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The Veil - Chapter 31 Part 2

by megsug


Lekan’s mother smiled at him as he sat down across from her. She didn’t even acknowledge his raised brow. Obi prowled to one side of the table and motioned for him to sit down across from Conya.

He lowered himself into the hard wooden chair slowly, offhandedly wondering how she could look so comfortable in one as he did so. “You’re going to waste my time on small talk?” he asked with a grimace.

Rolling his eyes, Obi shook his head emphatically. “No. I told you it’s the best way at getting information.” He waved at Conya. “She’s the daughter of one of the many minor princes the king of Valod recognizes. This prince seems to have some acute knowledge of the workings of Valodian expansion plans-”

“That doesn’t seem like dinner conversation. Why would she know anything about that?” Lekan smiled smugly at Obi’s surprised expression. “I’m not stupid, Uncle Obi. Merely too lazy to think very much. Those are two very different traits. I’d appreciate the distinction.” He turned at his mother’s snort though when he looked at her, she was completely straight faced.

Obi allowed a soft glance her way before continuing, “I was about to get to that, but since you seem to have a grasp on the concept, I’ll jump ahead. Obviously, she isn’t going to have the exact information you want, but maybe she’s seen a certain compatriot of her fathers that has been coming to her home on a fairly regular basis, or maybe she’s noticed a map in her father’s study. Whatever it is, the fact remains that she is a door to information you need. It may be a very small door or a door leading to an empty room except for yet another door on the far wall, but she could be the chance of progress. You have to handle her as such.” He rested a hand on the back of Conya’s chair. “Your mother knows what information she will be telling you and is assuming the character of a woman around your age who isn’t aware of your employment as a spy but is aware of your nationality. Thus, she is wary. You two are eating over a meal a mutual friend put on and have had minimal previous contact. Your mission is to gain her trust and get what information you can out of her without her being the wiser.

“Obviously there could be more optimal circumstances where the individual you were getting information from would be truly clueless, but that is not possible at this time.”

Lekan marveled at Obi’s dry professionalism. The man was bordering emotionless. He wondered if there was anything that made his uncle feel something other than irritation. As Obi continued lecturing on, Lekan’s eyes drifted to his mother. At some point, his uncle’s hand had shifted from the back of her chair to her shoulder, and his thumb was now rubbing gently across it. His mother seemed completely relaxed at the touch. He frowned.

There had been times when she had flinched away from a movement he had made too quickly, scared of her own son.

“Lekan?” Her frown mirroring his snapped him out of his thoughts and back to Obi’s disapproving stare.

“Did you get any of what I said?”

Rolling his eyes, Lekan nodded. “Of course. Let’s get started. What role do you play?”

Obi shook his head, but didn’t try to repeat anything he had just said. “I am the voice in the back of your head you won’t have when you’re alone in Valod.” He crossed his arms, removing his hand from Conya’s shoulder. Somehow, it still bothered Lekan. “When you need help or don’t know where to progress, I’ll try to give you a push in the right direction. Ready to begin?”

Conya was so at ease. She didn’t jump when Obi’s arm brushed the back of her chair as he walked around the table.

Lekan frowned. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Tilting her head, Conya smiled charmingly. “Lord Eshe, it’s so nice to see you again.”

Lekan could imagine how skilled she had been at wrapping men around her finger before marriage and motherhood. The way her eyes were slanted at him now, something about how her irises were just barely hidden by her lashes and how her face wasn’t directly turned toward him though she was obviously completely focused on him made her more attractive than he had ever been aware of before.

He started speaking before he could get yelled at for not replying fast enough. “Miss… Ah… Miss…” Glancing at Obi, he grimaced at the cool raised eyebrow he hated so much.

“I told you her name was Piline Kicinod. Valodians refer to each other as their title plus their first name. Miss is correct in this instance at least.”

Lekan must have missed the name when he was daydreaming about Obi’s hand on his mother’s shoulder… so strange. “Ah… Miss Piline. I have been waiting to speaking to you again. Our first conversation was so riveting.” Strange indeed.


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Sun May 10, 2015 6:08 am
Deanie wrote a review...



Hi Megsug!

I was just thinking I haven't come to this novel in a while, so it's time I stopped by ;) I like how Lekan is pretty willing to go along with the idea of small talk, and that his attention shifted towards the relationship between Obi and Conya. It's not that he is disapproving quite, but that he is jealous that his mother can seem so at ease with him when at times she doesn't even seem to be at ease around her own son. I wonder if there will be a Conya and Lekan moment here, because I do think that is going to be necessary somewhere along the lines. I am also interested to see what the results of this small talk lesson are going to be.

I am going to agree with Blackwood and say we should see more of the dinner activity. But they wouldn't actually be eating seeing as this is sort of midday. So maybe they have lunch together? And I get the impression that even then the food wouldn't be out until they started talking. So I'm not sure here. Up to you!

He lowered himself into the hard wooden chair slowly, offhandedly wondering how


There's always been that rule against adverbs, but I have never been too bothered with them too much. But here is where they stood out to me too much, so we should get rid of them. Slowly and offhandedly are right next to each other. My suggestion would be to alter the end of the sentence to make it say the same thing without having to use the adverb. For example: slowly, his mind wondering how... etc.

