sake of the plot, it is. Was this an on the lips kiss or an on the cheek kiss? It's important for us to know that to understand what Qui is trying to do and if she's really into Lekan or not. And if she wants him to fall for her. It's all so complicated xD

Overall, another great chapter here. I don't have any nitpicks other than what I pointed out. The novel is moving along very well. It was very interesting to see Qui in sort of a different light here. I can't really explain what "different light" that is, but she just seems that we've seen a different side of her in the past few chapters. It's always nice to get that.

One last thing. Now that Lekan knows Qui's true intentions, about training him to spy, the dramatic irony is a bit lost. However, it's still there hanging by a thread because Lekan doesn't know that Obi is behind all of this. I suppose he'll be pretty mad when he finds out that Obi is behind it all.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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babymagic18
Review

So I thought your story was fairly well written. I immediatly questioned where the main character was. She's playing a card game but I have no image of the where. In this type of situation you could make a really great picture of this card game. Where does the story take place. From what I gather it's a time when women wore long dresses going by the hint of the veil. What was the card game she was playing. There's a great majority of them and zeroing in on one is beneficial. Is she skilled at this game? Does she enjoy this game? Who are the others participating in the game? The reader does not have a sense of the atmosphere. Is it tense is it loose? The reader doesn't have this and if your main character is a manipulator than it could be of great import. Does she have enemies she is concerned about? That could add suspense to the story because otherwise it was good but could use a bit of a push in it. You wrote that the cards were a thing for upper class society. Why is that of importance? Reading stories like yours they're more important for the lower society. In the cases of gamblers who are down on their luck or notorius men. The such. I didn't get a feel for why? The way you describe her whispering in the man's ear. How is she appealing to him? It can't solely be her ample chest is that's what the reader is supposed to imagine. What does her posture convey? There were no other character descriptions either, that hurts a story such as your as well.

User avatar
Moalex
Review
Moalex wrote a review · Tue Aug 19, 2014 7:18 am

Hello! Moalex here to review your work. I must admit, I am very intrigued by your writing. I did not read the other 12 chapters you wrote, but this one chapter has already piqued my interest.

First thing I'd like to say is that I don't see any grammar errors or anything that needs changing. I might have just read through it and ignored a bunch of things but I feel there's no need for change.

I'm sorry for not reading the other twelve chapters, I have no idea what Veil is stands for other than its original definition. However, I can only say that I really enjoyed reading this chapter and I think your writing is great. I think the green room is a great place for you so that you can help others write great stories like yours.

That's all from me and keep the great work up.

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Deanie
Comment

Hi Meg!

I have to apologise - but I really can't leave a review for this chapter. What would I change? Absolutely nothing! If I didn't remind myself that I was on YWS I would've thought I was just reading a really good published novel ^.^ Best chapter yet, for sure. I'm loving how much more we're getting to see of Lekan, and how Qui is dealing with him.

I'm just going to keep reading...

Deanie x



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