Staring at a Velodian text, Lekan let his mind wander. He had talked the fairly common book out of the school he had attended a few years before. He had left several unseemly impressions there, but he had also gained a few friends, enough to get his hands on a tome that wouldn’t be used and was of no real value anyways. He understood none of it, but he also didn’t understand how he was going to be prepared for any diplomatic action, over or under the table, without having a grip on the language. He had no idea how he was going to learn how to speak or read a language in less than two weeks. At least staring at a page—while useless—made him feel like he was doing something productive.
He heard the door slam and dared to peek out of his door. When the guards had burst in, he had felt his heart rate sky rocket. Even now, he was having a little trouble comprehending that they had been at the house for reasons completely unrelated to him. They were looking for something big because his room wasn’t a total mess. The books were still on the shelves at least. His curtains were a pile on the floor now, and his closet looked like a sand storm had blown through, but that was nothing that servants couldn’t straighten. He wondered what the guardsmen had been looking for.
Listening to the unsure silence, he glanced up and down the hall before finally making his way out. As he walked toward the stairs, looking at the stained glass window depicting some legend he had no reasons to know as he never had before, the dying light highlighting his skin with color, he still expected a guardsman to come from around a corner and tell him that the monarchy had ordered him back to the dungeons.
Or even worse, to Velod early.
Instead, there was the telltale rustle that followed his mother. It was a whisper like she was, a little timid and yet daring enough to announce her presence.
He and his mother hadn’t been on the best of terms lately, but he would miss that rustle.
Her head jerked toward him, her nerves obvious in the way her jaw was tight. She hesitated, her hand tight on the bannister. As Lekan watched her out of his peripheral, eyes never leaving the window, she seemed happy to look at him unapologetically. She continued towards him.
Turning to face her, he meant to say something in greeting or perhaps in concern. He found himself just studying her instead, memorizing details that he couldn’t remember noticing before. Usually when he looked at her, it only reinforced how much like his father he looked. Now that he really tried to see her though, he could see that his cheekbones were hers and maybe the shape of his lips as well.
He had nothing to break the quiet with, and she seemed happy to make her way up the stairs in silence.
It came as a surprise, and only took a moment. He blinked, and he was staring at his father sprawled at the bottom of the stairs, his mother standing at the top, panting. She turned to him, eyes wide and bright with panic and anger. One cheek was a hot red.
Another blink, and she was on the landing with him, eyes sharp as they watched his face.
Shifting uncomfortably, he cleared his throat and looked back at the stained glass window. He almost winced at her hand cupping his cheek but let his gaze be led to her again. It trembled a little. The guardsmen had scared her too.
“I’m sorry, darling,” she whispered.
He swallowed and nodded. “I’m sorry too.”
Her hand fell away, and she too stared at the window though she seemed to be looking through it. “We’ve made quite a mess of things, haven’t we?” she sighed before laughing a little bitterly. “At least we have Obi to clean up after us.”
Something about having the life he knew ripped from under him made Lekan’s memories vivid, appearing almost of their own accord. He remembered a time when he was young, and his father had been away on business of some kind. Conya had come out of her shell, invited people for dinner parties. He had been intrigued and a little wary of this woman who had taken the face of his mother with bright eyes and a saucy smile. “You and Obi…” he murmured, tired of talking about messes and how to clean them. “Is it serious?”
The quick turn of her head was full of surprise and her eyes embarrassed delight. Her smile was not flirtatious, but it wasn’t forced.
He wouldn’t say this woman in front of him was the one who had been free for one week, but she definitely wasn’t the quiet shadow of a mother he knew.
She bobbed her head uncertainly. “Maybe I would like it to be. He’s been very kind to us. He’s got enough following with the nobles in court that he could have probably taken the title and all that goes with it from you when you showed no interest. Instead, he worked for the estate practically for free… He’s been better than I could have ever dreamed of in this debacle.” Her sigh was heavy with words that couldn’t quite pass her lips as she turned away maybe to hide accusations living in her gaze.
Lekan wondered what she was thinking and then was glad he didn’t know. The quiet was the awkward kind between two people who used to be familiar and had drifted apart. It made Lekan itch a little just under his collar.
Her thin dress was only a shade or two darker than her skin, transforming her into a pale specter.
He wondered how she survived at all in the desert with its heat, harsh sun, and winds. She was smiling now with a patient endurance. He wondered if he had ever know her at all or had dismissed her as quiet and spineless. And then a murderer.
