Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
A/N: So, because I've approached world building on a when-I-come-up-with-it basis, I've described a detail that contradicts a few details in previous chapters. I'm aware of this, and will be editing when I get to the editing process.
Holding his breath as he balanced two cards on top of the peaks of four others, he moved slowly. He was on his knees now, wishing he had another deck of cards. He felt rather accomplished. He’d never thought he would be so talented. Stifling a yawn, he reached two more cards in the quickly dwindling deck. He wondered what Qui could be doing at such an hour. Most nobles weren’t up until nine or ten. Usually, they didn’t leave their houses until after the sun had reached its peak. Life in the desert took place later in the evenings when the temperature wasn’t as stifling. If questionable activities were to take place, they were best carried out in the early morning before the sun had risen or in the middle of the day when the sun was too much to bear.
Because the hotel’s prices kept any commoners from even dreaming of stepping into a room to do anything other than make a bed, Lekan hadn’t seen too many people in the hallway as of yet. With only a few exceptions, most of the people passing by him had seemed glad enough to pretend they hadn’t seen him. He assumed it had to do with the errand they were going on. He would bet that what they were about to do was worse than sit outside a whore’s door.
Sticking his tongue out just a bit, he added two more cards to his masterpiece. He turned to separate two cards from the six remaining and returned to a collapsed house. Looking up at Qui’s livid face, he frowned. “Was that really necessary? I don’t know if I’ll be able to repeat that. Don’t you think that was impressive?”
Glancing down the hallway to see if anyone was watching, Qui unlocked her door and glared at Lekan who was gathering his cards. She heard her breath catch in the quiet hall when she saw the back of the cards and wondered for one mortified moment if he had noticed. She didn’t worry for long. He stood, still straightening the cards, an easy smile fixed on his face. She motioned him into her room with a jerk of her wrist and hissed as he passed her. “What are you doing here?”
The room was only illuminated by the light from the hall. The windows must’ve been covered with heavy curtains because there was no hint of sunlight though Lekan was sure the sun had risen high enough to peer over the buildings surrounding the hotel. He cautiously made his way into the room, only able to make out the fuzzy suggestion of objects around the room. “You told me to meet you today.” He staggered to a stop when she closed the door, plunging the room into complete dark.
“I told you that I would find you.”
Lekan heard the snap of anger in her voice and the quick, efficient sounds of a drawer opening and closing. Hesitantly, he turned as she struck a match and studied her face in the undulating glow of the small flame. Somehow, he had made a mistake somewhere.
He was quickly becoming tired of the bewildered feeling that came with running into unexpected consequences. He wondered if that meant he was maturing somehow, not feeling as horrified at the thought as he had imagined he would. Maybe the consequences had just become more severe.
Qui was still. He could only assume she was staring at him. She had lit a candle as he was pondering his new mindset. Shaking her head with a derisive snort, she took a turn around the room, lighting candles along the way until the room blazed with light. A subtle scent that reminded him of desert mornings alone on the roof permeated the room.
“I know you said you’d find me, but I was bored.” He gave her a provocative smile. “You can’t be the only one to make a move.”
Regardless to say, her laugh was not what he had hoped to be the outcome of that statement. “I think your boredom has gotten you into enough trouble if you ask me, Lekan.” She slipped behind a gauze curtain that stretched across the room, blurring one third of the room.
He heard her light another match and saw shadows flicker upon the gauze as she stood in front of the flame. Unsure of what she expected him to do, he took two slow steps forward, stopping when he recognized the familiar soft scratch of a needle being placed on a record. A mellow trumpet whispered under the curtain. Did this mean she’d forgiven him for dropping in on her?
He was taking large strides toward the curtain when her voice stopped him, “Just sit on the couch over there, darling.” Her shadow pointed to the left.
Clenching his teeth against a sigh, he meekly made his way to the couch covered in dark leather that seemed strangely masculine for a woman’s room. He frowned as he quickly glanced around the room, taking in the rich rosewood drawers, wardrobes, and chests. The walls were a dusky red that seemed to suck the harshness of candlelight away. Paintings and tapestries came alive under the flicker of the flames. Lekan couldn’t tell much more than the fact that they seemed old and valuable. The floor seemed to be some kind of gleaming wood with a nice rug stretching out in the middle of the room. While the room was very classy, the style was decidedly masculine. He was comfortable here unlike some of the sitting rooms he’d perched in when he had attempted to court.
“Do you live here?” he asked, wondering if that question was as stupid as he felt it was.
She nodded.
He found his eyes glued to the curtain as she took off her veil and tried to remember if her hair had been down before she’d gone behind the gauze as she shook it. Eyes widening, he watched as she shimmed out of her dress. He licked his dry lips with a dry tongue.
“I’ll let you in on a few trade secrets because I like you.” Her voice swam through the air, soft and husky in the candlelight. She peeled a stocking off. “Always make your customer feel comfortable.” The other stocking fluttered to the floor, its shadow a butterfly on the curtain. “I cater mostly towards men, so I want men to be comfortable in my place of business.” She was holding a perfume bottle. Another scent joined that of morning. It was dark and warm.
Lekan felt like he was curling up in it.
“I also let them see what they want to see.”
Breath caught in his throat, Lekan stared as she gracefully pulled her shift over her head. He couldn’t take much more of this.
