Mr. Surly was waiting for Dalki behind the house, a large bag on his shoulder. “You clothes,” he said as he handed the bag to her, “Keep the maid garb on, and no one will question you travelling behind the houses.” He was a shadow in the quickly fading light. She could no longer see the expressions on his face. Holding out the blow darts he had threatened her with at – could it really only be – earlier that day. “A gift. I’ll be sure to spread your name around the right circles.”
She took the bamboo numbly and said nothing but also failed to move until he turned away towards the house. She had hoped to see the princess one last time just to reassure herself that she had made the right decision by helping. They must have already spirited her away somewhere because Mr. Surly closed the back door without making any detours.
Straightening her shoulders, Dalki started walking through the backyards of the rich. She wondered at the lack of attention she was paid. Apparently, if one knew how to dress, an individual of any background could get around in the nice neighborhood.
As the houses got smaller and shabbier, she guarded her bag closer. Eshe had shown her the gold. She had enough to buy a new life for herself and… She had just run across the large intersection that was the unofficial boundary between the noble and the common when a shadow dropped beside her.
She drew back, her mouth opening to scream, her hand gripping the bamboo of the blow darts tightly though she wasn’t familiar enough with the weapon to use it.
A white face got close enough for her to see the pink eyes.
She relaxed and swore angrily, putting the power of her fear in cursing the boy in front of her. “Fels! That was uncalled for.” She started walking again, the albino grinning at her as he fell into step beside her. They moved faster than she had before. They were heading towards a desperate part of town and could waste no time dawdling. “Have you been following me all day?” she whispered, maneuvering her bag until she had dropped Mr. Surly’s gift into it, leaving her hand open to grip the dagger she had hidden within her dress.
Fels nodded. His white skin almost glowing in the newborn moonlight, he seemed a specter beside her.
Even when they had first come together, both captives of a slave caravan, children sold by or maybe stolen from desperate families, he had frightened those around him. He and Dalki had used the ruse of a ghost to con people before.
He stuck out like a sore thumb and seemed to draw attention at just the wrong moment, but he and Dalki were friends, literal partners in crime. She would die before she abandoned him.
The stars burned in the black velvet of night, and Dalki felt lighter than she had in months. She had picked up work with Mr. Condrieve out of desperation, but she had come to realize that it could be more dangerous to stay around all of those leering men than to face the chance of starvation. This was her chance. She could repay the loan she had borrowed from her employer when she thought she wouldn’t be able to make rent and still have money to maybe move up in the world, buy an apprenticeship in a seamstress’ shop or maybe an apprenticeship for Fels instead if they could find a master who wouldn’t call his skin and eyes bad omens.
They slid into the clockwork that was the slums at night with ease, Fels lifting the hood of his black cape to hide more of his odd coloring. Staying to the shadows, they avoided the light of lanterns hung on vendors’ carts as wares were announced. Girls, faces over-powdered in an attempt to be women, swished by, reeking of cheap perfume. Dalki’s stomach always clenched in fear and a guilty relief when she passed girls like that; fear that their present was her future and relief that she hadn’t had to stoop to such lows yet.
Gangs of children zigzagged down the narrow streets, screaming in play as they kept sharp eyes out for a victim naïve enough to trust youth to be innocent. The common people were out and about now, more comfortable in the night because of the relative cool and the dark.
Crowds made Dalki skittish. Fels on the other hand glanced around excitedly. He whispered under his breath the gibberish Dalki had grown to ignore as she had become accustomed. After years of helping each other survive, she still thought the boy very strange.
They turned down alleys, the number of people thinning until they were the only two. The buildings here were derelict, barely fit to live in. Dalki put up with drafts, the molds, the vermin, and the unsavory neighbors for the quiet nights and the (usually) affordable rent. No one worthwhile ventured into this area unless they had to, regardless of night or day.
Hurrying up the questionable stairs to their door, Dalki froze a moment after Fels did when a man came out of the shadows and into the moonlight to block the top of the stairwell.
Dalki went cold. She couldn’t see the man’s face, but he was of short stature, and a glance over her shoulder revealed a large man behind them. She knew who this was…
“I heard you got a little job on the side, sweetheart,” Mr. Condreive hissed, making his way down the stairs until he was two away from her. “Stole a client from me, you did. So much for loyalty, eh?” He licked his lips, wet tongue glinting in the sparse light. “What goodies did he give you in return?”
