Qui knelt on a marble floor, her lips moving silently. Others around her were doing the same. No one gave her a second glance which was refreshing. The day had been long. The ordeal with Obi had been frustrating and, in all, fruitless. She had visited the different corners her sisters would congregate to start spreading the opinion Kamaria had wished her to pass along.
The older ones had hidden smiles, the pitying ones that made Qui want to scream. They knew what her game was, but they wouldn’t call her out on it. They all did what they needed to do to survive.
The younger ones may have bought it. They really didn’t seem to worry about politics that much at all right now. They were still in that stage of life where they thought being stupid was attractive. Soon they would learn that stupid girls just got worthless men.
Sighing, she looked up as a robed woman stood on the small dais. The quiet murmurings from other faithful followers slowly petered out, and it was completely silent, silent enough for to hear her take a deep breath.
The door banged open.
Qui twisted around, as outraged as the rest of them who muttered quietly. She raised an eyebrow at the wiry frame of Obi who was much louder than necessary.
“I practically paid for a new temple to be built. I’ll come in whenever I want,” he snapped so the whole congregation could hear.
Everyone was silent. It was well known that everyone was considered equal in the temple though the truth of that statement could be bent and twisted. Obi had no right to barge in so loudly when the service had already begun. It was also bad taste to announce how much he had given to the temple. He immersed his right hand in water that stood by the door with everyone watching him and made a quick survey of the room, acting as if everyone wasn’t staring at him.
Qui turned around when his eyes settled on her. She could hear the tapping of his shoes against the marble floor, saw them out of the corner of her eye as he stopped.
The priestess began her sermon.
Obi knelt.
Trying to ignore him, Qui focused on the priestess.
“Today we will be focusing on the saying ‘Do not rely so fully on thou eyes, youngling’ said by Lord Frendam renamed Terind, meaning blind one that can see. Terind was alive during a great time of strife for our nation. Much was going on in the spiritual realm that men did not know of as there is today. What Terind had to keep in mind, and what me must keep in mind today, is that factors that we’re not aware of shape everything that happens to us and around us. As Terind had to come to terms with the accident that rendered him blind so must we…”
The priestess was not Qui’s favorite. She stood completely still, her hands hidden in the voluminous folds of her sleeves. Her words were slow enough that it was easy to get lost in the pauses between and her voice soft enough to wander through the noises throughout the congregation. Coughs. Slight shifts as legs fell asleep.
Qui’s mind began to wander. She studied Obi without moving her head which was a bit of a strain on her eyes. He looked tired, like the day had been too many. His clothes, she realized with a frown, were not proper for a noble in temple. He wore a simple suit with no seal to mark his heritage. A man of his rank should be dressed in ceremonial robes or, at the very least, clothing that announced his rank through various decorations.
He seemed enthralled with the priestess’ sermon. His eyes did not wander. His body was relaxed. A slight wrinkle in his brow made her think something more was going on behind those intent eyes, but it could have just been intense concentration. She noticed his hands then, his fingers tapping out a frantic rhythm on his thighs.
His head twitched in her direction, and his fingers splayed across his legs for a moment before curling into tight fists.
Then he was still.
Fascinating.
She stopped looking at him, her eyes staying on the priestess though her mind was nowhere near her words.
Obi was not here in an attempt to get the gods on Lekan’s side then. She remembered his solemn face that morning- she felt like it had been so much longer- passing her as she went to talk to Kamaria.
She wondered what King Rofulo could have wanted.
The priestess’ words floated through her mind, winding their way through Qui’s contemplations, “Terind’s reaction to the accident he unnamed carpenter causes and the set of events that follows illustrates how imperative it is not to jump to conclusions too quickly. A number of things could be occurring a man or woman’s life at the time you’re involved. Learn the whole story before you decide you know what has occurred…”
Glancing at Obi again, Qui nodded to herself. What circumstances were pushing Obi to act as he was?
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,817 Reviews
Hi there!
I feel obligated to say that I think I got entirely the wrong impression of Obi up until the previous two chapters. I'm not sure if you intended it that way, but that's how it is. He's a noble, sure, but he seemed like such a normal, down to earth noble to me in the beginning. Sure he was manipulating Lekan by having Qui teach him how to protect himself, but that's all I saw from him that was like that. The rest of his words and actions seemed normal to me. Nothing overbearing, nothing pompous or self-centered. But now he's turning out to be a nobleman that I've now come to hate. Okay, maybe I don't totally hate him, but I am slightly annoyed by him. And it bugs me because he didn't used to be like that. I know that people change and everything, but I feel like this is a huge change. Maybe it was just me finding the good in everyone (yes, even the characters in stories) that led me to believe he was better than that. But it seems like we're getting the real Obi here now.
