Dalki’s mouth was dry. Her hand was clenched so tightly around the hilt of her dagger that her fingers were sore. Her eyes begged her to let them flick down, away from the so far silent body guard’s heavy gaze.
She did not allow them to do so. She also willed her hands to stillness and spoke evenly, refusing to swallow or lick her lips though she desperately felt the need to. Her face remained stoic and her hands firm.
She let the nobleman (he didn’t have to dress in the robes for his status to be written all over him) go and took her gaze off of the body guard to meet his eye. He was older than he sounded, she thought to herself, and wondered if his body had aged early or his mind refused to bend to the idea of time. Then she hoped that he was not scrutinizing her age as she was his.
For the emotion she could pick up in his voice, the nobleman’s face was surprisingly unreadable. He glanced over his shoulder for a moment at the body guard who merely raised an eyebrow as if to say, “This is your mess.”
She could feel their doubt palpitating against her skin as it radiated from them.
Finally, the nobleman spoke, stopping the tension that had been tingling up her limbs as her mind had raced to figure out how to convince them she could do the job. Whatever the job was. She needed it.
“You certainly know your weapons.”
She nodded slowly. His face was cautious, but he smiled which made his face look as approachable as his voice had sounded a few moments ago.
“You work for Mr. Condrieve?”
She smirked coldly. “I did.” She knew her message was clear. Her loyalty could be bought.
“Did he run out of proper men to hire?” His smile was suddenly much more unfriendly.
Stiffening, she pressed her lips into a tight line. In truth, the men were used to guard the goods and watch the perimeter of the outpost. If a shipment of women caught off the coast to be used for the unmentionable things in life wasn’t due any moment now, Mr. Condrieve would have definitely sent one of the men.
Really, she was just used as a lookout along with her brother, but Mr. Condrieve didn’t pay them enough for a house cat to scrape by. Things were getting bad, and any addition would help, especially if it was as much as this nobleman had hinted at.
She said softly, “Mr. Condrieve understands that gold can come from all sorts of places.” She fought the urge to cross her arms, knowing it would make her look childish.
Nodding slowly, his eyes cool and perhaps a little condescending, she could tell for sure, he asked softly, “How old are you, girl?”
For a moment, she considered lying, but she knew by their reactions, small though they may be, that they recognized her youth. She grudgingly admitted, “Fifteen.”
Wind picked up sand and threw it in the air, down the quiet, hot alley.
The nobleman glanced around, his gaze meeting his guard’s for a moment as they had a silent conversation. Slowly, he turned to her. “We need to speak somewhere a little more private.” He made a cute motion that was half of a bow, his hand waving her on. “Ladies first?”
Cocking a brow, she shook her head. “I need to keep my eye on you two.”
He straightened slowly. “You’re very wise for the years you have, Miss…?”
She leaned forward a little daringly. “Why don’t you just walk beside me, Mr…?” She tilted her head mockingly and was a little offended when he laughed.
He took her arm, ignoring his guard’s disproving cough and her own scoff. “Let me take you to our rooms then.” She was about to jerk her hand out of his grasp when his grip tightened on the verge of pain. He walked so briskly that she had to trot to keep up, and it wasn’t until they had gone several blocks like this and she was a breathing a little heavily that she realized this was an assertion of dominance.
As they entered a slightly rundown inn, she said, just loud enough for the nobleman to hear, “Very nice show of prowess, my lord. It’s always very hard to overpower a teenage girl.” She gave him a sickly grin as he glared at her before leaving her with the bodyguard. The stairs outside were creaky and the paint was completely gone, leaving white wood, bleached by the sun. They were still too far outside of the center of the city, where the aqueducts were, to benefit from the shade of trees coaxed into taking root.
She squinted against the sunlight as they waited for the nobleman who could be seen through a window. A small motion had the guard pushing her forward. Dalki smiled grimly. At least she was in now.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi there!
That would be so fun to read. Speaking of Qui, I hope we get to see more of her and Lekan soon. I feel like we haven't visited them in a long while, but in reality it's probably only been a few chapters. It's hard to keep track of time like that when you're reading chapters or parts of chapters at a time. I'm super curious as to how everyone else is getting along.
I really like the addition of a new character here. It seems that you've been relying on the same x number of characters since the beginning. Which is fine, of course. There's no rule that you need to have new characters as the story goes on. It's always a good idea though because it gives the readers a new perspective on the story. And that's exactly what you have here with Dalki. (I really love your names by the way) She came into the story at a perfect time where she can cause some trouble, but really give the story a sort of edge. Here we have a character with a real tough skin, maybe even one tougher than Qui. Although, they're probably at the same level of toughness really. They seem to have a lot of personality traits in common as of now. It'll be interesting if the two of them ever run into each other.
