Stiffening, Obi glanced around as surreptitiously as he could, talking to Mr. Fughi the entire time in a light easy manner, his gait loosening almost as naturally as it had tightened. “Try living on the wild side once and a while, my dear man. Too much caution wastes a man’s life.” With emotion he decided not to identify- though it was definitely between amusement and horror- he realized he was channeling Lekan as he elbowed Mr. Fughi in the side.
The man seemed caught between confusion and offense. “Sir, if I may express my opinion,” he said quietly and patiently enough that Obi feared for a moment that Mr. Fughi didn’t understand, “The task you are setting out to complete is foolhardy.”
Obi gave his butler a sincere grin. Obi had first met Mr. Fughi in the far east, and their relationship had been beneficial ever since. The man was sharp. “And profitable!” He shook the bag of coins in Mr. Fughi’s face obnoxiously. “More than that old weasel back there sees in a year. Thirty times what’s in this purse! If it is foolhardy, it’s why I’m the one in charge, and you’re the one making sure everyone does what we say. Thanks for nothing back there, by the way.” He threw the purse out in the air and reached up to grab it, only for it to be snatched from the air by Mr. Fughi.
“Do you want us to get robbed?” he hissed, far more tense than Obi had ever seen him which could be saying something. “And,” he added as if it were an afterthought as he tucked the purse into a pocket in his jacket, “I would have been able to help if you hadn’t approached Mr. Condrieve so outrageously. You never show a conman your true intentions until you’re sure you’ve got him firmly in your pocket.”
Obi practically winced, hearing the truth hidden in Mr. Fughi’s words.
“I doubt we’ll be able to find anyone now,” he ended with a grumble.
Obi shrugged carelessly. “There are desperate people all over this town. One of them will be willing to take all of that money I tried to offer Mr. Condrieve to-” Obi cut himself off just as Mr. Fughi shot him a look. Really, it was a miracle the tail hadn’t given up. In Obi’s experience with the rougher persons in the area, there was no such thing as honor among thieves. Obviously, the odious Mr. Condrieve found better employees than he deserved. He smiled when he saw the flicker of a tunic behind the building in front of them.
Mr. Fughi had apparently seen it as well because he scoffed. “You lucky bastard,” he murmured softly enough that only Obi could hear.
Obi just smiled as they passed the tunic wearer and yelped- loudly enough to make Mr. Fughi roll his eyes- as he was dragged to the side, a dagger pressed against his throat. “See? Desperate people are all over this town.” He cleared his throat as the dagger was pressed a little farther.
“You two talk pretty loud for criminals.” The voice was rough and a little high pitched compared to Obi’s expectations. The arm around him was rather small but firm and muscled. The dagger didn’t shake a bit.
Obi shied away from the thought of trusting a woman with a mission as important as this. He liked to think of himself as a progressive thinker, but it was easier to call himself one than be one.
Mr. Fughi’s impassive face told him nothing about the woman though he didn’t seem very impressed. To make it seem like they were actually taken by surprise, Mr. Fughi had a small stick pulled out. Obi would have been worried since sticks at knife fights don’t normally win, but in his experience, Mr. Fughi always made the right decision.
“Does this mean you’re interested?” Obi asked, his voice overly cheery. Perhaps he would have to settle for a woman, and perhaps Mr. Fughi wasn’t confident in her skills, but his butler was correct in one thing: Obi was a lucky bastard.
In Obi’s experience, luck rarely came in pairs.
“Might be.”
Her accent was strange. Obi wished he could see her face because he doubted she was a Nidite, and she didn’t sound like someone from the far east, not to mention there was rarely anyone from the far east that came this far. Qui’in was one of the few he was aware of.
Mr. Fughi raised an eyebrow slowly. Obi wondered at his position. The way he was holding his stick didn’t seem like it would be very effective if the woman decided to cut his throat.
“Perhaps if you let me go, we can discuss this in a more civilized manner.”
“Promise me the job.” Her voice was stubborn. Obi doubted he would be able to discuss anything with her. He asked for desperate, and desperate is what he got.
“You don’t know what it is.” Despite the fact that he was fairly sure he had this situation well in hand, a trickle of panic started to worm its way down his spine, making his muscles stiffen. He did not like being kept at knife point.
Mr. Fughi blinked, his eyes shifting from the woman’s eyes to Obi’s for a split second. The question was clear: Testing you luck again?
“Tell your man to put the weapon away, and I’ll think about letting you go.” Obi reconsidered his opinion of a woman for the job. Her voice and hand were both steady. A less experienced criminal would have given away her nerves or excitement.
“You heard her.” Obi made his voice a little hoarse and fidgeted a little until her grip tightened. She said nothing though, letting her movement serve as warning enough.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi there! Noelle here for another Review Day review!
