Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.
Her mother shuffled cards. Peering behind the curtain splitting the wagon in half, Qui’in couldn’t make out the design, but she had played with them enough to know they were red with wisteria vines claiming a pagoda. Though it had been years since her father had died in the prisons of the Nidites and her mother had dishonored him by becoming a jinu, Qui still wasn’t used to the makeup that made her mother a doe-eyed, red lipped stranger.
A man’s boots could be seen in the space between the door and the floor. Qui’s stomach tightened when she recognized the strange accent of a Nidite mangling their language.
“Enter,” her mother called, focused on the cards. She didn’t look up when the man let the door bang shut behind him or when he stood behind her shoulder or even when he sat down. “Have you come for the cards, my lord?” Now her mother adopted the Nidite language, learned at the cost of precious oil late at night. While she did have an accent, it was clear she understood the language well.
“You know I haven’t.” Even speaking his own language, the man sounded like an idiot. Qui closed her eyes when her mother laughed, a sound that had never been so grating and loud before her father died.
When her mother squealed, Qui sneaked out a window in the back of the wagon. Another Nidite officer who was passing the wagon stopped and stared at her as she struggled to get more than halfway out of the window. “Tehan?”
Qui blinked, hating the man for catching her in such a compromising position. “No.” She pointed to the front of the wagon. “She with customer.”
His face darkened. “Interesting. Thank you.” He went in anyway.
Still wriggling to get out- she must have grown more than she had realized in the past few months- she heard the new officer bellowing in the Nidite language faster than she could understand. The first man stumbled out of the wagon, his pants undone. Then the wagon was quiet, too quiet. Qui went still in an attempt to hear what was being said and screamed when a mighty shove pushed her out of the window. She tumbled to the ground and looked up at her mother, bewildered.
Angry red spots standing out on her white cheeks, she screamed at Qui, “Never do this again. Some things you can’t hear.”
“You fucking that scum, you mean?” Qui hissed, face red with shame and eyes snapping with anger.
“You know nothing,” her mother spit and slammed the shutters.
.~.~.
Qui walked in broad daylight, seething with anger. She had left her mother soon after that, made her way here of all places because she was starving in one of the port cities where Kamaria had taken her under her wing, looking so much more elegant than her mother. When Kamaria had left for the capital, Qui had too.
Now she was fucking the scum just like her mother had. All the inward shame and frustration had a target now, and his name was Obi Eshe. He had secrets that she wanted to know. The walk was a long one, but the time did little to ease her anger.
She strode up to his front door, smiling coldly when she heard the temple gong hit ten times. This was the prime time to get things done. While it was already sweltering, it would be even hotter when the sun reached its zenith. Who knew how many people were staring at her back right now.
When the butler opened the door, she swept in. “Tell Mr. Eshe that Qui’in Taliop wishes to speak to him.”
Staring at her, he shook his head. “You… ah… I’m afraid I can’t allow you to just invite yourself onto the premise.”
“Mr. Eshe!” she called, walking farther into the house. She wasn’t entirely sure what had come over her, but the butler’s distressed expression as he fluttered around her trying to get her to leave was comedic.
“Please, Miss. This is ludicrous. Mr. Eshe isn’t quite your… clientele.” In standard white linen uniform which was cool enough to do work at the hottest times of day, he dried his face with a handkerchief.
Slowly facing him, Qui asked softly, “Not my clientele?” Danger sparkled in her words.
“Ah…” He gave her a limp smile. “Mr. Eshe is one of the more moral men I know. He’s not one to-”
“Ms. Taliop. What a surprise.” Obi made his way down the stairs with an easy smile, his eyebrows lifted in a question that was just a little too tense to be completely friendly. “Ease back, Mr. Fughi. Thank you for defending my honor.” He focused his gaze on Qui. If she had been a different woman, it would have been heavy enough to make her squirm. “Ms. Taliop, please, too my office.” He offered his arm as any gentleman might do for any lady and glanced back at his butler. “Please, Mr. Fughi, no eavesdropping. I give you my word, there will be no funny business.”
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Heya sugar,I haven't come back to your novel for quite some time, and I decided to review the next chapter of it.
Anyways, let's begin,shall we?
YAY! We finally got to see Qui's backstory. And I have to saw that I do agree that she would possibly follow in her Mother's footsteps. Most children kind of do that, since they were raised that way. So I actually don't criticize Qui for acting the same way, because this was the way that she knew naturally.
Okay, so in the dialogue at the beginning between Qui's Mother and the man, how does Qui understand the Nidite language? Wasn't it unfamiliar to her and only her Mother learned it? So why doesn't the text just have some random language on it. Qui wasn't meant to understand and eavesdrop this, right?
Why was his speech idiotic? Show not tell in this specific instance. You have done a good job of this throughout the text, but I still don't understand why his language is so idiotic. Maybe the way he says it, or the funny sounds that come of his mouth,etc.
I can't imagine this in any way, sugar. What was the butler's expression? How did his facial expression look like? Comedic is a very wide vague term, and I honestly don't know what exactly that mean in this situation. I want to know that maybe his eyebrows are raised,his mouth puckered,his fingers rubbing his chin,etc. Maybe be a bit more descriptive here,sugar?
Ummm, I don't know how this possible? You notice and see yourself growing, and the change isn't noticeable from day to day-it takes time to grow a couple of inches(for me it takes years <,<) so I'm sure that Qui would see that in herself.
