Conya fluttered her eyelashes. “What an impression to leave for just a few words spoken to each other in passing.”
Indeed… Lekan frowned. Obi had only been back in the country for a few months. How had his uncle and mother gotten so close so quickly? He smiled as broadly as he could. “What can I say? You have quite the pull. I must have been drawn to you.” He knew his tone was off when Obi frowned.
“Make sure you sound sincere, not like you’re going to lure her into the shadows to ravish her. Now she doesn’t know if you’re being sarcastic or if you’re dangerous,” Obi offered softly, blinking slowly as Lekan’s gaze shot up to meet his.
Feeling something dangerous burning under his skin, Lekan had trouble returning his eyes to his mother who was watching him carefully. Unlike Obi, she could tell something was off, and she was confused. Lekan could see it in the wrinkle between her eyes. He wanted to slam the table across the room, demand if she was truly confused or just pretending to be the caring mother even though she was changing. She was so different than the woman he had followed around the city dutifully, always amazed at how she could weave through a crowd without making a ripple or causing a disturbance. He’d always thought she was most beautiful when she was in the middle of a crowd and yet making no impact on it at all as if she was ethereal, above the muck and mire of reality. Her light skin compared to his father’s and his own skin had lonely made him more convinced that she was not one of them.
Yet here she was, playing one of Obi’s silly games with them. She would have never done so before. She wouldn’t have even come into the room if Obi was his father.
It had been silent too long. It was very likely that she had said something, and they were both waiting. He tried to pause, tried to assess why he was so angry. He understood that his father hadn’t been good to her. He understood that Obi had gone out of his way to make life easy for Conya and himself. He found the one thing that was burrowing under his skin, making him itch and burn with an anger he couldn’t quite reach.
She was paying more attention to Obi than she was him.
He was about to go off to Velod and probably kill himself, but even now, during this stupid exercise that was supposed to be helping him, his mother and uncle were sharing a glance. The room was stifling. For some odd reason the curtains were open, letting the sun heat the room. Lekan swore he could feel the air vibrating around him. He could see a gardener through the window, taking care of the native desert plants that the Eshe family had clung to even though shrubbery and flowers were very popular. The lights weren’t on inside though. It seemed very dark.
Who knew how long the silence had stretched on now. They could have been monologuing this entire time, and Lekan would have had no idea. It was a skill he had developed.
They hadn’t been monologuing though because now that he gave the effort to listen, he could hear a maid singing halfway down the hall. Obi and Conya were looking at him expectantly. He opened his mouth, paused, thought.
“Miss Picine, are you aware that you murdered your husband?” He thought he’d been thinking, but the words that slipped out seemed unrelated to the words that had been running through his mind. The room had frozen.
The sun quickly thawed it, and Conya straightened, raising an eyebrow, laughing. “Lord Lekan, I think you got your titles mixed up. Miss signifies a woman who has never been married.”
“Because you want to forget you ever were married?” He glanced up at Obi. “Both of you want to forget.” Frozen again. Obi seemed to be stuck between two breaths. Conya was in the process of becoming angry.
Finally Obi cleared his throat. “Miss Picine is a fictional character, Lekan. I know it’s strange to do this with your mother, but we don’t have much choice at this point. You should-”
“Did he know?” Lekan pointed at Obi while staring at his mother. “Did you two plot it out together? One little tumble down the stairs, and he could have control while you could have him. You useless son wouldn’t get in the way, of course.”
Obi was forgotten now, a gasp in the corner of the room. Conya’s face, surprised then resigned then livid, was Lekan’s entire focus. He smirked at her silence. “Don’t know what to say to that, do y-”
She slapped him, standing suddenly, an angel above him. “How dare you. Your uncle has only been charitable to you, and I have tried to be supportive, but you turn away from us again and again. Get out. I have no taste for your ingratitude. Leave.”
Lekan stared at her, mouth slightly open. He stood slowly as her glare only hardened. “Yes ma’am.” He turned and left.
End of chapter
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Heya Megsug!

Just one more chapter after this one to review! I am going to be posting a mini review here where I am close to the point and quick. Hope you still find it handy
In this one I am feeling a bit torn. I am seeing things from Lekan's point of view. It must be hard on him to realise that his mother is giving so much of her attention to Obi at the current time while is going through hardships. It's never easy to see his mother moving on. And as well as all that he is trying to cope with the prospect of likely dying as well as the fact that he is feeling neglected. But at the same time he doesn't even take his mothers reasons for why she couldn't love his father as much into account, and doesn't even know the full story (which I am looking forward to having revealed in the future!). And then we have Conya who is probably reeling after that attack on her and is trying her best for her son in ways that... actually in ways I don't know. By letting Obi do his thing I guess? I am not sure what Conya in particular has done actually, so if she has done anything it might be worthy to make it more memorable.