He turned at his mother’s snort though when he looked at her, she was completely straight faced.


I just felt like 'though' was the wrong conjunction in this sentence. It would've made more sense with but instead.

Whatever it is, the fact remains that she is a door to information you need. It may be a very small door or a door leading to an empty room except for yet another door on the far wall,


I like the analogy you are using and I do think it is good to get the point across this way. But personal I got lost with all the mentions of 'door'. I think that began after the word 'except'. What I believe you to mean is that although it seems like this whole idea is going nowhere with the prince's daughter, in the end it might lead to something more. How about adding in a phrase to extend the sentence and have the reader take a break from having to understand? For example making it: or a door leading to an empty room. But you'll never know if what seems like nothing actually leads on to more unless you try. In that example we don't have the word door again so we can't get confused with the analogy.

Lekan marveled at Obi’s dry professionalism. The man was bordering emotionless.


I didn't get the impression that Obi was emotionless at all? Mostly because we aren't getting the focus on the tone of his voice or his face expression - all we are seeing is snapshots of the actions he is involved in with Conya. You need to tell us how flat his voice was and that his face looked focused on Lekan's and didn't change no matter what he said. In that case, we will be shown that he is emotionless instead of being told it. I think telling works to some degree, as long as you show things to back up what you are saying.

Her frown mirroring his snapped him out of his thoughts


This just felt like an odd way to phrase what you wanted to say in my opinion. My suggestion is to switch around words like: When he snapped out of his thoughts her frown mirrored his own. That way we switch up the order of the sentence but get the same implications.

The way her eyes were slanted at him now, something about how her irises were just barely hidden by her lashes and how her face wasn’t directly turned toward him though she was obviously completely focused on him made her more attractive than he had ever been aware of before.


I hope it isn't just me, but I do find it weird that he is calling his mother. I don't really have any occasions where in my mind I think my father is attractive O.o I would say that she is doing all these sly things, but in the end you give the reader the impression she is attractive without Lekan actually saying it for us. For example, you could have Conya's actions remind us of Qui, and that would give us the same impression. Or maybe say that she was demanding attention in a way that wasn't including any shouting, but simply her presenece. Those are all possible ways of saying the same thing.

And also, I would like to touch upon your wording here. Again, it doesn't seem to flow quite right for me. I would much rather read: It was something about the way her eyes were slanted at him now - at how her irises were barely hidden by her lash and her face wasn't directly turned toward him that reminded him of Qui. Even if she was angled away (I'm doing this to shorten the rather long sentence) she was still completely focused on him.

I had a lot of little details to fuss about when it came to word order and flow, but otherwise this chapter was a very good one. It seems like Lekan is really getting his lessons down to pat. I'll be back for more soon!

Deanie x




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Sun Apr 26, 2015 4:00 am
Blackwood wrote a review...



Yo Megs. How are you?
I'm good, I see you are still progressing along with this which is fantastic. I'm going to attempt to review this part, I just picked it at random, which is probably making it difficult for me since it's part 2. But I will stop complaining.

First, much of what I see here is good. I can't say anything bad about it, it gets the scene across, and generally does what you want it to do. I think that what could be improved on is only in addition rather than changes. In this scene, at a dinner table, I feel like each character doesn't have a very big presence in the space. I feel like you need to build up the setting, what they are eating, how they are sitting, what lays in between them and everyone else. It sort of seems like a static blank table where they are having a conversation. Does Obi dig into a nice healthy leg of chicken between Dialogue? Does Lekan prod nervously at his plate? Or does he scoff down his boiled squid eyes with confidence? Is the room hot? Is it getting hot in here? That attractive girl is surely turning up the heat, but in your story she was only attractive right at the end.
On that note, you do have interaction between the characters, like when the uncle touches the mothers shoulder, but I feel like its not enough, and they could still very well be in this static blank table room. Maybe you gave more attention to setting in part 1 of this chapter, but if you had done an info dump description of the room and table and food, it would be better if yおu extend it in bits across the whole chapter, including this part. Rather than telling, let us feel the atmosphere of the dinner room.

I didn't spot anything out of the blue with the grammar. There was a couple of really long sentences however.
For example

“Your mother knows what information she will be telling you and is assuming the character of a woman around your age who isn’t aware of your employment as a spy but is aware of your nationality.
 While it all makes sense, I found myself having to go back and read it three times, not because it was confusing but rather because I had lost the train of what I had just read, and I had to manually go and piece it together into a sentence later, rather than it coming naturally to me.

The end of this seems a bit randomly sudden. I thought they were at the dinner table then obi is now all of a sudden standing up (When did he stand up?) and are they all leaving? I t feels like dinner is supposed to be wrapping up from what you wrote, but nobody is saying anything about it? Just all a little sudden. Otherwsie great work. あんdKeep it up :D




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Mon Apr 13, 2015 4:07 am
spidey790 says...



I just got on this site. Your story is the first I've read. I have one sentence for you. Your story is so cool I could read it all day! If anyone is reading this, this story is perfect.





It's like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind