Dalki blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dim room, following the nobleman with the bodyguard, Mr. Surly, at her back. She got a glimpse of a smoky room full of boisterous men before she was ushered upstairs. Someone catcalled, and she felt her face burn.
The nobleman paused on the stairs and called down, winking lasciviously before grabbing her hand and bounding up the rest of the stairs where rooms branched off of a dark, narrow hallway.
Her heart started to pound as Mr. Surly got closer to her. Had she run into something without thinking close enough to the consequences? Why had she agreed to accompany two men to a room where she couldn’t run away? Panic clawed through her ribs and scalded her throat as the nobleman unlocked a door and opened it for her.
When she didn’t move, Mr. Surly nudged her forward. The nobleman, Lord Smug, she decided as her mind whirled for escape when he gave her a knowing smirk.
Drawing her dagger again as she finally managed to jump into action, she brandished it boldly. “I know how to use this,” she said just because she had to say something to break their ominous silence.
Mr. Surly snorted, and Lord Smug blinked slowly as if he was confused by the events taking place before smiling pityingly. It was too obvious that the line was a desperate one. “I thought you wanted the job,” he said softly as if talking to something wild.
She had jumped at this job opportunity to get away from Mr. Condrieves heavy, hungry stare and the constant threat he and his men were. She was not going to go from one assailant to another.
“Girl,” Lord Smug hissed, looking down his nose at her, “I have a legitimate job for you. Do you want to draw more attention than you already have?” No longer were his eyes laughing. They were hard and determined.
Dalki hesitated.
He shook his head. “I knew a woman- a child- couldn’t be trusted.” He rolled his eyes at Mr. Surly. “She didn’t even get to hear what we were going to pay her a fortune to do.”
She stiffened, anger she tried and failed to control many times in her childhood growing. “Good instincts aren’t something to be scoffed at.”
Sighing, he shrugged. “Unless they’re wrong, and you’re throwing away your first chance to get out of the hellhole you’re in now.” His eyes were flat and baring down on her.
Surprise slapped her face. She had underestimated him or perhaps overestimated herself if he could read that off of her.
He raised a cool eyebrow. “Look at that.” He glanced at Mr. Smug. “My guess was right.”
Her breath coming fast and catching in her throat, Dalki tried to catch up and take hold of her emotions that she knew were sprawling across her face. Outrage. Fear. Worry. Unease.
Lord Smug reached out as if to brush her shoulder, stilling when she flinched away. “Come into the room, please. You’ve made fool enough of yourself. You’re lucky I’ll consider hiring you after these shenanigans.” His soft voice, first cool and comforting hardened with each word until Dalki felt like she’d been struck.
She ducked her head and went through the door.
Lord Smug followed her and turned to Mr. Surly. “Three knocks if anyone suspicious comes up.” He closed the door with Mr. Surly stoically standing outside.
More panic wrapped itself around her ribcage, making each breath a little painful. Somehow, being left alone with Lord Smug was more frightening than being with both of the men. While it was obvious that Mr. Surly was dedicated to his lord, Dalki hadn’t been as uneasy with him as she was with the nobleman.
He was looking out the single dirty window out onto the almost empty street. Puffs of red dust were being blown about though the air in the room was hot and still. “It almost feels like a storm’s coming,” he murmured though it seemed to Dalki that he wasn’t speaking to her or of the weather. He faced her, expression solemn. “Or perhaps it’s already here. Sometimes it feels like I haven’t felt rain in so long that I wouldn’t recognize it if it actually came.”
She shifted uneasily, keeping silent since she didn’t know what to say in reply.
“I’ll be honest with you, child. I’m desperate. Perhaps you don’t know that I wouldn’t even consider you if you weren’t, but that’s the truth. I wouldn’t. You’re desperate. People like you are always desperate.”
She wanted to snap at that insult, but she held her tongue though she couldn’t quite master the glower that set upon her face.
