16+ Mature Content

The Veil - Chapter 15

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for mature content.

They played cards. He was young and dumb. She was young and hopeful. She was giggling now as he glared at her, jerking off one slipper.

“Oh, Obi, don’t sulk like that. You just need practice. You haven’t played cards very much.” She dealt again as he straightened in his chair. “Who knows, maybe you’ll win this time.” She spoke in her language because she refused to dirty her mouth with the Nidite language.

He rolled his eyes and grabbed her wrist gently when she flicked another card in the neat pile that was growing in front of him. “Phina,” he murmured, “Stop teasing me.” His lips were fixed in a smile when he kissed her fingers, but his eyes were serious as they met hers. His tongue was clumsy with her language, but he was willing to look like a fool for a woman.

Wide eyed, she glanced to the open doorway. “My mother,” she hissed.

“Is meeting with the other women to plan the next attack. We both know she won’t be back for hours.” He flipped her hand over, tracing the lines on her palm, pressing a kiss to the center.

“The nations have a tradition that a man and a woman give something to each other before they make love.” The muscles in her arm suddenly relaxed when his lips feathered over her wrist. “A virgin’s gift is obvious, and normal practice is to allow her to ask for whatever she wishes from her first partner.” She stood slowly. “Will you honor this?”

He smiled at her as he stood as well. “Anything.” Her eyes were dark as she cupped his cheek.

“My people need a favor from you.”

His eyes fluttered closed as she kissed him deeply. “What do they need?”

“I’ll tell you…” She blushed a little. “After. Do you promise me you’ll do for them whatever I ask?”

Groaning as she kissed him again, he nodded. “Yes. Anything.”

“Even if it means betraying your brothers?” Her breath was hot against his ear.

He kissed her fiercely, feeling himself on the verge losing control. “What brothers? I’m already here, aren’t I? I haven’t reported your mother, have I? I am already dead to them if they find out.”

She pulled away, her chest rising and falling with gasps. “That is passive betrayal. It’s something different to act against them. Give me your word.”

“Yes,” he nearly shouted. “I swear, I’ll do whatever you ask.”

Laughing, she took his hand. “Thank goodness.” She led him farther into the tent where the world couldn’t touch youth.

.~.~.~

Obi studied Qui’in as she sat down, noticing that she didn’t even glance at the glass he’d laid in front of her. Silent, he sipped at the bourbon. “I had a mentor once,” he said suddenly, allowing his previous question to go unanswered for now. “I knew I was being mentored at the time. “I loved mentor and grew under his hand, but the best thing he ever did for me is give me exposure to other teachers as well. I think I can say that I’m talented at espionage without surprising you or seeming too pompous. If Lekan had even a month, I would let him alone with you before trying to teach him myself, but we don’t have that luxury. I’m not asking to take over his tutorage. I’m asking to supplement it.” His chest was tight, and he had to resist the urge to knock the alcohol back and take hers as well. It annoyed him more than he liked to admit that he couldn’t see any features of her face and stared squarely into the middle of her veil.

The facts were, he had no cards to play. He could mock her and attempt to set her off kilter, but he wouldn’t be able to force her hand in anyway. If she told him to mind his own business, he would have no choice to do so. Yes, he was paying her, but not paying her would just be taking away Lekan’s greatest strength.

He detested how many times he’d had to beg to this woman.

His head jerked up when a knock sounded on his door. “Obi? Lunch is almost ready. I’d appreciate the company.”

The tilt of Qui’in’s head was questioning as Obi swore. He pointed to the wall just beside the door and hissed through gritted teeth when she didn’t move, “Please.”

“Obi?” The doorknob started to turn.

Getting up, Qui’in stood where the door would hide her as Obi opened the door broadly, jerking it out of Conya’s grasp.

“Is everything okay?”

Smiling into her concerned face, he nodded. “Of course. I was just finishing some paperwork. I’m sorry I didn’t answer sooner.” His cheeks seemed to cramp with the fake grin he felt he needed to slather over his face. “I’d love to dine with you.” He put his hand at the small of her back comfortably, his heart not quite beating normally as he closed the door to his study. He relaxed a little when Conya tilted her head so her hair brushed against his arm.