Ohh, Qui is naturally curious of Obi's secrets that she detected by seeing Lekan bring out his uncle's cards? That's interesting, and it really shows her natural curiosity. I wonder if she will be straight-forward or more laid-back with her questions to him. This conversation will prove to be interesting. <,<
The only nitpick that I saw here, and I don't know if it has been mentioned before or not.Anyways, it's to with one o.
That's it for this well-written chapter. Can't wait to read the next one and witness their conversations. Hope that this review helps you in way.
/Pretzelsing/
Hi there!
I came here to review this chapter and I just got so into it that I had to keep reading on through the rest of your chapters. So now I know everything else that happens after this. Which is probably a good thing seeing as I won't comment on things that have already been addressed (which I tend to have a nasty habit of doing, really).
I, for one, am quite a fan of the use of flashbacks to share with us character backstory. There is always that notion to show instead of tell. And that's where the flashbacks come into play. This flashback at the beginning, for instance, really helps us understand more about Qui and her family. This is the first time that we really hear anything about her family, and it's a sad tale. Qui ended up being exactly like her mother was. That also leads to a section here where Qui thinks about her life and what she had become. Even though this is the 14th chapter, you're still sticking with your character development and we're learning more about Qui.
One thing that I'm curious about is how old Qui is during this flashback. I was under the impression that she was a young girl seeing as she was trying to climb out of the window. But then she used the word 'fucking' which I see as a word used by older children. I'm a little concerned as to how old she is. Especially since she left her mother shortly after that and made her way to a city all by herself. I feel like you've mentioned how old Qui is in an earlier chapter, but I'm not all too sure.
These two sentences should be separated. I can understand that you are trying to explain to us that Qui is going to take out all her anger out and force it upon Obi. Poor guy :3 However, the sentence about her ending up doing the things that her mother did is sort of lost within the rest of the paragraph. It's obviously something we already know, but it's different to hear her actually admit it.
You seem to have put a lot of effort into creating this world that your story takes place in. It's evident through the way your characters treat each other. There's an obvious hierarchy here in this world and it's easily understandable. Like how the butler feels the need to defend his master's honor, saying that Qui has no reason to be there. And other things, but that'll be something for me to mention in later chapters.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Okay, I haven't read your other chapters, so I'm basically just going to nitpick this and speculate. My apologies!
“Enter,” her mother called, focused on the cards. She didn’t look up when the man let the door bang shut behind him or when he stood behind her shoulder or even when he sat down. “Have you come for the cards, my lord?” Now her mother adopted the Nidite language, learned at the cost of precious oil late at night. While she did have an accent, it was clear she understood the language well.
“You know I haven’t.” Even speaking his own language, the man sounded like an idiot. Qui closed her eyes when her mother laughed, a sound that had never been so grating and loud before her father died.
I really like how you describe things.....I just might go and read your other chapters. I simply love the way you write these things; it's like you are a professional writer!!!
Just a word of advice, I think this should be 18+ for mature content as well as language.
“Mr. Eshe!” she called, walking farther into the house. She wasn’t entirely sure what had come over her, but the butler’s distressed expression as he fluttered around her trying to get her to leave was comedic.
“Please, Miss. This is ludicrous. Mr. Eshe isn’t quite your… clientele.” In standard white linen uniform which was cool enough to do work at the hottest times of day, he dried his face with a handkerchief.
Haha, awesome job here.
1) Only nitpick I could find here:
“Ms. Taliop, please, too my office.”
*to, not too
I loved this chapter! I am definitely going to have to read the others. Great job!!!!!!
Keep writing, I love your work,
Overall rating: 9.5/10
+1
It was rated 18
Whups. I thought about your comment some more and realize what you meant. Thank you for the advice.
Hi Meg!
As well as that, we're going to see more of Obi's side of things as well. I am looking forward to seeing how Qui is going to unlock him. Seeing as they both are experts when it comes to disguising their feelings and keeping secrets, I am sure these next chapters are going to be highly entertaining and a pleasure to read.
Hopefully I can be of more use this time round. And finally be caught up once again ^>^ I hope to stay on top of things this time!
Well, it looks like everyone is dropping surprise visits on everyone, it seems. I was surprised to see a flashback in there, but it was a pleasant surprise. And finally, we are getting the chance to unlock quite a lot of Qui's past as well. Mucho exciting
I think this sentence works better with a 'the' between the two last words.
Hm, because of what her mother is trying to imply here, maybe the last sentence should be 'Some things you're not supposed to hear.' Because technically she can hear them, but she shouldn't. (I think I am being picky now...) Also, seeing as her mother is screaming according to the dialogue tag, how about using some exclamation marks to add in some more effect there?
But I don't get it. Why is she doing the same thing as her mother did when she hated her mother so much for it? Usually when someone hates someone for doing something they try to avoid doing the same themselves at all costs. Even though we have heard about her mother and also the reason for her wearing the veil, I still don't understand why she chose the lifestyle she loves now. Because she needed money at the beginning when she was with Kamaria and there was no other way to get it? What made her take her inner shame and muffle it so she could have this job? It's something I am looking forward to having fully explained.
*to
I wonder who the man was that caught Qui half in and half out of the window? Someone of authority within that area? Maybe it's not supposed to be important or anything, but I just wondered if the stranger was going to be significant in any way...
As always, let me know when you post the next chapter! Hope this was helpful~
Deanie x