12+ Language

The Veil - Chapter 17

Obi smiled as Lekan cursed, leaning against the wall as he watched his nephew pace angrily. “You’ll get it.” He’d been attempting to teach Lekan a fencing technique for the past half hour, and he was impressed with how seriously the boy was taking it.

Glaring at him, Lekan scrubbed his hand through his hair. “It’s not like I have that much time, you know. I mean-” He stopped himself at the sound of the door scraping open and voices ringing off the walls.

“My good man, you need to stop this ridiculousness. I have known Obi for most of his life and have visited the Eshe shrine often enough.”

Grinning, Obi looked up the stairs at Sefu’s voice and laughed outright at his butler’s dry voice.

“Regrettably, I remember you very well, my lord, and I know that Mr. Eshe always accompanied you when you were down here.”

“I’m trying to be in his company right now!” A clatter of steps could be heard as Sefu hurried down the stairs. “Oy, Obi. You make it hard for anyone to come visit you.” Sefu beamed as he stepped onto the floor, nodding at Lekan who was staring at him like he was insane.

“Mr. Fughi and I have an understanding. Because of him, I’m assured that my company is only the best.” Waving his fuming butler away, he put his foil away, looking at Lekan. “You can practice by yourself. I would suggest you do so. Sefu and I have things to discuss.” He watched Lekan as the boy fidgeted and wasn’t sure what to do. He wanted to reassure him and wipe those fearful shadows in his eyes away, but Obi didn’t know what was too much. What would push the boy into apathy again? “I expect you’ll have improved by tomorrow.” He ignored the sharp glare that Lekan shot him and hurried up the stairs with Sefu.

Humming, Sefu led the way to Obi’s office which should have set Obi on edge, but he shook his head instead. Something about Lekan and how he had finally admitted that he needed to be helped before he left made Obi more relaxed than he had been in a long time. He kicked the door shut behind him and raised his eyebrows at Sefu. “Perhaps you’re just here for a regular conversation like the old days?”

Laughing, Sefu blinked when he realized his friend was serious. “I’m afraid not. Maybe in a few months.”

“If you’re referring to the rebellion, expect a larger time frame than that.” He leaned against his desk and glanced down to see a note with a woman’s unmistakable handwriting. Folding it, he slid it under another stack of papers and returned his attention to Sefu who seemed too worked up to notice the distraction. “I’d be surprised if any fighting happened at that point. Remember, we still don’t have enough men to do anything.” He rubbed his face, still calm but a little more serious now and pushed himself up to the window to make sure it was closed and no one was sulking near it.

“We’re having a meeting next Thursday. Supposedly one of the men has found several more people to get involved.” Sefu wrung his hands. “You still don’t think this is a good idea?”

Shrugging, Obi studied his nails. “I don’t approve of the philosophy of the men who will be taking charge when and if we manage to overthrow Rofulo. Nothing will change except their own prosperity, and I never have high hopes for a rebellion that doesn’t have a large following, and thirty noblemen isn’t truly that many, Sefu, as much as we like to believe we are most important.” He sighed, feeling a weight come upon him again as he was reminded of other problems. “Not to mention…” He rubbed a hand down his face. “Rofulo summoned me today.” It didn’t truly feel like it had just been this morning. It felt like it had been two weeks since then. He grimaced. Not that he wanted the days to go by any faster than they were. “He threatened Conya, and he has assigned me as a spy.” He smiled blandly at Sefu’s shocked face. “While I don’t intend on helping him anymore than I have to, Conya is my responsibility as my brother’s widow.” He shook his head at Sefu’s dubious look, knowing his friend was dying to bring up the affection that Obi was having trouble denying at this point. “I will protect the rebellion as much as I can, but my family comes first.”

Sefu nodded sympathetically. “Of course, Obi. Anyone could understand that. If the bastard threatened my family, I would give everything away.” He cleared his throat several times as he moved his mouth, obviously trying to formulate exactly what he was going to say. “I think this situation can be made for the best however and-” He broke off at a knock at the door and crossly moved to the door, muttering to himself, “Can’t ever have a moment of uninterrupted peace…”

Shaking his head, Obi thought of the lesson he’d be in the midst of with Lekan as Mr. Fughi stood stiffly at the door.

“Mr. Eshe, my lord, sorry to interrupt.” He nodded to both of them. “Someone gave me something to give to you,” he told Obi and held out a formal coat. “It seems to be yours. Perhaps you forgot it somewhere?”

Obi crossed the floor quickly, his movements sharp as he took it from Mr. Fughi. He checked the pockets hurriedly just in case, ignoring Sefu and Mr. Fughi. He found a slip of paper and there were two sentences scrawled across it: Something happened. Need help now.

He closed his eyes. Oh damn.

Comments & reviews · 3
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Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Tue Dec 02, 2014 1:56 am

Hi there!

