Young Writers Society

Hey Rook, just want you to know this is one of my all time favorite YWS poems and I still think about it!

Righto, Forticuno,

Let's slam right on in and say that while I understand what you're doing with the sectioning and letting us read it however we want, it's so unlikely we're going to take it anyway that isn't left to right in the Western way. Give me more than what you've given me. Throw the lines to the side, shudder the columns up and down and to the side. I want more even from this creative use of format.

Your narrator is stiff, formal even as we're being invited into their world. We're struggling against that rigid language as we read through. "Usually I feel like an only child" why usually? When we understand that it won't be always because nothing ever is, it's not literal, it's figurative. The usually is clunky for me. And then I'd strip the "because" we know this is the because as it follows your statement and leads into memory. The second column is all statements, no flow. Damaged by your punctuation maybe? This isn't a piece that needs clear punctuation, much like you've eschewed capital letters. I dunno what's going on with "shin-ed" in the third column. I don't like it, it breaks up what we're reading and makes me confused about whether I've just missed some key element.

Some of your lines are really... they're too thick? "wetting my cheeks" you can do better than that. "an example... not to be" is excellent, that works really well for me, as does your beautiful title and your final line. Those are rad. But pitted throughout the work is a bunch of weak lines that don't say anything strongly enough to want to be remembered. You're writing to someone and it looks like the narrator is speaking but the language isn't actually like dialogue. And I know you're really writing to someone inside the heart, rather than a letter or the like, but it still feels wrong. Where is the heart here? I feel it, and I see the lines that shape it, but I can't touch it, I touch this glass box it's hiding behind. Strip it down, give us the heart all vein and blood.

The font you've chosen is unattractive but I dig the typewriter look you have going on.

I want to get my hands dirty with this poem, but you're not letting us. Loosen it up, consider word choice and how strong you want to be here. You have some beautiful lines but some really forgettable ones, prune.

I feel like a beast having written that. But I hope it helps!
♥♥

Fort.

That title <3 so much love. Where are you escaping to with these ideas? I get the impression that the speaker sort of contemplates these lines as she is sitting watching the moon at night, and so the title itself sort of hits me pretty hard and we've not yet begun the piece. That is a good sign. It is a strange idea though with the idea of an only-child earth, because the moon revolves around the earth, they seem so close :'c

Satira mentioned the swirls line, I absolutely love the imagery. Nom, nom, nom. It does have a lot of prepositions cluttering it, you can maybe clean it up by removing the porch bit: raindrops sliding off wooden shingles (pooling or mixing, pick one) with that brown-red dust... That could help? Grain of salt.

Other than that, the rest of the poem flows so smooth and I feel quite a lot of pang and longing, which is always a bittersweet kind of feeling. My only other hang up is the ending, I'm not quite understanding the last lines here, the "an example in the past; example in the present" and the only child line.

Other than that, gorgeous as always.

~ as always, Audy

This is perplexing. ( And that's my way of saying that it's fantastic ). This format is bae. Just amazing. It's like four parallel lines of though playing out at the same time, which is really good for this topic. I haven't read your other works, so I don't know; do you play around with format a lot? If not you should, you are good at it. Just remember: Form Follows Function. The format should add to the content, not just get in your face. Although that's good too, if you have a reason for it. Anyway, its a very poignant piece, and well presented. I wanted to see some similarities between the rain and the tears, although I am SO glad you never compared them to eachother ( I'm really tired of that cliché ) but like note the pooling of your tears as well as the rain, or something. I like the thread that moves between the vignettes you have painted of you and your brother. An the moon/earth/only child dialogue is really perfect and something that I have never seen before, so I love it. I think that you could work a little on language ( there are some clunky parts ) but you have for the most part created mood, which I think is very important for a poem. This is really cool and different and I want to see you continue to challenge traditional poetry! XD or something like that. Thanks for sharing!

wow. I loved this. I really did. It's hard to explain why though. (*facepalm*...i'm supposed to be REVIEWING it)
i'm just going to nitpick for now.

'creating swirls' is a bad line. it just sounds unfinished, and 'swirls' doesn't feel like it matches the poem.

'in any way a sister could love' again, is a bit awkward. maybe switch 'any' with 'every', or something like that?

I don't understand 'example'. maybe it's just me, i'm pretty clueless.
'of what not to be'? still wondering. but it's not really a bad kind of wonder. wondering is good. you don't have to change that part if you don't want to .
thanks for making this!

-Satira

Did u or do u have a brother???
What happened to your brother??
Or, do u miss a brother??
I have many questions on my mind..can u please make the poetry a little clear, please?

I have a brother too...
I know how does it feels when ur brother hurts u..
i am also a sister...My brother is sometimes so hard with me.
i explain him. sometimes he understands sometimes not.

I was so happy when first time he was born..
My mother tells that brothers and sisters are blessings from Allah...

Is this something you made or found?id like to know please, thanks!