Beside her, Fels growled. She swore, sometimes, he was more like her attack dog than her human friend. The squealing steps let her know the man behind them was approaching though she didn’t know what she could do about that.
She considered screaming for a moment, but no one in this part of town would come to help. If anything, it would just draw other scum to finish off whatever Mr. Condreive decided to leave behind. She glanced over the wobbly sticks their landlady called a railing. The conniving bastard had let them come up far enough for a jump to be dangerous.
Returning her gaze squarely to Mr. Condreive, she did the last thing she could think of: she lied. “I just walked out. Got tired of cat calls and ugly looks. I don’t know what job you’re talking about.”
“Oh, honey,” he tutted softly. “I was playing this game before you were born.”
She flinched at Fels’ inhuman squeal and watched as he kicked out, his neck in the relentless grip of Mr. Condreive’s man. His toes brushed against the rotting boards as his fingers clawed at the man’s arm. She felt a familiar weakness. It was physical like the muscle she knew was there had snapped. Powerlessness.
“Now, let’s start over, shall we?” Mr. Condreive took another step down so that they were so close she could smell the sickly sweet scent of whatever leaves he smoked. “What did the lord pay you?”
She couldn’t take her eyes off of Fels. He was still fighting, saliva flying, eyes bulging. She could see veins on his forehead. She took the purse out of her bag and hurled it at Mr. Condreive bitterly. “He has nothing to do with any of this,” she snapped and paled when the man didn’t let her friend go. “He gave me nothing else.” She turned her eyes, pleading on Mr. Condreive who was staring greedily into the purse.
“Let me see the bag,” he ordered, holding out a bony hand that was proportionally too large for his size.
She gave in, watched him rifle through the bag, tossing her dress on the floor, then the bamboo stick, and finally the empty bag.
He leaned forward, and she felt desperation claw at her lungs, take from them any capacity to hold air. “Now, tell me who this mysterious employer was.”
Fels choked by her side, barely moving anymore other than a random spirited kick just when she had thought he had given up. She opened her mouth, licked her lips. Ihyana’s big eyes flashed where Mr. Condreive’s greedy ones were, and she heard Eshe’s parting words: I’m making sure the girl is safe. “Mr. Condreive,” she sneered, “I do a job. I don’t ask questions. I called him lord. I did what he told me to do. I took his money.”
The silence between us was palpable. I could feel it in my abdomen, right beneath my ribs. His eyes flickered over my face, and he must have seen truth because he straightened, slipping the purse into his jacket. “And what did you have to do?”
She shrugged. “You were almost right. Guy didn’t want to pay for some slave girls to rape, so he steal a few for him.” The lie came of smooth. Dalki let her eyes drift over his face.
He folded his arms. “I did not realize you were such a master thief.”
“I am what the job needs,” she murmured, “Are we done here?”
Waving at his man, he stepped around Dalki and over Fels who had dropped like he was made of stone. He hesitated and said without looking back. “Don’t come to work tomorrow, darling. I don’t have time to worry about employees double timing me.” He patted the place where she was sure the coin purse now rested. “I’ll consider this payment for your loan. I’m being generous.”
Dalki watched them go, gritting her teeth, until they had crossed the street and melted into the dark. Fels finally clambered up by himself. They stood still and silent for a long time, recognizing each other’s rage and comforting each other in it.
Finally she turned away with a disgusted sigh that was too old and too tired for her age. “Come on, Fels. Let’s get some sleep.”
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Hi there! Noelle here for a Review Day review!
I know that I've praised you on your character in like, every review, but I'm going to do it here too again. I'm sure you don't mind :3 All Dalki is doing is walking past houses and walking through a neighborhood and we learn so much about her. You really take the time to make sure we know so much about these characters. I feel like I've been following Dalki's story this entire time, when really we've only seen her a few times. It's really amazing how you do it.
I'm on the fence with this description. I understand what you mean by it, but it's kind of a strange comparison. The slums wouldn't be exactly the same every night, which is what would make it like clockwork. Maybe if you had said it was like clockwork instead of just clockwork it would be better?
What gibberish is this exactly? I feel like that might need to be explained more.
