Zero: It was, In the Year Of Our Lord, 1812.
One: There was glass from the shattered window scattered all over the floor.
Two: there was blood on the glass.
Three: Two brown shoes and two socks were found outside the window.
Four: He identified the shoes and socks as his own.
Five: Bloody footprints had been found on the sidewalk outside the bank.
Six: The footprints led to his house nearby, in which he was found and arrested.
Seven: He denied having been at the bank that night.
Eight: The newly-made scars on his feet begged to differ.
Nine: The stolen cash was found under his matress.
Ten: His fingerprints were all over the safe.
Eleven: He claimed that a black man, who had been unconscious in back of the house, had framed him.
Twelve: The black man hung at noon.
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Correction..."matress" should be "mattress"
I liked how you counted up to twelve. The number twelve signified for me that time was running out before the man's execution because of the twelve numbers on a clock. I'm not sure is that was intended, but it worked out nicely. I love historical poems a lot. This one captured racism in the 19th century very well. Even though all evidence pointed towards the white (I assume) man obviously being at the bank, the innocent black man was the one who was hung, based simply on what the white man said. I've read a lot of your poems and I like how each one is very different. You are not afraid to branch away from the norm. Keep doing your thing, fortis! (Presses the like button)
Whoa - what an ending. Before I say anything else, I'll point out nitpicks -
Should be "mattress"
I have a feeling you meant to capitalize "there".
That's all I could find!
Anyway...I think this is possibly the best thing I've read all day. At the last line I was literally writhing with frustration at the unfairness of the discrimination of a fictional character in a poem written by a random person I will probably never meet in real life. That is powerful. I think the choppy quality of this piece works very well.
Well done, and keep writing (not that you'd stop)
Hey Fortis! Again!
Wow, this was really cool! It's always nice and refreshing to see something new. I have a feeling this is inspired by something that happened in history, but I'm not sure what - however, I was still very interested! I thought the "countdown" was an imaginative touch, even though I wasn't sure why they were there - counting the evidence, maybe? But then that doesn't make sense since not every bit is evidence, like the year of Our Loud and the hanging bit.
I did think that this type of execution (no pun intended - oh, that's horrible!) does make the poem sound a bit choppy. I have no doubt that the sort of "Boom. Boom. Boom." effect is what you were going for in this poem and I can see how it works to an extent, but perhaps it wouldn't be as "noticeable" if you made the lines longer, perhaps even full stanzas, to avoid the counting happening to close to each other. I don't know - it would be kind of interesting to see this poem expanded, and I think it could work very well as a prose poem.
You use very little, if any, poetic devices and imagery, and I think it would be good to see even some of that. Often some details can be more chilling and effective if you leave some bits hanging, without handing it all to the reader on a gold platter. In a poem like this particularly, I'd like to see some implications and mystery, rather than just pure cold facts.
I did like this though, that's just something to think about!
Demeter x
Messenger here to review for you!
And I- WHOOOOOA!
Tha-th-that was such a shocking ending. I wasn't expecting it at all! Well done there. I have to say that your formatting and writing were different and very childish in a way. But I liked it that way! It was almost like an outline for a book. Maybe you shouldn't put it under poetry though? It doesn't really seem like poetry to me.
Now storyline: it was really interesting. I was expecting something to do with the Battle of New Orleans but I soon saw that that was not the case. Then I got into the story. Th mounting evidence was convincing me that this would would be a simple murder case. Then the last two lines came. And BOOM!
I was SO stunned. I just sat there for a second. Then my heart started screaming: "NOOOOO! THAT IS SO WRONG! KILL THE PIGGISH WHITE GUY!" Which is what you wanted I assume. It's an interesting poem about racial unfairness back in the 1800's.
Overall I liked it. I'm not sure how I feel about the numbers one, two, three, and so on, but I did like the poem.
Keep it up!
~Messenger