Obi smiled as Lekan cursed, leaning against the wall as he watched his nephew pace angrily.

This sentence seems a big jumbled to me. I understand what you're trying to say: Obi leaned against the while, smiling while he watched Lekan curse and pace angrily. But you wrote it in such a way that it seems like Lekan was the one leaning against the wall.

Shrugging, Obi studied his nails. “I don’t approve of the philosophy of the men who will be taking charge when and if we manage to overthrow Rofulo. Nothing will change except their own prosperity, and I never have high hopes for a rebellion that doesn’t have a large following, and thirty noblemen isn’t truly that many, Sefu, as much as we like to believe we are most important.” He sighed, feeling a weight come upon him again as he was reminded of other problems. “Not to mention…” He rubbed a hand down his face. “Rofulo summoned me today.” It didn’t truly feel like it had just been this morning. It felt like it had been two weeks since then. He grimaced. Not that he wanted the days to go by any faster than they were. “He threatened Conya, and he has assigned me as a spy.” He smiled blandly at Sefu’s shocked face. “While I don’t intend on helping him anymore than I have to, Conya is my responsibility as my brother’s widow.” He shook his head at Sefu’s dubious look, knowing his friend was dying to bring up the affection that Obi was having trouble denying at this point. “I will protect the rebellion as much as I can, but my family comes first.”

Sorry for pulling out such a big chunk. This is a rather long paragraph, and there is a lot of dialogue. Granted, it's all Obi's dialogue, but it's still overwhelming. Think about breaking it up, creating new paragraphs to continue Obi's dialogue through. And be careful with these kind of paragraphs in the future. I know how easy it is to get carried away and just write. The shorter paragraphs are easier to read and are, stylistically speaking, better.

I feel bad because I really don't have anything else to say in this review. In fact, without my tiny nitpicks, it really isn't a review at all. Your writing is just so great and you tell this story very well. Sure you have some tiny mistakes, but I know that's only because of how fast you've been writing these chapters. You know where you've slipped up and you can go back and fix it. I'm not going to knock you for that. There's really no point to it.

I wonder where you're going to take this. I feel like I should know what the coat means and what the note says, but I have no idea. That definitely wants me to read on and figure it out.

Oooooh, so the rebellion has come up again. Very interesting. It's been quite a while since it's been mentioned I do believe, and I almost forgot all about it. But you've jogged that part of my memory and I'm left wondering if this rebellion can actually happen. It's yet another thing that adds to the dynamics of this story. Not only do we have Lekan to worry about and Qui and Obi, but we have the rebellion as well. I wonder if Obi can juggle all that's going on in his life and get everything done that he wants to.

Well, looks like I had more to say than I thought xD I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

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Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Oct 12, 2014 7:40 am

Hi Megsug!

Wow, this was a brilliant chapter. I am literally left with no nitpicks whatsoever and barely anything to comment on. This is going to be a short review, but I am going to try my best and make it worthwhile. Because honestly, this was just perfect. One of the best chapters yet.

Yay for Sefu showing up! I was hinting at how it was time we got back to some of the other storylines, and here you brought it through by mentioning the King and the rebellion again. It seems like they were getting along with things until that mystery note came. I wonder who needs help (could it possible be Qui?) and what trouble they could be in. What a cliffhanger to end the chapter on... Oh, and Lekan seems to be getting more and more agitated by his situation. When we see things from his point of view again, I am sure we will be getting a flood of emotion.

One character I think isn't supposed to be that important and is constantly being shooed away is the poor butler xD First off Qui arrives and that leaves him quite flustered. And of course, the Butler isn't supposed to breathe a word of the visit to anyone, including Conya. And then comes Sefu barging into places he isn't supposed to be, and then there were all Lekan's friends the poor guy had to attend to. I am sure he is quite puzzled by the latest happenings in the house and keeping it all to himself. I think it would be awesome if you had a little chapter in here where he stole the limelight, maybe a little discussion between him and Obi where they comment on how things have been strange, but Obi is also discretely hinting at him keeping certain things quiet. You could even add a little bit of humor into it to make a light chapter amongst all this heavy stuff.

I really have nothing more to say. You've made this chapter as perfect as possible, and I loved it. Keeping up this quality will soon leave you with no reviews whatsoever because there will be nothing anyone can say! ;)

Let me know when you post more~

Image

Deanie x

butler

I need to catch up with these chapters.

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Dracula
Review
Dracula wrote a review · Tue Oct 07, 2014 5:45 am

Hello! I've come to review, but there isn't much to say! I only have one nitpick...
I'm not going to copy and paste the whole thing, but that very large paragraph is very large. Not that you can necessarily change it, as most of it is speech. But I feel that within all that talking, Sefu would have said something. Even if he tried to say something but was just interrupted.
That's all I can find. The rest is well written and I could follow the story easily. Sorry that this review is so short, I just don't know what to say.



i exist in a constant state of confusion so its ok
— veeren