I'm left wondering though, why Dalki didn't lie about her age. I mean, she says that she realized Obi could tell that she was young, but couldn't she have at least added a bit more years onto her age? The way she was acting around them earlier made it seem like she'd do anything to not be her fifteen year old self. And I wonder how Obi knew she was young in the first place because I sure didn't. Then again, I'm not there, I'm only reading about it. There must've been some other clues that weren't shared with us. Anyway, I feel like if she realized a few more years would give her an advantage, which I think it might, then she'd lie about it. She could even play the "I look a lot younger than I am" card. Then she'd probably be able to convince Obi of it. But if she's not going to lie about something like that, she's not going to lie. I just figured I'd argue my case
We definitely get to see a different side of Obi here. He's not the same man we've been following since the beginning. The only times before this when we got to see him from someone else's perspective is when he's with Lekan or Qui and they have good relationships with him. So to see him deal with a stranger, one who was threatening to slit his throat may I add, is very eye opening. He's not really the nicest guy, is he? What kind of man talks and acts like that around a fifteen year old girl? I mean, he even held her so tight when he led her off. Obi definitely has some personality traits that I am not all too fond of.
Deanie and Traunt have made some great points in their reviews, but I have to disagree with them on one point: the way Dalki refers to Obi and Mr. Fughi. They're the only other two in the alley with her so there's only two to choose from when she's speaking. And obviously Obi is the nobleman so Mr. Fughi would be the bodyguard or anything else she'd end up calling him. We understand that she's only just met them so she's going to automatically identify them by their rank. Obi looks like a noble and Mr. Fughi doesn't. So I actually think it's very clear the way you wrote it. And also interesting that Dalki doesn't feel the need to know their real names. She does ask Obi his, but only in a mocking manner really after he asked what her name was.
I really like this new character. It seems like she's really going to shake things up in this story. And her and Qui should totally meet, hint hint
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg! Me again :3
So just be wary here, and make sure these characters don't end up too similar to each other.
New characters always make me happy, and she seems like a tough one. At first I wouldn't have guessed she was fifteen, but I find it's interesting that you chose to make her so young. She kind of reminds me of Qui, and I think those two girls would make a lethal pair if they ever did get together and cooked up a storm. Loving these independent, strong female characters you keep making. And it's always nice to see more of Obi and how he deals with situations like this. Another thing I really have to admire you for is how you delivered the backstory! We got all we needed to know, nothing more or less, and without it seeming out of place or like an infodump! It was the perfect insertion of information, and it just flowed with the rest of the chapter. You have to teach me how to do that
I did say that Dalki reminds me of Qui, and that's because they both share the same wit and manage to wriggle their way under Obi's skin. But now you have to watch out a bit here. It's not always a good thing to have two characters that are too alike in personality and attitude, because then we're just getting a lot of the same thing. I know that they are ultimately different people, but they are characters invented by the same person, and that's why this happens quite a bit when it comes to novels
Another thing I noticed was that at times I got a bit lost in the titles 'the nobleman', 'the guard' and the 'guard's owner'. I found it difficult to decipher who she was talking to at some points. How about her giving them nicknames in her head? They might not be actual names, but it gives us a bit of insight into what she thinks of them at first glance, as well as is a bit less confusing. I think nicknames would work just fine, and resolved the issue.
This might be a small thing, but I would cut the first word in this sentence. It makes the last sentence of the paragraph stand out a bit and doesn't flow as well with it in there.
Oh wow, this was a very short review. I don't really have much more to say, other than keep writing. I can't wait to see what happens next, or what Dalki is going to think of the proposal Obi is going to give her. The comment at the end about dominance made me smile
Deanie x
Hi again! Because I enjoyed the last chapter, I've decide to cone back for more. I was just thinking about wall posts, and I haven't seen you post this as a comment - maybe you should to let peeps know it's out.
This was another instance of awkward wording. Perhaps you can put: "away from the far off body guard's silent and heavy gaze."
His body guard or his butler? I'm confused. Is she talk about Mr. Fughi?
You say his voice sounds old and then go on to put "if his body had aged early". Are you say he sounded old and looked young? Or he looked old and sounded young? This was quite a muddle.
I know what you meant, but some people may not. This sounds like Fughi is saying that to Dalki (interesting names by the way). Maybe you should put that he is looking at Obi
As what radiated from them...?
Okay, so what I was thinking is: "Obi is a full grown man, right? She's a young girl. How did she reach his neck? Was he pretty small or is she pretty tall?" just a thought
Awkward. XD
Ooo. I liked this chapter. Interesting. I find it intriguing as to Dalki's interests - it has to be more than her wanting some money. The way you portray her actions just makes me feel as if she is after something else. Tell me if I'm wrong. Just that curiousness as to her desperation. I like this so far. Great job, Meg.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt
Agreed! Wall posts are a good idea - and tag me so I know when to come back :3
Thanks for liking Deanie <3
I definitely think wall posts are a good idea. It will help to promote this amazing story :3
I'm going to read on as soon as you post more chapters! ^.^
Thanks for liking Deanie <3
I definitely think wall posts are a good idea. It will help to promote this amazing story :3
I'm going to read on as soon as you post more chapters! ^.^