She was completely still. Some would think it stiff. He had always thought it was stiff, but maybe it was just stillness that came from a life of enduring what could not be changed. A peace born from the knowledge she could do nothing and was safe in inaction.
He didn’t know what to say.
She stepped away from him then, moving with waiflike grace. “Well, it may wind up being nothing.” She floated away down the hallway.
He gripped the bannister and thought how little he’d seen her since he’d been arrested. “Mom,” he rasped, the word flying from his mouth like a giant moth, awkward.
She turned with a strangely hopeful look as if he had let her down and could make it up in this moment.
Panic and an undefinable regret gripped him. “I love you.”
He could breathe again as she bathed him in the light of her grin.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,830 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
We're back to Lekan's point of view. Yes!
I have to admit, I was a bit confused with the memories that you threw in here. They were mixed into the narration so well that I could barely tell the difference between the two. At first I thought that we were going to see the guards storming the house from Lekan's point of view, but I found out quickly that that wasn't it. When I realized these were memories and it suddenly made sense. It took me a while to figure it out though.
This is a cute chapter! In a good way of course :3 Here you have a son and a mother trying to coexist even though their relationship is broken and they both know it. It's great to see because we haven't really gotten to see any Lekan/Conya moments. We know that they're both in the house and we know their relationship, but we haven't gotten to really see them. Here we can really see and understand how their relationship is broken.
Now I'm left wondering what happened to Lekan's father -- I hope that we don't know already because I can't remember any mentions of him :3 The flashback showed us a glimpse about what might have happened and now I'm sitting here worrying that Conya killed her husband. I don't know what to think anymore.
Ah, Lekan has the same study habits as me :3
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg!
I am going to try and power through a lot of these chapters this weekend and hopefully catch up completely. That would be nice :3 Let's see if it is possible!
I love how much we have been seeing of Conya lately, especially as I asked to get to know a bit more about her! And now we are starting to see some more glimpses of what might have happened between her and her prior husband. I didn't know Lekan knew about it though, and it would be interesting to see more of how he perceives his mother now. It seems he is still capable of loving her though. I also thought it was about time we got to see things from Lekan's perspective as well. As the date of his departure for his punishment draws near we can see the seriousness starting to sink into him and I believe he is really seeing the weight of his punishment and what could happen to him out there. Even I have began to feel sorry for him lately :/ I really love how much you have let the plot line of this develop, Megsug, and the characters as well. This really is one of my favourite novels that I am following on YWS.
Wait, wait, no one thought about the language issue until now? I find that sort of surprising. I mean, between Obi and Qui I felt like they had the majority of the major things covered and were focusing on the little details. I doubt they would have overlooked such a big issue as this - especially the language. From the way I read this it makes it sound like you needed there to be an issue he is having at the moment, and remembered that you hadn't mentioned the language yet before, so decided to include it in there. Maybe you should mention that instead, he had started learning the language with Qui or Obi, but it is hard for him to get the grips on and that he is still far from fluent. That sounds more like what they might've done, but I felt like it was kind of thrown in there.
What? I was confused as to why his room being reasonably tidy showed that they were looking for something big. Does Lekan have a lot of small things in his room? Come to think of it, we have never really been in Lekan's room until now, and I was curious to hear a bit more about what it looked like originally. Before it got trashed as well, seeing as it wouldn't be in the best condition right now. So maybe a small description there would nice? I also think that them not having trashed his room around so much could be an indication that they didn't really suspect that he had anything to do with this and doubted it would be hidden in his room...
I feel like we should have a bit more on how he feels about the soldiers appearance. Yes, he was scared and surprised because he believed that they had turned up to take him across earlier. But now that the ordeal is said and done, does he feel annoyed at what they done to his home and found nothing, or does he feel happy and more relieved than anything else and doesn't care about the damage done? You repeat twice in this chapter that he wonders what they were searching for, but I don't really see it as an emotional reaction to what happened. Remember, a novel should be full of actions and reactions to what has happened. I want to know how Lekan is thinking and feeling in that moment!
I am feeling a bit picky about the flashback! Especially because it confused me. I completely didn't understand what was happening until I read it over a few times. I think something that would be good to do would be to make it a few blown flashback. I mean, have it in italics and written as if the flashback was occurring in the moment. So what I mean is for the section to be changed to something like this:
He blinked; he was staring at his father sprawled at the bottom of the stairs, his mother standing at the top, panting. She turned to him, eyes wide and bright with panic and anger. One cheek was a hot red
That way we still have the essence of the story the way you were writing it, but we understand that the events are happening in the past and he is being thrown back for a moment. Okay, onto the technical stuff!