Why can't he see her face? Did I miss something? Unless of course, he's being held from behind instead of in front pressed up against the wall. Maybe you could make that a bit clearer? He's pulled to the side and has a dagger pressed against his throat, but that's all we know. Give us some more details.
I like the ending to the chapter. It ties everything together: the tail, the job, Mr. Fughi and Obi's relationship. It all comes together well. When I read at the end of the first part that someone was following them, I was expecting a different conflict that had nothing to do with the job Obi was searching for someone to do. I'm not really sure why I though that, but I did. So of course it was nice to see that it all came together.
One thing I'm not all that sure about though, is how Obi isn't too keen about having a woman do the job. Surely he would've seen women in a different light from being around Qui. Not that I feel like he's being sexist, that's just how they live, but I feel like he'd give her a bit more of a chance. Eventually he does, but he doesn't seem too keen about it. Also, Mr. Fughi has a stick. That's hardly a weapon, yet the woman seems to be scared of it. That just seems a bit unrealistic to me.
Overall another great chapter. I really wonder what all of this is leading up to. I've noticed the different plot lines as I've read on and there is so much that needs to be completed when the novel is finished. You're definitely keeping me guessing. Keep up the awesome descriptions and characters and world building. Those are my favorite parts of your writing
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi there Meg!
Wow, this is another one of those chapters that is pretty perfect on its own. What more can I say? I thought it was especially clever, the way Obi has decided to use this tail to his advantage in the end. I like the idea of it being a girl, strangely enough, it's almost like they don't know if she will be cut out for the job yet. As well as that, the way the butler wasn't getting it even if he gave good advice to Obi at the same time, was something almost funny to see? Either way, this was wonderfully written and a great addition to the story. A great chapter.
I would have a comma after the word 'him'. Otherwise, I have no more nitpicks for you. Traunt has pulled them all out for you already ^.^
When you give a description of what the criminal looks like who is tailing them, you mention that they have smaller muscles than usual, and then before we know it Obi is talking about how girls are not cut out for the job he wants. But from that we never really get it as a plain stated fact that she is really female. Maybe it would be good to show us the moment when Obi registers in his mind that this person is a woman.
Also, another thing that isn't quite covered yet, and I would like to know about, is why this person was tailing them in the first place. Was she watching them all the way from the criminal camp, and saw them leave empty handed and unsatisfied? I thought this would've been one of the first things they would've asked, but it appears not. Perhaps it could be brought up in the next chapter.
Honestly, there isn't much more I can say. This was really good. I love seeing the faith Obi has in his butler - it's a great relationship you have building there. I wonder how this woman is going to play out in the story. I best get to reading more!
Deanie x
Hey, Meg. Sorry I haven't reviewed any other chapters but I'm trying to help peeps who's work has been stuck in the green room for days.
Hopefully your loyal reviewers will come and review for you, m'dear.
But you've got me at the moment, hee hee.
Now, I'm sure you might have been told, but when someone speaks, you put it in a new paragraph. It is always the dialogue first in a paragraph. If you have one little bit of infor or an action (a short sentence) then it is fine. It explains it here: http://misanthropology101.wordpress.com ... aragraphs/
Also, do you know what an Em-Dash is? This here: "—", if you cannot get them to work, people usually put two normal dashes "--". It explains it here: http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/marks/dash.htm - but they are like commas, they mean a pause. Sometimes an interruption. And you can use them to sandwich info inside a sentence like you did, except you used an En Dash "-", which is for other things
I found the middle of this sentence a little jumpy. I think it was because you were describing Mr. Fughi's actions they slipped into Obi's. I would just put a "so" after "enough that" so it smooths it out and it flows better.
I got confused here. Money in Mr. Fughi's purse, or "the weasel back there"? You just need to present it a bit clearer.
There was a break that was needed but wasn't there. I would put: "far more tense than Obi had ever seen him—which could be saying something." Ce?
A little redundancy here. Maybe if you put, "Obi just smiled as they passed the tunic wearer and yelped- loudly enough to make Mr. Fughi roll his eyes- as he was dragged to the side, a dagger pressed against his neck. “See? Desperate people are all over this town.” He cleared his throat as the blade was pressed a little farther." Oui?
How can a voice be rough and high pitched at the same time? Maybe you mean: "The voice was rough, but not half as deep as compared to Obi’s expectations."
I felt as if it should have been "stick versus knife".
"Testing your luck again"
And yet she's so desperate she asking him to promise something he could easily back out on as soon as he's away from her and doesn't have a knife to his throat? Hmm...
It is a shame no one has reviewed this as of yet. I recall you asking me to review your work a while ago, right? I'd said on my wall that I'll review anything, and I think I did review a chapter. And this one was very exciting. The tension was great! And I think the length was just perfect as well. Not too short, but not too long.
Sorry I don't have much to say but I don't really know the storyline.
Yours sincerely,
Traunt