“I’m so glad. What would I do without you, Obi?”

He glanced back at his study as he ushered her into the dining room. “Oh, I’m sure you’d do just fine. If it wasn’t for you, I’d never go out.” He felt himself truly smile as she laughed.

“Please, Obi, you flatter me too much. I’ve been useless these past few weeks.”

“For good reason. It’s been very stressful for you.” He pulled out a chair for her. This conversation, a well-rehearsed dance that had no surprises flowed from his tongue without him having to think about the meaning of what he was saying.

It was a nice break from the chess game a conversation with Qui’in was.

He looked down when she didn’t sit and swallowed when she looked up through her eyelashes.

“What do you think of us?” Her voice seemed to waver and coil around his neck.

Still holding the chair, he stared at her. What did she want from him? “I think we’re two very unlucky people doing the best we can in an unlucky situation. I think we don’t deserve what’s happened to us. I think we deserve to be angry.” Was he shaking? Could she tell he was shaking?

Smiling sadly, she nodded. “You’re right. Do you think we’re lucky at all?”

Panic ran amok in his head. It shook his brain and froze his mouth. Did she expect him to dishonor the dead and say his brother’s accident was of good fortune? Was he supposed to tell her that he was glad she was free for the taking?

Except she wasn’t. The mourning period still stretched on before her.

So many months to wait for a brother that time had blurred while he had been in the army then disappeared before he could grow close to him again.

His hand was off the back of the chair now.

On her shoulder.

Her eyes burned into his. His grip on her shoulder tightened.

The front door slammed, and Lekan’s voice could be heard from the entryway. “Mr. Fughi! I have some friends who are hungry. Tell the cook to prepare something for us.”

Conya sat mechanically, her face drawn as Obi put his hand on the back of the chair like nothing happened. He watched his fingers squeeze and let go of the chair spasmodically, unsure if he was relieved or annoyed. Both of them looked up when Lekan and four young men trounced into the room only to stop.

“Hello, Mother, Uncle,” he chirped cheerily. “Are we interrupting?”

Standing, Conya glared at Obi as he opened his mouth. “No. We had just decided that it seemed like a nice afternoon to eat on the patio.”

There was a quiet as Lekan processed this and the foot man that had just come from the kitchen turned around and went back down. “It’s boiling out there right now.”

On edge, Obi drawled, realizing Lekan had a point even as the words left his lips, “Do you make a habit of questioning your mother, boy?”

“No, I-”

“Then leave your opinion out of her decisions.” He took Conya’s hand and led her out of the dining room. “I hope you boys enjoy your last few hours together.” A bitter part of him relished the awkward silence that remained as he left.

Comments & reviews · 5
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User avatar
Noelle
Review
Noelle wrote a review · Sun Oct 26, 2014 9:57 pm

Hi there!

So now Obi has a secret past as well. I love it! The flashback really adds to the dynamic of the story. Now there's another layer that we have to sit and think about, wondering how it fits into the small part of Obi's life that we're getting to see.

Just a quick nitpick here.

The facts were, he had no cards to play.

It should be "The fact was". There is only one fact mentioned here: that Obi has no cards to play. So 'facts' should be singular.

He detested how many times he’d had to beg to this woman.

You know, all this time I had the feeling that Obi actually enjoyed messing with Qui. I don't know why or how I got that impression, but that's what it's been seeming like to me. Now to hear this makes me rethink their relationship. It really surprised me. Then again, this sounds like Obi's pride talking and I can believe that.

I really don't have much else to say. Your writing is so great and I find myself having to really search to find something that you can fix. You're really moving the plot forward well all the while making sure that we're keeping up with the characters.

To be honest, I'm kind of sad that Obi and Qui are done talking. For the moment at least. I do believe I've mentioned it before, but it's worth saying again that my favorite characters are Qui and Obi. Just the way they interact with each other is interesting. I think it's because their personalities are so similar that they butt heads a lot. I do hope that they run into each other again soon. I'm sure they will.