There's a definite difference here between the privileged life and the life here in the slums and you've shown it well. The way that you describe everything is what brings it to life. It's good that we're seeing this through Dalki's eyes too because she's the one that lives here. She's the one that knows all about it. If we were to see it from, say, Obi's point of view (which I know would never happen xD), we'd get a completely different and biased look at it all. Seeing it from someone who lives the life makes it realistic and makes me appreciate the little world here that is the slums.
I'm not really a fan of ellipses at all. This sentence would work just as well if there was just a period at the end of it. She knows who this person is. It's a statement, not something that will be continued, which is what the ellipses infer.
Dalki is in a tough business, isn't she? I can see now why she wanted to make sure that kidnapping the princess was going to be something done for good. Mr. Condreive does not seem like a nice man. At all. She's probably tired of working for such a terrible guy.
I kind of wish that we had gotten to learn more about Fels. I'm not sure if you're going to keep him as a big character or not, but we don't really know anything about him right now. I've assumed some things based on his actions, but that's it. He and Dalki obviously have a history and a friendship. We don't know more than that though.
Another great chapter here. You've shown us yet another side plot and it's quite interesting. We get to experience life at the farthest end from Obi. Obi's at the top, Dalki's at the bottom. It's a cool comparison and I'm really enjoying it. It's something different, which is nice to see all the way in chapter 23.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg!
I didn't expect for that to occur... And then another thing I have to give you some praise for is the writing style! In the past couple of ones I did think there were far too many little words in there and that it was awkward on the flow when it came to reading it. But this chapter didn't have that problem at all, like your earlier ones, so maybe it is only a few in the middle that need to be edited. This one was good, and I hope the rest of them keep up that quality ^.^

Back again for another chapter!
I should really work harder at catching up with these chaptersSo what I liked the most here would definitely be the descriptions! You took us from the rich side of town to the poorer slums, and you did a good job of showing the change in scenery as it approached and the lines between the rich and poor blurred together. It was easy to picture the kind of place where they lived, and it was nice to see that she wasn't always alone and also had a friend with her. It was kind of saddening to see what happened at the end, especially as she pinned so much hope on this job
When Dalki is leaving them, I feel like she should be questioning herself some more. When I am numb about something, I would probably ask myself why I even did it in the first place. Seeing as Dalki already knows why she did it, maybe you should have some rhetorical questioning going on in her mind where she asks herself how she is supposed to forget about the princess and what is happening to her, or how she is supposed to move on and continue life now. Where should she go next? What to do with herself? I felt like it would be nice to see a moment of doubt there.
Also, when Dalki realises she can't see the princess one last time, how does it make her feel? Like she was used (as she was) to do the job and now all ties are being cut? Is she worried about her safety? Does she feel crushed at knowing she won't check on her, or is she happy in a way because it was a clean break, in a way. I know you said she felt numb, but you should only focus on that numbness at the beginning of the chapter. Eventually cracks will show and her emotions will come through. And in this chapter I felt like we needed some more of her emotions in there... that's what I wanted to see. So, how does she feel right now?
Now Dalki knows she was followed all day by Fels. Does she feel foolish knowing that she was being watched the whole time but didn't manage to pick up on it until he wanted to reveal himself? Or does she brush it off because it's Fels and knows that if Fels was following her, she wouldn't have known it anyway? It also made me wonder why he even bothered to follow her all day. Doesn't he have other things to do that should be earning them some money to get by as well? It also seems convenient that he was following her today in particular. When she left in the morning both him and her didn't know she was going to get such a big task to do - it was a fairly mediocre day. So it seems convenient that he chose to follow her today of all days. Maybe this needs some thinking about?
I feel like this might be the last time we need to hear about Dalki and Fels, unless they happen to come back in future chapters. Well, I don't think we get to see nearly enough of Fels character. We get little bits about how he was willing to fight those guys, is loyal to Dalki and a bit about his past thrown in there as well. But otherwise we don't know that much about him himself. And I don't feel like we know Dalki too well either. I hope this wo't be the last we see of them, because in my opinion these characters need to be a bit better developed before we ditch them for the rest of the story
I wonder, is Dalki going to try and get that money back or is she giving up. I know she feels tired and all at the end of the chapter, but I couldn't tell if that was resignation or not. Perhaps make it a bit more clear about her intentions at the end of the chapter?