I think you meant 'taken' instead of 'talked'.
Not only here, but in the general beginning of the chapter I notice you use 'he had' a lot. Espeially as the beginning of sentences. Seeing the same opening so much can become boring. Remember to make some into he'd instead so it is a bit shorter and less repetitive when it comes to the rhythm. Also saying he had is switching to passive voice. We can try to avoid that as much as possible. Which means it would be good if you could get rid of the had in as many places as possible and follow it up with the verb directly. So instead of 'he had talked' it would be 'he talked'.
Remember that anyways is typically slang. In writing it should be 'anyway.'
Whoa, that is all one sentence O.o I am not going to be annoying and tear it into sentences for you because I am sure you can break that down a bit more. Just remember that if you are using more than one or two commas at the most, the sentence is running on and should be ended with a full stop in some place. That way it is easier to avoid long sentences like this.
I will be reading the next chapter in the morning and hopefully powering through these!
Deanie x
Hi, there! Lefty here to review!
Just a quick note, I haven't read any of the other chapters so I can't touch on story or character development but I will do my best to help you out with what I read in this chapter. First, I'll start out with some nitpicks:
This sentence sounds a bit repetitive since the word "door" is used twice.
Who "him"? The son or the father? You might want to clarify this.
What did? Her gaze? Her hand?
There are a few lines I didn't entirely understand. Perhaps it's because I haven't read the previous chapters, but if not, perhaps there would be a way of rewording these sentences or clarifying their meaning better. Or perhaps it's just me. But these are the sentences:
Why because? What does his room have to do with them looking for something big?
This was all fine until the "as he never had before." It almost sounds like it's incomplete. Also, for the whole sentence, which I didn't quote all of above, seemed a little bit like a run-on sentence. You might be able to cut it into two or three sentences.
With the before sentences, I had an image in my head of what was happening, but then this paragraph made it sound like something else was happening and I found his blinking to be confusing and how each time he did it he saw something different?
Okay, that's all for the nitpicks! Again, my confusion might just be because I haven't read the previous chapters and I hope this didn't sound too harsh, because I didn't mean for it to. But if it doesn't have anything to do with the previous chapters, perhaps when you read through this again you could take a look at those sentences and see how you could clarify them a bit.
There are also a few lines that I thought were written very nicely...
Very beautifully written and it got the feeling and the meaning across perfectly. Nicely done.
I thought you handled the awkward mother/son relationship very well. It seemed very realistic with good dialog. And I got the feeling at the end that they were starting to mend their distance, if just a little bit. So I thought that part was great.
Your sentences flow very nicely. Your grammar and punctuation is basically perfect which not many writers are able to do, especially with dialog. So huge kudos for that. It sounds like an interesting story with interesting characters! I will be sure to read part 2 within the next hour. I hope this review was helpful and, again, not too harsh. Keep up the good work and have a nice day!
-Lefty
Hey there! This is my first review in a long while, forgive me if I'm rusty. I hope you don't mind me hopping in on this chapter when I haven't read any of it before. I quite like your writing style, it's generally smooth and I bet I could get into it if I started to read the rest. Anyways, here's some thoughts I had while reading.
"When the guards had burst in, he had felt his heart rate sky rocket."
Skyrocket is one word.
"As he walked toward the stairs, looking at the stained glass window depicting some legend he had no reasons to know as he never had before, the dying light highlighting his skin with color, he still expected a guardsman to come from around a corner and tell him that the monarchy had ordered him back to the dungeons."
This is a very long sentence. Also, unless it is a reference to some other part of this story, I don't quite understand the "legend he had no reasons to know as he never had before." Even if it does make sense, it's a bit of a mouthful (or a mindful), and I might suggest revising it so that maybe it is two sentences or just something to organize it a little better.
"It was a whisper like she was, a little timid and yet daring enough to announce her presence."
I really like this description. It's very vivid and I like the connection between a sound and a personality. Actually, I like your descriptions of the mother in general. It's very consistent and very airy, especially "wraithlike".
"he rasped, the word flying from his mouth like a giant moth, awkward."
This description amuses me, and seems very accurate.
Again, excellent work~
Daisuki