Keep writing!
**Noelle**

Hello, love!

Aurora here with a quick review day review for you! I haven't read most of the previous chapters, so please do excuse me if I mess something up.

Nitpicks first:

“I knew I was being mentored at the time. “I loved mentor and grew under his hand, but the best thing he ever did for me is give me exposure to other teachers as well.
First of all, you start quotations again without ever closing the firs- and since the same person is talking and there's no narration in between, it's useless. Furthermore, your second sentence- no offence- makes no sense. I loved mentor? I think you meant I loved my mentor :).

The facts were, he had no cards to play.
replace the comma with a 'that' :). It makes it read better and I think it's grammatically wrong as it stands currently.

This conversation, a well-rehearsed dance that had no surprises flowed from his tongue without him having to think about the meaning of what he was saying.
Comma after surprises. The rest is fine.

It was a nice break from the chess game a conversation with Qui’in was.
Whaaat? I have no idea what you were trying to say here... very confusing.

There was a quiet as Lekan processed this and the foot man that had just come from the kitchen turned around and went back down.
Foot man is actually one word; footman.

On edge, Obi drawled, realizing Lekan had a point even as the words left his lips,
This sentence is so horrifically messed up, I don't even know what to say.
First of all, the order of events is messed up; he'd think before he drawled, no? Just switch up the sentence structure a bit, I guess.

Alright, that's all the nitpicks I have!

Ooh, I like the developments in this chapter. Great characterization, and good description of Obi's feelings at the very beginning. I also enjoyed reading the part with Lekan- how Obi embarrasses him in front of his friends.

However, your description is seriously lacking. What are they eating? Drinking? How come Obi doesn't notice the heat before? If he doesn't, why not? What color is the table? How much silverware is there? Is it a casual meal?

Question, questions. clear that up, and you'll be great

Keep persisting, love.
~Aurora

User avatar
BillieJean
Review

Hi Megsug, great job on the story!!!

So, I haven't yet read the other chapters because I'm just going through the Green Room. Despite this I will still try to review this chapter as best I can!!!

So, I really think you did a good job on the structure of this piece as well as the content. The transitioning between the dialogue and the descriptions/detail was excellent. I didn't find any grammar or punctuation errors so I think your good in that area. Although, I think you need to work on how you convey your emotions because it almost seemed like they were a little bit all over the place and I was having a little trouble catching on to what he was truly feeling.

Anyway, I think you did a really good job and just hope you keep up the good work!!!

User avatar
Cithara
Review
Cithara wrote a review · Sun Sep 28, 2014 6:19 pm

Hey megsug! So I haven't read any of the other chapters, but I'll make sure to do so real soon ^^
I'm not gonna focus too much on plot, as I can only take from what is going on in this chapter, so I think I'll talk about grammar and shtuff :P

She spoke in her language because she refused to dirty her mouth with the Nidite language.

First thing I saw here was slight redundancy. Be careful with repeating words in a sentence, such as "language", here. Maybe change one of them to tongue?

“I knew I was being mentored at the time. “I loved mentor and grew under his hand, but the best thing he ever did for me is give me exposure to other teachers as well. I think I can say that I’m talented at espionage without surprising you or seeming too pompous. If Lekan had even a month, I would let him alone with you before trying to teach him myself, but we don’t have that luxury. I’m not asking to take over his tutorage. I’m asking to supplement it.”

So here I'm a little confused. First off, I'm not sure if this is a typo, but there are two quotations...so either that was a mistake or...? And also this guy says "mentor" like it's a proper noun, or the name of someone. Wouldn't it be "Mentor" then? Or instead of capitalizing the word, you put "the" in front of mentor.

This conversation, a well-rehearsed dance that had no surprises flowed from his tongue without him having to think about the meaning of what he was saying.

Hmm, this sentence felt bit rushed. I think breaking it up, perhaps into two sentences might, not make me have to reread it to get the full effect of what the sentence is saying.
So perhaps, "The conversation, a well-rehearsed dance, had no surprise that flowed from his tongue. He didn't have to think about the meaning of what he was saying."
Hmm, not the best, but you know what I mean ^^

There was a quiet as Lekan processed this and the foot man that had just come from the kitchen turned around and went back down.