Onto the technical stuff!
Hmm... I didn't quite like the way those sentences ran into each other. I felt like it was a bit disjointed and I couldn't help wondering where the end of the sentence was. I think you need to make them match up a bit more. Get rid of the description of the scene in the middle of the suspenseful part. So something more like: She had enough to buy a new life for herself and... there was a shadow behind her. <-- That way we get the reason as to why the sentence dropped off immediately instead of reading all this stuff in between it. After that though, I am sure you will find a way to put what I just took out back into the paragraph later on, because the description of her position is necessary.
I would cut the word 'at' out of this sentence. It makes it seem like the beginning phrase is going somewhere else, but then you changed your mind. Like the previous one, it makes it disjointed.
This was a bit confusing. I think you need to show that Fels froze before you move on to mentioning the rest of the sentence. Something like 'Hurrying up the questionable stiars to their door, Fels froze. Dalki paused a moment after he did, noticing a man come out of the shadows... etc. I think that means the same thing but then written in a way easier to understand. I also wondered why the stairs were questionable? If it's because they are crumbling and broken and need to be tread on in certain places if they were going to support their weight, then tell us! It may just be stairs, but it will add to the slums description.
You suddenly switched to first person in this sentence, so that needs to be changed.
I think you are missing the words 'made me' before the word steal.
This was a pretty good chapter, and I really loved how we saw another side to this world. Dalki's character is growing on me, but it's still in the process so we need more of her. And I pity her so much now D: I hope things go better for her in the future. You are doing such a good job with this novel.
I just need to do better at reviewing itDeanie x
What's up! It's me, Pendr, to review this marvelous piece of writing for The Grinches! Know this is the first I've read of this story, so I could easily be confused
Also, I do more detailed corrections mainly involving punctuation and spelling. Let's dig in!
"Mr. Surly was waiting for Dalki behind the house, a large bag on his shoulder. “You clothes,” he said as he handed the bag to her, “Keep the maid garb on, and no one will question you travelling behind the houses.” He was a shadow in the quickly fading light. She could no longer see the expressions on his face. Holding out the blow darts he had threatened her with at – could it really only be – earlier that day." After shoulder you need a comma instead of a period, and change 'you' to 'your.' Also, after 'bag to her' make the comma a period. Take out the 'at' after 'blow darts he had threatened her with at'
"Straightening her shoulders, Dalki started walking through the backyards of the rich. She wondered at the lack of attention she was paid." Maybe change 'wondered' to something along the lines of 'was surprised'
As the houses got smaller and shabbier, she guarded her bag closer. Eshe had shown her the gold. She had enough to buy a new life for herself and… She had just run across the large intersection that was the unofficial boundary between the noble and the common when a shadow dropped beside her." I would flow better and possibly give you more of the desired effect if you change the '...' to a hyphen and make the rest of that paragraph its own.
"She drew back, her mouth opening to scream, her hand gripping the bamboo of the blow darts tightly though she wasn’t familiar enough with the weapon to use it." add a comma before 'though'
"Fels nodded. His white skin almost glowing in the newborn moonlight, he seemed a specter beside her." I suggest adding 'while' before 'his white'
Alright. I'm going to send this in because review day is almost done! I'll be back right after, though. Be back soon!
1.The first mistake that I saw right off the bat was in this sentence: "“You clothes,” he said as he handed the bag to her," The first word, you should be your.
2. In this sentence: "“Oh, honey,” he tutted softly." Tutted is not a word, use totted or tatted.
3.Also I really like how you are developing adventure in your story.It really does help and aid the reader.
4.I don't understand in this story who Mr. Condreive what he wants from Dalki and why she interacts with him.
5.I really enjoyed your description of Fels and his vicious character,friendship or kinship with Dalki.
6.Again because I jumped probably into the middle of your story I don't know what Dalki is carrying inside her bag, but you did make it seem that it was something that was very valuable.
7.I tells this to lots of young writers,when you submit this story,make sure that all the paragraphs are indented correctly and before you submit the story preview it just to double-check.
8.In the end of the story, you left me wanting to know what happened next in the story. Very well done.
9.I hope that this review helps and as I always encourage every writer,keep on writing and very carefully fine combing editing!