I absolutely love this scene. Here Obi comes, just sauntering into the temple like he owns the place. Which I guess, according to him he does :3 And then Qui catches sight of him and just studies him. How. awesome. is. that. Very, I tell you, very. It's not what I was expecting at all. To be honest, I never know what to expect. But I didn't see this coming at all. And that thing he does with his hand? Just, wow. It's the little things that really make a story work. Although I do have to agree with Deanie. I don't see how Qui could've possibly known what Obi was there for. Could she assume that he wasn't there because of Lekan based on how he paid such attention to the sermon? Yes. Can she prove that that's why? No. The way it's written right now makes it look like a sure thing, which it's not.
I'm so glad we've gotten back to Qui's perspective. Wasn't it just in my last review that I mentioned us not seeing her or Lekan for a while??
I'm so good at guessingIt's been a while, but that's fine. You wrapped up her part well the last time we saw her, so it's not like we've been sitting here waiting for her to spill a secret or something for the past however many chapters. I think that's the best way to do it. If you're going to keep someone away for a while it has to be because they're not important in the events of the story at that time. Which, of course, Qui wasn't.I have to admit, I'm having a hard time imagining what exactly you mean by this. Either he's looking at her or he's not. I think you mean he looked real quick and then looked away? It's a bit confusing as it stands.
Overall you have another great chapter here. Or, part of a chapter, really
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Hi Meg!
Goodness, I am far behind. Oh well, let's do my best to catch up then. I just hope you didn't think I'd deserted your story
As always, another lovely chapter from you. I am glad we've zoomed back into Qui's point of view, and it was interesting to see her within the church. I am surprised no one made a fuss of her being there - usually people don't like those of her kind being in holy places, but then again I guess everyone is supposed to be welcomed. I am also curious to know why Obi has gone there, possibly to talk to Qui but I guess we will get to see soon. And we also got a snippet of what religion in a place like that is like... interesting.
One thing that would've been nice would be to have a better description of the setting. I didn't really understand where they were, or what the inside of the temple looked like. We have never seen it from the outside either, but that doesn't matter too much. I gathered what the priestess wore and how everyone was either kneeling or probably sitting in pews. But was this the kind of temple that looked more simplistic, or was it covered in stain glass windows, majestic paintings and statues, or...? This would all add to the world building because we get to see their religion, hear about what they believe and the place they do it in. It's essential to know these things so we don't feel like we're missing out on anything in the story.
I felt a bit confused when Qui said that she knew Obi wasn't there to pray for the Gods to be in Lekan's favour. I don't understand what about his hand movements would indicate that in the slightest, especially as he also seems absorbed in what is being said. So maybe this needs to be better explained, and you can show us what hint she gets which backs up Qui's reasoning?
Comma needed after the word 'glance.'
Hm, I feel like Qui should have a moment where she wonders why the queen even bothered to tell her to do what she did. She knows that the younger ones are eating it up but don't have much say in the matter, and that the elders know what she is doing. So doesn't it seem supposedly pointless? Or will the people still listen, regardless of whether they believe it or not? But if everyone who needs to is seemingly seeing through her, I feel like she should feel frustrated at the pointlessness of even bothering to spread the rumours.
Qui says it is rude for Obi to march in and declare what he said about donating to the temple. And that he is even wearing the wrong clothes. So does she doubt his beliefs in any way? Does she think he might be donating to keep up good appearances, but doesn't himself believe? It may not be too relevant to the story, but I feel like Qui would be the type of person to try and find out things like that.
I think you mean 'too much.'
You're missing the little word 'a' between the last two in the sentence.
I don't have much else to say! I am still enjoying this story and intending to get to the other chapters as soon as I can. Keep up the good work, and make sure you make those weekly posts
Deanie x
This was very well written with lots of detail. It made me feel like I was in the temple. There a few things you should look into though. Can you maybe describe the temple a little better in this chapter? I'm sorry if you have already described it in detail in a previous chapter (This is the first chapter of "The Veil" that I have read.) But even if you already did you may want to do a summery of the temples description from the last chapter just to refresh the reader's memory. If I were you I would change the names of the characters a little, they make me think this is a "Star Was" fan-fiction. I mean if it is a "Star Wars" fan-fiction then you can keep the names just as they are but if It's not I would change them. I enjoyed reading this and I hope you continue this story line.
First off I love your description. Her thoughts jump around and us readers a chance to see how she thinks. I can tell that she doesn't like Obi to well (I haven't read any previous chapters). I didn't get why you said thing about the younger ones but If I'm missing something please tell me.
Another thing is the fact the sermon. I think you could have made it a bit more descriptive. I know it was suppose to be boring but that doesn't mean it cant be described.
"His head twitched in her direction, and his fingers splayed across his legs for a moment before curling into tight fists.
Then he was still.
Fascinating."
This was confusing. what was so fascinating about him being still? Why did he twitch his head in her direction? Just some questions I would answer.
Overall it was very good. Keep up the good work.