Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » General

The Veil - Chapter 27

by megsug

The Eshe house was quiet for most of the morning, recovering from the chaos that had taken place. It was just a matter of time before the town was buzzing about the guardsmen inviting themselves in and ransacking the house.

Obi stared up at the ceiling, refusing to admit that he was awake even though he had been studying his rooms for hours. The amount of sleep he had gotten was dismal and disappointing. He had hoped for a long respite from all of the problems screaming for attention. He was starting to think that he needed to get the ceiling painted because the vast white was becoming a weight on his chest.

Lekan and Ihyana danced through his mind, arm in arm as the revolution wreaked havoc. Partner that witch’s brew with less than optimal sleep, and he got strange plans that braided all three issues together into unlikely scenarios. In one of them, Lekan and Ihyana eloped and ran away to the far east, and came back to claim the throne.

Sighing heavily, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think of anything. He just needed to get up, make sure Lekan was with Qui’in or teach the boy something himself, go send a message to Sefu, go find a way to transfer Ihyana to a more living scenario without anyone seeing her, go make small talk with Conya.

He clung to the last option, imagining her small smile, that quiet laugh. He curled tight around the solid feeling she gave him, gathered the strength to get up so he could face another exhausting day. So he could smile at Conya.

Just as he was about to swing his feet to the floor, the door opened quietly. He could hear Sefu from somewhere else in the house.

“Tell him that old men don’t need to be out at night. The cold isn’t good for our joints.”

He closed his eyes, suddenly drained again. “What does he want?” he mumbled. “It better be a national emergency.”

“Well, you know Sefu. He may just want to catch up on whatever he missed. Regardless, he wouldn’t tell me about his business here.” Conya’s voice was silky as he sat up quickly, running a hand through his hair as he frowned at her. “I do think it’s time for you to get up though. You’ve slept through the cool part of the morning.”

Getting up hurriedly, he cleared his throat. “Are you going to make a habit of waking me up when an unexpected guest is at our door?”

Conya smiled. “I don’t know. Would you like me to?”

He was in the midst of pulling a suit on in his closet when he paused to look out at her, an eyebrow raised. He laughed when she raised an eyebrow in return, looking more than a little cheeky. “I guess I would. Your face is prettier than my valet’s.”

She leaned into the closet a little. “What a compliment.”

He glanced up in surprise as he put on his socks. “A good night’s sleep did you some good.”

Nodding, she watched him, seemingly curious. “Sefu isn’t that picky about what you wear. Why don’t you go for comfort instead of formality?”

Staring at her as if she was insane, he shook his head. “How can anyone respect someone who goes to greet them in their sleep clothes?”

She frowned. “Sefu’s your friend.”

Obi shrugged. “Who respects me.” He tied his shoes. “What does it matter how I dress?” Standing, he brushed his jacket to straighten it and looked at her from between clothes. She was wearing something red. It seemed powerful.

“Do you relax around anyone?” she asked, surprisingly blunt.

He left the closet, brushing past her easily, thinking. “Um…” Studying her, he tried to see what answer she wanted from him.

Laughing softly, she waved the question away. Her enigmatic smile kept him from knowing what she was thinking or if he had upset her. “Moving onto more important matters, you overslept breakfast, and you promised.” She leaned forward, and he seemed to forget to take a step away. She turned to the door and made as if she was going to leave.

“I’ll see you at lunch then?” he asked as he caught up in time to open the door for her.

Sefu was waiting at the door, wriggling his eyebrows. “I need to speak to you.” He glanced at Conya. “Thanks for getting him up for me.”

She took the cue, smiling serenely as Obi shot a glare at him. Patting his arm, she floated away noting before she turned away, “Lunch.”

Holding up his hand, Obi started, “Do not-”

“You two are so slow!” Sefu cried on top of his friend’s words. “Just put us all out of our misery. We know what’s going on.”

Obi looked down his nose at him before heading toward the stairs briskly. “My personal life does not revolve you, and I do not appreciate your lenient use of ‘we’ to make your claims sound more impressive.” On the stairs, he took pity on his friend and glanced at him with a small smile. “You use banter in an attempt to soften blows. Just tell me. Please.” 

Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

Is this a review?



User avatar
1634 Reviews

Points: 67548
Reviews: 1634

Sun Mar 29, 2015 1:29 pm
Deanie wrote a review...

Hey Megsug!

Just got back from church and I am ready to review as much as I can for the next hour and a half. So here we go!

This chapter was pretty good. I didn't really get much from it as a reader, but we do get to understand that Obi is starting to feel the weight of everything that is happening to him, and the fact that he has a lot of things to monitor. Having him list all the things he had to do was also good because it enabled us to refresh and remember all the problems that are going on in the story. So many subplots, and I love them all because they keep me intrigued in the novel. There's never a dull moment. And we got to see more of Conya as well, which always makes me happy. Because I did mention earlier on that we weren't seeing enough of her character at all.