“Then I distract them.” She bent over and blew out a candle behind the curtain. Each flame went out, starting with a candle at Lekan’s arm and going around the room until the candle across the room went out.
He heard his own breathing, embarrassingly close to panting. His heartbeat thundered in his ears. He jumped when she whispered by his ear, lighting a match.
“And then I do what I want.”
In the glance he got before she shook the match out, he saw that she was completely clothed, veil and all.
She sat beside him in the dark, patting his hand almost maternally. “I hope you see that this could be used for more than prostitution, Lekan. I want you to try to use what I’ve told you.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Heya sugar, I see here that you only have 2 reviewers and so I am here top fix that.
Anyways, let's begin, shall we??
I have enbolded all of the "he" in this sentence. You have repeated it so many times, that all I noticed was he. I think that you wrote it none times in six sentences.
Why did Qui just ruin Lekan's masterpiece? I don't understand why she collapsed his hard work. Doesn't seem like she was making a friend in him? Hmm, maybe she should let him finish?
Don't you kind of think that Qui was a little to obvious here by literally telling Lekan what to do step by step? I mean she was going around the room and giving him instructions. Why isn't she more subtle, more like her character is throughout this whole novel? Maybe it looks good that she is being more direct. I don't know
You don't need somehow and somewhere. They are just to similar. I recommend getting rid of the somewhere, and the flew off the sentence will still be there. Read it out loud both ways.
Before Lekan was thinking about his new mindset and that he was maybe a bit more mature then before and now asks this stupid question
OK I'm confused here. How did the candles blue out? Did she go and bend to every candle separately or was it more like a domino affect? Hmm, care to clarify, sugar
Curling up in what? In the scent of the perfume bottle, or the leather chair that he is sitting on? I didn't reply connect/understand what is happening here.
I totally understand why Qui's room is very masculine, because many men use it and she in it.
OK I live this well-written chapter of your and there is no make mistakes that I could find. Your writing gets better and better with each chapter that I read and you really have improved and come a very long way from the first chapter. Lovely. <3 sugar
Anyways, that's it from me and I hope that this really helps out tidy up some things.
Hi there!
That scene with the card house made me laugh. I don't know why, but it did.
You should probably replace one of these words. Using one of these words is fine, but both of them in the same sentence is a bit repetitive. Obviously they don't mean the same thing, but they are both very broad terms.
Ah, so now Qui is being much more direct. Before, she was being very subtle with her approach, trying to gain Lekan's attention to other things in other ways. Now she has revealed that she is trying to do something much more with him. Of course, he probably won't understand why she did all that, but it's a start. He now knows that something is up and Qui wasn't just chasing after him to get him to come to her.
Again, there isn't much that I can say about this chapter. Stop writing such great chapters so I'll have something to say
Just one more chapter to go and I'll be all caught up!
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Heya Meg
Me again!
Yay! I am all caught up with the chapters *does a little dance to celebrate*
Well, Qui does have her own ways of teaching lessons. I wonder if Lekan is going to take this to heart or not, and I liked the idea of her teasing him. I also liked how Lekan was just thinking about his new mindset and wondering if he was maturing. I do believe he is, even though the lessons Qui and Obi have started haven't been going on for too long. I hope that after this chapter we're going to see more of Obi and his side of things too.
I immediately noticed that when we started this chapter, in the first paragraph, there was an awful lot of 'he'. Most of the sentences started like that and it got a bit repetitive. Try and fit in the name a bit more there, just to break the constant use of the same word. It's a small thing but it was noticeable, so best to get rid of it.
Comma needed between the words here and unlike. The only nitpick I could find!
You did say that a whole third of the room was cut off by this gauze that was hanging up. It must be a pretty big room then ^.^ But apart from knowing Qui was on the other side, wasn't Lekan curious to know what is out there as well? Before Qui shows a way of which the gauze comes in handy, doesn't he wonder why she does this to her room? I feel like that would've been some of my initial thoughts if I walked into such a place, and it would be good to see his reaction as well. Aside from that, I loved your description of the room. I can imagine the heavy smell, the darkness and the dark coloured furniture within. Brilliant ^.^
Again, I have to apologise for my reviews always being so short
Deanie x
Hello! I see this has no reviews, so I thought I'd drop by.
'She slipped behind a gauze curtain that stretched across the room, blurring one third of the room.' You should think about what your repetition here. You write 'room', then again not very long afterwards. It doesn't sound quite right to me, so I would suggest rewording your sentence.
'He was taking large strides toward the curtain when her voice stopped him, “Just sit on the couch over there, darling.” Her shadow pointed to the left.' I'm not certain, but I think there should be a full stop before the dialogue, rather than a comma.
'Clenching his teeth against a sigh, he meekly made his way to the couch covered in dark leather that seemed strangely masculine for a woman’s room.' This is quite a long, run-on sentence in my opinion. I think maybe breaking it up into two shorter sentences might be better. Up until 'that', keep it the sae, but then make the last part a separate sentence, replacing 'that' with 'it'.
'Paintings and tapestries came alive under the flicker of the flames.' I love this metaphor.
'“Do you live here?” he asked, wondering if that question was as stupid as he felt it was.' I got the impression this was his residence, rather than the girl's. I was a bit confused.
'gracefully pulled her shift. . .' I think you mean 'shirt', not 'shift'.
That is all I could see to work on. I can not wait to continue reading your work.