Obi tapped his long forefinger against his leg as he studied her closely enough to make her want to squirm until she did allow herself to let her eyes wander. He pulled out cigarettes, took one out, felt around his pockets before grunting and putting it between his lips unlit. “You’re obviously untrained, and I have no time to train you. You’re clever, and you’re bold. I hope you’ve noticed that I haven’t given you a name. If you get caught, I will not be taken down with you. I will not be coming to your rescue.” His eyes were still and grave even as his hands moved somewhat erratically, taking the cigarette from his mouth to rest between his elegant fingers only to return it a few moments later, brushing through his hair, dancing at his legs, interlocking together tightly enough for his skin to lose its color.
He was nervous, she realized with a jolt. “What do you need me to do?” she murmured, wondering if she wanted to get into this after all. The nobleman seemed to be in serious trouble.
“I need you to kidnap a girl for me.”
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,831 Reviews
Hi Megsug!
Yay! Thanks for letting me know when this was posted. I love getting notified and not having to search for it ^^ Anyway, let's dive in to what I can possibly say about this chapter. First off, let me tell you it is almost as flawless as the rest of them. Lovely descriptions. You do a perfect job at showing us how Obi is old at this game he plays with people, and makes mistakes, and yet is still the master of it and can read people so well. I love it, and you show us the balance well. I also really liked seeing thing from Dalki's perspective, and mentally cringed when she pulled out her sword. I could just imagine the scene unfolding, her own panic and then the realization that she had done something completely unnecessary in the fray of it all. Oh! And lovely symbolism in the whole storm coming, storm already there bit. ^.^
I liked seeing Obi tease the rest of the people below them. I did feel like the word stairs being repeated here in the same sentence was a bit noticeable though, and might be better off switched to a synonym of some sort, or another word.
Speaking of repetition, you wouldn't believe how many times the word nobleman appeared in this chapter. I liked the idea of nicknames and how they also played an important role, and that avoided a lot od repeating. But I do think the word nobleman could be cut down a few more times so it isn't popping up everywhere.
I would get rid of the 'did' in this sentence make 'allow' 'allowed' instead. It just flows better that way when you read it.
Hm, the only other thing I could mention wanting a bit more of here is the setting. They just entered this room and they're talking, but I can't really imagine them being there and it, and that's because there was never enough of a description for me to feel like I did know where they were.
Apologies for this being so short. There really is nothing else for me to say, except keep at this ^^
Deanie x
Hi Megsug! I've finally decided to get my fifth star by getting your work out of the green room.
Hee hee. This chapter was certainly well written. I must say, you do have a lovely writing style and your words seemed to flow smoothly. Even though I jumped in at a sudden development, I'm glad I did. I certainly do enjoying reading this. If you remember, on the Pokémon review day, one of the quick rope escape things to help you review said: "Do you find you can understand the story?" (even though you, me, has jumped in and not read any other chapters.) and I can say I do understand it to a certain extent. It hasn't baffled me. But that shows you are good, clear writer. Well done!
Dalki blinked as her eyes adjusted to the dim room, following the nobleman with the bodyguard, Mr. Surly, at her back. - this is clever. Instead of using "he" too much, you put in "Mr. Surly". I find that funny.
The nobleman paused on the stairs and called down, winking lasciviously before grabbing her hand and bounding up the rest of the stairs where rooms branched off of a dark, narrow hallway. - "winking" is naturally a sexual or amusing action, so putting "lasciviously" feels like you are telling us instead of showing it as we know what "winking" is related to.
Panic clawed through her ribs and scalded her throat as the nobleman unlocked a door and opened it for her. - I found this really effective and clever. Instead of just saying, "she panicked", you brought it to life. I like that.
It was too obvious that the line was a desperate one. “I thought you wanted the job,” he said softly as if talking to something wild. - remember, dialogue is usually in a new paragraph. It is only used after a short sentence or two on odd occasion
She had jumped at this job opportunity to get away from Mr. Condrieves heavy, hungry stare and the constant threat he and his men were. - this either needs to be "Condrieves' " or "Condrieve's" as the stare belongs to him.
Obi tapped his long forefinger against his leg as he studied her closely enough to make her want to squirm until she did allow herself to let her eyes wander. - I felt that now, after calling him Lord Smug for this time, you calling him "Obi" was a bit random. Especially when this chapter is focused somewhat on Dalki. It is up to you, but for this part, I's keep it to Lord Smug until he tells her his name.
Another wonderful and intruding chapter! Keep it up!
Yours sincerely,
Traunt