At the end of the chapter I did want to get the feeling of friendship a bit more from him and Sefu, but instead he seemed so demanding and as if he was ordering around his friend. Yes, Sefu does respect him, but in the end we want to see some show of friendship as well. I feel like Obi is the person who doesn't have too many close friends, so the one he does have he would probably take good care of and not try to jeopardise the relationship at all. And in this case I found him to be too harsh. I want things to ease up a bit :/

I am also a bit unsure as to why Sefu being there is a problem to him. He seems annoyed by it, but then he would've sent a message to him anyway in his daily plans he runs through. Instead, whatever he wanted to say he can say personally and get a faster reply. Seems like only a win win situation to me here. Yes, it might take more time but all in all it shouldn't make him annoyed too much?

Ihyana to a more living scenario without anyone

'More living' sounds weird to me. I think replacing more with better instead would be the best.

Going on to read the second part of this chapter. I am curious to know what Sefu calls so urgent.

Deanie x

User avatar
1416 Reviews

Points: 3633
Reviews: 1416

Sun Feb 22, 2015 10:48 pm
View Likes
Noelle wrote a review...

Hi there! Noelle back again.

Obi is so controlling of everything and it's completely obvious here. He wants everything to be perfect and go the way he plans. So it seemed normal for him to lay there staring at the ceiling, listing off all of the things he has to do. He's so preoccupied with Lekan too. It really is like Lekan is his son. And now he wants Lekan to marry the princess. I feel like he might've thought about it before, but I'm not sure. Of course he'd want that though, he only wants the best for his nephew.

Uh oh, that last sentence does not give me a good feeling. Something has to be wrong.

Well, I really don't have anything to say. For real this time. Sometimes I say that and then write three more paragraphs xD This seems like a transition chapter, moving on from the Conya and Obi conversation to Conya and Obi going back to their normal selves. I noticed the change immediately with her almost flirty responses and Obi caring oh so much about just getting to smile at her.

Your writing is great, as always. I'm always impressed by how you seem to introduce a different aspect of this world, of Obi's life, in each chapter. In this one, Conya is wondering why Obi must dress in a suit to see his friend. He's trying to explain to her about respect and basically being in control and she just doesn't get it. Obi has worked to get to the place that he's at now and he isn't going to do anything that might relieve him of his status.

I'm all caught up. Go me! :3 I'm looking forward to the next chapter!

Keep writing!

User avatar
1220 Reviews

Points: 72525
Reviews: 1220

Sun Feb 22, 2015 8:32 pm
View Likes
Kale wrote a review...

Hello again!

My first impression of this chapter was that it was really short. The previous chapter was quite short as well, but this one was much shorter, and the break for this one feels quite abrupt. Having little cliffhangers at the ends of chapters is a solid technique, but this one felt too sudden, and I think a better point to end the chapter would be right after Sefu tells Obi whatever the bad news is, so it doesn't leave your readers hanging too abruptly because Obi would probably pause a moment while the news registered. Matching up pauses in the characters' actions to scene and chapter breaks makes them feel a lot more natural.

He just needed to get up, make sure Lekan was with Qui’in or teach the boy something himself, go send a message to Sefu, go find a way to transfer Ihyana to a more living scenario without anyone seeing her, go make small talk with Conya.

This sentence is very long, and it loses its focus a few times along its way to ending. You're missing an "else" after "Qui'in or", and what is a "more living" scenario?

Sefu cried on top of his friend’s words.

"Over" makes more sense than "on top of", since I'm assuming Sefu is drowning Obi out.

My personal life does not revolve you

I believe you meant "involve" rather than "revolve", unless it actually causes Sefu to spin around.

That aside, I noticed in this and the previous chapter that you use a lot of adverbs. I'd recommend keeping an eye out for how often you use them and seeing if you can find a more active way of rephrasing the sentences and actions with them. For example, instead of saying "Getting up hurriedly", you could describe how Obi got out of bed and give the readers a clearer picture of the room he's in at the same time. Right now, all we know is that the ceiling is white, there's a bed, there's a closet, and there's a door. That's a pretty sparse description, and considering it's his room, certain aspects of the decor could be used to characterize Obi, such as the color of his blankets or the walls.

It's something to consider, at any rate.

User avatar
199 Reviews

Points: 2488
Reviews: 199

Sun Feb 22, 2015 5:25 pm
View Likes
Rin321 wrote a review...

Hello megsug! CHRISSY321 here with a review!

*Happy Review Day!* :D

I loved this chapter! Do not degrade yourself- that was good! You are a great writer! You keep writing the way you do! Now, I only have a fix or two... :

" Sighing heavily, he squeezed his eyes shut and tried not to think of anything. He just needed to get up, make sure Lekan was with Qui’in or teach the boy something himself, go send a message to Sefu, go find a way to transfer Ihyana to a more living scenario without anyone seeing her, go make small talk with Conya. "

In this fourth paragraph, your character has lots to do! Now,on that last thing he needs to do (" go make small talk with Conya. " ) you need to a 'and' before go because it is the last thing he needs to do on a big list of things! If you are doing that, it should always be like this :

"I am doing this, this, this, this, AND this. " (That was just a example for in general)

This is a kind of rule because it sounds better, and helps the character end what they are saying/thinking what they are going to do!

Other than this, I saw nothing wrong! Great job! I think that 'The Veil' will be a success, and that you shall make it big one day! You got this! Thanks for sharing! :D :D ;)

User avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Mon Feb 16, 2015 9:11 am
Emergencyfan22 says...

Awesome very good keep up the good work

I feel like if I was the mafia I’d leave a voicemail.
— Tuckster