Obi had dawdled too long with Qui’in. He had planned to get home just after the guards that were sure to come. The timing was mainly guess work with a little intuition and the knowledge of Rufolu’s habits that only a childhood friend could know.
He had expected to be hours early, maybe even days, but Rufolu was even more quick tempered than the old days apparently, and he didn’t need much proof to act. He took the front steps two at a time, hoping Conya was out for once with friends that didn’t seem to exist. She had probably been on edge already when he had missed dinner without a note to let her know. The guards would definitely have her overset.
The door wasn’t properly closed which meant Mr. Fughi wasn’t back yet. Someone who lost their composure much easier than his butler did had opened the door and, probably brushed aside by the barbarian guards, had forgotten to close the door properly. As he passed through, he left the door open, hoping Mr. Fughi would realize something was afoot.
He swallowed nervously and took a deep breath, pulling at his cuffs as he did so. Mr. Fughi was supposed to be back. No doubt that girl had taken longer than he had told her it was necessary for her to keep to. Tightening his hands once before relaxing them, he strode through the entryway. “Conya,” he cried—though he had never done so before, knowing the few rooms she frequented well. “I’m sorry I was late. I got held up with a few friends.”
Lekan was lounging on the stairs, unwilling to get too close to the men who had arrested and guarded him just a few days ago but wanting to see the spectacle. He raised an eyebrow at his uncle’s behavior. “Maybe you should stop thinking about how to mold me into you since you’re starting to sound like me.” He laughed at Obi’s flat glare. “Mom’s in the library, recovering from a fit. Palace guards are crawling all over, looking for something and trying their hardest to scare Mom.” His gaze darkened. “You haven’t done anything, have you? They’re just here to scare you, us.” He cleared his throat and tilted his head at a funny angle, making Obi think of the little boy that he used to play cards with who used to beg for someone to check the room for monsters, honestly scared.
Sometimes Obi forgot that Lekan was still young, still easily frightened.
He smiled grimly. Except the monsters were very real this time. “I think it might be best for you to make yourself scarce,” he muttered and hurried through to the library. “Conya, what is going on?”
“Lord Eshe, how nice to see you’ve finally made an appearance.” A guard sat, relaxed, close enough to the inconsolable Conya to make Obi grit his teeth.
The man was not in the armor the others wore. He had on a casual suit. The only way Obi could identify him was the royal seal on the guard’s lapel and the intricate designs cut into his hair that was short enough to fit under a helmet if need be.
He smiled. “Guardsman, may I ask why this is all necessary?”
“Guardsman Lenton, if you don’t mind, my lord. We’re here to find something that was taken from the palace. Knowing the recent happenings with your nephew, you were the first we thought to ask.” He smiled blithely. His small hands folded on top of his legs.
Putting his hands on Conya’s shoulders protectively, Obi thought. “Hm… I don’t know what I could possibly want from the palace.” He gestured around the library. “While I can’t quite call this a castle, it’s quite enough for a man like me, an old soldier.” He peered at Mr. Lenton’s head. “Oh my. No wonder you’ve worked through the ranks so quickly for your age. You’re quite the hero.” He grinned a little sheepishly. “It makes me miss it all a bit.”
Lenton raised an eyebrow. “Lord Eshe, let me save you the effort of pretending we are alike. You and I are nothing alike. While I marched, you got a horse. While I slept under bushes when it rained, you got a tent. You came into the army with a rank only a few steps below mine. It has taken me decades to reach this position.” He stood, small, broad, and very steady. “We are nothing alike, my lord, and I will not lower myself to pretend any different. Now, where would you have happened to be as we were beginning our search?”
Rubbing Conya’s back, Obi refused to let the surprise of being shot down in such definite terms show on his face. Instead, he laughed because he wasn’t sure how else to tell this Guardsman Lenton that he didn’t care what he thought. “I was at Temple.”
Frowning, Lenton asked, “Then what about those friends you were yelling about?”
Conya was calming down now. Her shoulders rose and fell evenly. She reached up and squeezed Obi’s hand.
“I ran into them after Temple.” He shrugged. “Nobles can be religious too, Guardsman. It’s not only the poor that feel they need a little boost from someone with a few connections.” He glanced up at a slight cough at the door and had to force himself not to grimace as Mr. Fughi stood in the doorway, looking as stiff as ever.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi there! Noelle back for another Review Day review!
I was right! Lekan is back in the picture. Not that he was ever out of the picture, but he just hasn't been in chapters lately. You know what I mean. Anyway... It was interesting to see his reaction to all of this. It fit right in with how he was towards Obi the last time we saw him so that's a good thing. I find it kind of funny that he's accusing Obi of something. It's like he knows everything about his uncle despite the fact that Obi has tried to save face, even around Lekan. And even though Lekan is scared, he's still able to put the pieces together and figure out why the guards are there. Or at least assume why the guards are there.
I think this would've worked better with a semi-colon or a period instead of the comma. It seems that the 'us' part is more of an afterthought. It wouldn't be strung together when he actually says it like it is now.
I have to agree with Deanie, I would've liked to see more of Conya here. It's been a while since we've seen her either. I feel like she's a much bigger part of this story than is being let on. She's Lekan's mother (right? xD) and Obi's love. That seems like a reason for her to be around more. If not around just on the mind. Like Obi for example. I don't see him really thinking about her much, but that can also be accredited to him having so much to deal with.
You missed a great opportunity to put some descriptions in this chapter. The guards are here to find something that's missing, right? Wouldn't they be ransacking the house while they search? I don't know of any soldier that would come in and politely search someone's house for something stolen :3 That could also give a good reason to see Obi's reactions to all of this. We really only see him caring for Conya and telling Lekan to go away. With a ransacked house, that might give him more liberty to tell how he really feels about the soldiers being there. There could be so much more emotion here.
Everything always seems to come around to societal standing, now doesn't it? I find that very interesting about your novel. Your world building is so great that I understand completely what kind of society this is and I can understand why people do what they do. It's always mentioned that Obi is a noble. And even when Lenton was talking about his experience in the army versus Obi's, he mentioned ranks and positions. It's all about where you are in the rankings, it seems. It's interesting to see that mixed into almost every situation.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg!
It's me come back for a bit more of your chapters! This one had a bit of an abrupt ending but that can be easily ignored because this chapter is split into two parts. This chapter is going to be very hard to write a review for as well, because it was pretty much perfect as it is aside from the tiniest of nitpicks. We get Lekan showing his concern for what is going on but still trying to play Obi at his own game at the same time. (He's maturing! We can see it!) and we can also see a bit more of Conya's fear as well as Obi trying to keep in control. I liked this a whole lot and it was interesting to see the guards reaction to what Obi said. Overall, this was a very good job.
I felt like we should've seen a bit more of Conya in this. All at the beginning we hear she is the one who is panicking and Obi is worried for her - and yet when we get there she doesn't even say anything for herself. Not a word! I wanted to have something more from her, something that might show us a bit more of her character. Speech, movement or something. I just feel like Conya's character is one that has been the most undeveloped and is still the most alien to us for the amount of mentions we get. She never really gets the full attention except in one chapter if I remember correctly, and I felt like this should've had a bit more spotlight on her. They may not be married or anything, but she is supposedly the woman he loves and she is scared. What is he going to do about it?
And even though you mention the house is being searched all the while, for some reason I find it fairly hard to visualise for myself. Downstairs seems to be pretty normal, but I am assuming they have already looked there. That means I want Obi to come in and see the damage, how everything has been ruffled and upturned. How much respect do these people have for Obi? Have they put everything back? Or is the sight something that gives away that Conya must've tidied up everything after them, or maybe even Lekan attempted to do it? And show us when he comes upstairs, again, what is happening. How many people are there in total looking around and tell us of some of the actions they are doing. That way we get to see the searching more and the idea of it hits home a bit more.
Hm, this was a bit confusing. I think it's because we read the sentence too quickly. Maybe having a comma after the second 'you' could offer a but of a pause and help the reader to make more sense of the sentence.
I still feel like this was posed as a question more than a statement, which means it would need a question mark. And if you wanted to clarify that it's a question more and put a bit of emphasis on Lekan's doubt you could even add a 'us, right?' on the end to make it seem more so.
I know what you wanted to say but I think for the message to come across this really needs to be one sentence. My suggestion: He smiled grimly - the monsters were very real this time.
Aside from the few points mentioned above, this was another brilliant chapter, Meg. I don't know how you do it but you always end up coming with these fabulous chapters that bring across more of the plot and character each time. I can't wait to read on and see what happens towards the end of this chapter. Will there be news of the princess?
Deanie x
I can't quite tell what is going on, but that is because I haven't been reading it. To me, it's always seemed that you didn't really describe the environment enough in this story. I feel lost in a mental maze. The only way I understand is to read through a second time and try to visualize things over again. I am a fairly lazy reader, and I will seldom read through things a second time unless I feel the need to because I wasn't paying attention. Here, when I am reading normally, the whole physical scene doesn't make sense. Perhaps it is only I, but I encourage you to look over a few of these sentences and see if you can appeal to the human senses a little more, especially to sight. I don't mean to be offensive, but I have troubling picturing this as I really don't with most books.
I'm sorry to be so critical, but this will likely help you. After you finish writing, do this: read your work aloud; and try, as well as you can, (It is hard for all of us writers.) to be unbiased. Pretend you're the reader. Don't put on an air of criticism or approval, but simply read your book as if it were not your book. Don't skim along it or read rapidly because you know what will happen next, but rather read patiently as if you were reading for leisure's sake and not to proofread.
On a different note, not every part of your book has been like that. For example, chapter 14 part 2 was better-described, in my opinion. Now, maybe I have been out of the loop. Perhaps you have already described this place thoroughly in a preceding chapter. At any rate, a few words describing the physical scene go a long way, even if you restate the scene just to refresh what the reader knows about the place. You don't need to elaborate, but remind the reader of what certain things look like. Also, I would like to know what sort of time period this is because, at this point, I'm imaging the 1700s. Anyway, keep writing, megsug. I'm sorry to be so negative, but I think my suggestions will help you.
By the way, there were some great parts. I especially liked all the dialogue. As usual, you did a good job with that; still, consider what I said. I hope your book goes well.
1. In the sentence: "but Rufolu was even more quick tempered" instead of writing even more quick just simply put down quicker.
2. In this sentence: "He smiled. “Guardsman, may I ask why this is all necessary?” please make sure to capitalize May like that.
3.I like the descriptive sections here and the search makes it mysterious.
4.At the end of this chapter I want to read more.Nice ending,"looking as stiff as ever."
5.Remember to indent every new paragraph or quotation/dialogue when a character is speaking.
6.I hope that this review helps and I encourage you to keep on writing.