I did lose a sense of time periods when it came to this chapter. You mention that he hasn't said anything in response to what he was asked for a long time. But it was difficult to grasp how long that time period was. Was it that it felt like ages in his mind but was only seconds in reality (the one I assumed it was, because if it was really ages then I am sure that Obi or Conya would've said something at that point) or was it really a long time. Clarify this a bit more so you don't leave your readers suspended in that time period.
I feel like the 'though' in there seems oddly thrown in, and kind of shatters the effect of the sentence. How about changing the sentence to something like: They hadn't been monloguing because now that he actually listened...
Um... where is the anger to go with her slap? I am not saying that this whole thing needs to be sprinkled with exclamations marks, but it does have to be sprinkled with some of them. I need to feel her anger and right now her dialogue is not really working up to it. I also found Conya's initial reaction to laugh pretty astounding. Even amongst the anger I would've liked to see a hint of sadness or regret or something in there in fond memory of her husband. And if nothing is showing up, I want Lekan to look in her face and realise she really doesn't care before he says yes ma'am and gets up and goes. I want to know where she stands emotionally before the end of this chapter.
That's all I have to say for this chapter! I will get around to reading the last chapter that's out!
Deanie x
Egs!
) but it makes me sad to see this still in the Green Room after almost a month. I also think you're a "worthy" writer to receive my first review after this ghastly hiatus I've been on. c:
~ Lonely? "Only" might be a clearer word choice in this sentence.I am not caught up with this story by a long shot. I haven't had time to read it and I'm still pleading finals have fried my brain and are preventing it from remembering any useful details about interesting things, like your story (though I could describe the respiration of frogs in detail, if you were interested
~ Meaning that he learned how to completely ignore people to the point of not even being aware they were speaking? That's fair, but not entirely clear. Maybe if you inserted a little more in between the first and second sentences that I quoted right here, like a "It might not have been a silence at all, for all he knew."
Also, just a bit of a technicality (but that's my specialty-- being anal and pointing out minutia no one cares about), but doesn't "monologue" imply that one person is speaking for a long period of time? How could "they" have been monologuing, then? Maybe swap it for something like "lecturing him" or something, so that it can reasonably be a "they" activity?
~ <3 I can't express how much I love this sentence. It's fantastic. You captured this feeling very nicely... something I can relate with very much. Well done.
~ ~ ~
Ooooooh, drama. I like that you split this chapter up into three parts so this could be a short, tasty little bite of drama, not drawn out with a terribly long description of plot. This is an emotionally charged snapshot that's a fun read.
You don't leave us with much of a cliffhanger, but if I had read the rest of the story up to this point (sorry...) I have a feeling I would eagerly be "turning the page" to go to the next chapter in hopes of seeing some Conya/Obi drama going on.
So, yeah, as I haven't read the rest of the story I'm not going to comment on plot. The characters seem believable enough and have a consistent tone throughout this short part of a chapter, though, and the emotions seem realistic. It was a very well written piece, as usual.
Keep writing (and get on chat more >:c )!
~Shady
Well that was awkward.
You know that feeling you get when you get caught in a room where the tension is so thick you can practically take a bite out of it? Your writing just created that room. So good. This is the first I have read of your story and I am blown away. I actually read through this chapter a couple times looking for anything I could offer you tips on and I only came up with one thing.
Here it is;
His skin had lonely. I don't know if you can actually use lonely this way but it tripped me up when I was reading. It sounds like his skin is lonely, where what you are trying to say is his skin alone. Some times it is better to just go with the simple way of stating it, rather than getting all fancy.
And as far as corrections that all I got. However, it a few spots your writing was so sweet I just have to mention them.
{quote] Feeling something dangerous burning under his skin, [/quote]
The mental picture there is beautiful as is this one.
Such a creative way of making the tension in the air known to the reader.
I see what you did there, you used the atmosphere to convey a mood. *Squeal* I am so happy right now. Good writing makes me happy.
Again, so creative, such a awesome way to describe a shocked person who you don't to be the focus of the scene.
I love how Lekan sees his mother. It is, just, wow. That's all I can say.
Thanks for posting this. I hope you get lots of reviews.
And stars. Lots of stars.
Happy writing.
-DG