Little is the girl who stands against a barn wall.
Pudgy are her hands that hold a basket of wildflowers.
Red is the bow she wears in her hair.
White is the dress she wears.
Empty is the farm seen through the barn window,
Green the darkening sky is growing.
Collecting are the cumulonimbus clouds above her.
Limp is her flaxen hair.
Empty is her gaze,
Green with filth is her soul.
Collecting is the demon that has found its way inside her.
Limp are the flowers she has held for a week.
Little does the demon care about its host.
Pudgy are the hands that shall be thy death.
Red is the blood that drips from her mouth.
White was the dress she wore.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,020 Literary Works • 672,732 Reviews
You cough me off on this one, I had to read it over twice to figure out what was happening. Here was I, thinking that it was going to be a sweet little poem, until that poem took a dark turn and left me in a state that I am rarely in. No less, I'm happy you thought about it, wrote it, and shared it with the fine community.
I hope I can see more like this in the future, not only from you but maybe another work will shine over yours. Don't get me wrong, it's good.
Fortis,
It has been quite some time since I've written a review, as senior year has been eating me alive, so I will try my best to do this well.
The first thing that stood out to me as being something I disliked was your repetition of the word "wear" one right after the other in the first stanza. You could very easily find a synonym and make it seem like you put a lot more effort into wording.
The way you worded your lines is something I'm unsure of. It's really unneccessarily wordy at times, to the point that it feels jumbly and awkward, yet at the same time, the unconventional ordering of the words kind of fits with the unconventional subject matter.
The part about the cumulonimbus clouds, is again a love and hate for me. I like how specific you were, but you didn't have any attempt at being that specific in the rest of the poem, so it's sort of weird. It draws a lot of attention, because you're using pretty basic words with pretty limited syllables, so they all flow about the same way, then you have this monster word in here and it just really throws the reader.
I really like the rest though. It's demented and creepy, and totally went in a direction I was not expecting at all, which was cool. Keep writing and have a lovely day!
I love the style of having the adjective come first in every line...
This poem is haunting and makes my heart pound... great job with it.
I don't know much about poetry or how to review it... but I'll try, I guess, and if my comments suck, you can ignore them. (Hooray!)
I think the word "cumulonimbus" in the third line of the second stanza is a little strange in the atmosphere of this poem. Maybe replace it with a description of the clouds, like dark and foreboding rather than with "cumulonimbus."
The way you repeat the adjectives that were in the stanza in the last stanza in this poem is especially chilling; it's probably my favorite part of the whole thing. That was a great idea...
Thanks for making me feel something in this poem...
-rissymay
You're a genius.
Poetry is a literal work which I rarely used to appreciate when I was younger however, I grew up to be particularly fond of it. Given my tendency to be drawn to challenges and riddles, poetry captured my attention as soon as I learned that there was more behind the obvious words which are written. After I learned that, I started analysing poetry from a different perspective and I even started writing my own poems.
After reading this poem for the first time, I must admit that I found it a bit disturbing. At first I couldn't find a link between the title and the content of the poem. However, after reading it through a few times, I managed to come up with my own interpretation:
The first stanza is picturing innocence with the vivid description of the little girl. However, the lack of rhyme and simple choice of words, create a tense and disturbingly silent atmosphere. It is the perfect atmosphere to hook the reader to the poem. An atmosphere to which one awaits a scary ending.
To the contrary of the first stanza, the second stanza is not describing a static portrait but it is exploring change occurring around the girl. It is more focused on the surroundings than the girl herself. From this stanza one can start seeing that there is something wrong with the girl, "Limp".
The third and forth stanza are portraying the changes that occurred to the girl which makes it visible that the girl is no longer innocent. However, this change seems to be brought up by the "demon" which possessed her.
In my opinion the demon is representing the society which found its way inside her mind. This could be through bullying or other things. Either way, it is evident from the blood dripping from her mouth that this demon is eating her from the inside and she is deteriorating. It makes me think about how the society is affecting the children. The white dress represents the innocence the girl once had, "she wore" (past). This innocence was stripped off because of the society's corruption.
Relating the title to the poem took longer than I expected. I think that the first stanza represents the first glaze at the painting which represents the first impression of someone. Then from the second stanza onwards, the viewer is analysing the painting in more detail and is able to see the qualities beneath the manipulation of the artist.
Well, there are so many more arguments which I am sure can be derived from this piece of work however, I have to stop here. Please let me know whether my interpretation was any close to your intention. I am really curious about this poem. I think that you did a great job especially since you had me wrecking my mind all over it :p I usually prefer poems with rhythm however, it this case the lack of rhyme creates the suspense which fits beautifully in this poem.
I am eagerly waiting for your response.
paula08
Okay, so I found this poem to be slightly disturbing and perhaps a tad bit freakishly heart-stopping, with the result of a severe loss of sleep, increased levels of paranoia and a nice, relaxing, three-hour-long gut-puking session with the toilet. Not exactly sure why, though. Other than that, I thought it was absolutely beautiful. It's simply perfect in every way. (I especially love the symmetry of the verses. Symmetric poetry is just gorgeous.) Marvelous job. <3 *applauds* You have an incredible talent for these things, one that no mere mortal could ever possibly hope to possess. I shall eagerly await your next masterpiece with great anticipation and much faith that it will be as brilliant as its antecedent, so please do hurry and not prolong this maddening thirst for more pure awesomeness that I so patiently bear.
Yours truly, now and forevermore,
~DragonLily
P.S. I have no idea how the heck I managed to end like that (or why), but it was fun. Shame on you, Jane Austen, for corrupting me so...
P.P.S. Was this poem inspired by an actual picture? Just curious.
Yes it was inspired by an actual picture.
YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU are a greeeeeeaaaaaaateeeeeeeeeee writer . Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu can't be explained . rather your poems can't.
Not sure why I'm reviewing poetry, but you mentioned it in chat so here I am.
Your writing is super descriptive and I had no trouble forming a mental image while reading 
My thoughts as a non-poet
"Pudgy are her hands that hold a basket of wildflowers."
-Not quite sure why, but I love the use of the word "pudgy" here. It just seems to fit perfectly. ^.^
"Red is the bow she wears in her hair.
White is the dress she wears."
-You say "wears" in both lines here to describe both articles of clothing, I would try subbing one out, although the way that both "wears" rhyme with "hair" could be played with audibly for a cool effect.
"Limp is her flaxen hair."
-I really like the placement of this line, because the word "limp" gives a sort of dull or deflated feel, which contrasts the building intensity of the darkening sky and gathering clouds of the previous lines.
"Green with filth is her soul"
-Also love the "green" theme. You seem to like green ;P
"Little does the demon care about its host.
Pudgy are the hands that shall be thy death.
Red is the blood that drips from her mouth.
White was the dress she wore."
-This whole last bit is just so descriptive and disturbing, gives me chills. Love it.
Not much critique from me on this one, I really enjoyed it, especially the symmetry between the first and last stanzas and the middle ones as well, good job.
Nice poem! I like your format. It's also cool how the last stanza ties into the first by using similar descriptions. You set the stage with a little girl who appears to be innocent standing by a barn and holding wildflowers, but by the end, we see that she's not all that innocent. The second stanza adds an ominous feel before we find out what's going on. Good job!