I think there's something missing in this sentence that could give us more of a feel of what is happening. With the "there was a quiet"...a quiet what? A pause that stretched out to infinity? I dunno, just giving us that little bit of info helps set the scene more (possibly.)

This was really interesting! I liked it very much. I'll have to read the other chapters to understand what exactly is happening XD
Keep writing!
~Thewriter13

User avatar
Deanie
Review
Deanie wrote a review · Sun Sep 14, 2014 3:22 pm

Hi Megsug!

I honestly don't see why more people aren't reading this fabulous story >< Every chapter is amazing and adds so much to an already growing and evolving plot, I just can't believe what some people are missing out on! Doesn't matte really, as long as I get to keep enjoying this weekly chapters ^.^

This was interesting. I always like seeing things from Obi's point of view, which made me happy when you told me there was a switch to things from his eyes. I also liked how the conversation with Qui was so abruptly broken off and how Conya had come back into the spotlight. As well as all that, the flashback has me curious! He must've been especially dumb if he accepted the offer that girl gave her. Sheesh. I wonder what the favour was? I guess we will see in future chapters!

I had almost forgotten about Conya and the whole side story mystery surrounding her husband and his death! I feel like she and the storyline should be brought in a bit more otherwise readers are going to forget about it. And, seeing as we've had past chapters closely focus on Lekan, Qui and Obi, I feel like the revolution situation, Obi's friend (who I already have forgotten the name of D:) and a visit to the Queen may be in order? The thing is, you have so many different things going on in this story aside from the main plotline, it means it's hard to give everything the same importance or limelight. Which is fine, because seeing as they are side things that may or may not tie into the main plot, they shouldn't have too much focus. But give them too little as well and the reader starts to forget. I don't want to, so I think they really need to be brought up or at least mentioned/referred to a bit more.

feeling himself on the verge losing control.


I think you are missing out the word 'of' in between the words verge and losing.

I loved mentor and grew under his hand


I think you mean 'I loved my mentor'?

It was a nice break from the chess game a conversation with Qui’in was.


I did manage to get the meaning from the sentence that you intended to bring across. But I find it was worded awkwardly and it took me a few rereads to really understand. My suggestion would be this: It was a nice break from talking to Qui'in, seeing as conversations with her felt like playing a chess game.

So many months to wait for a brother that time had blurred while he had been in the army then disappeared before he could grow close to him again.


I was also left a little bit confused at this sentence. What does so many months to wait for a brother mean? Waiting for a brother *does he mean his brother, because then I think he'd refer to the brother as my instead of 'a'* to do what, exactly? Also, I think putting an 'and' in between army and disappeared would also clarify the second part of the sentence a bit more :)

Hm, I would think that after the abrupt ending, and knowing Qui, Obi might be afraid she is going to snoop through things in her office to get to know him and his past and affairs better? Or maybe he knows Qui better than that and knows she is someone of honour and won't be snooping around. Either way, I would think he might spare a thought to what might happen when he left her in his room all by herself.

There was a quiet as Lekan processed this


Get rid of the 'a', it isn't really necessary.

I feel like Obi's emotions are a little bit weird. I feel lost. He's annoyed at not being able to see Qui, then he's tense, and then he's taking Conya away after sniping a little at Lekan, which leaves me lost and trying to figure out what he is feeling throughout this whole chapter because his emotions are jumping from here to there super fast. Slow down a little bit with it, and explain his emotions better. I didn't quite know what he was feeling other than nervous when Conya was asking about them being lucky or not, but after that I completely was lost in his emotions, and before I could follow a little. I am not sure how you would go about it, yet, but I am sure you'll find a way to clear it up.

I don't really have much else I can say about this! I love the way this story is progressing, so you best keep it up and never stop! Looking forwards to whatever is coming next ^.^

Deanie x



ah yes my boiling cheetohs
— tatteredbones