The Balloon

Hey. Here's what I think :

In the middle of the second stanza it becomes clear that the balloon is a metaphor for something that's lost over time. One of the things about this poem that caught my eye was the crisp contrast between the first two stanzas. Nice. The passage of time has been described quite well (with simple descriptions).

Although I understand what's happening overall in the next two stanzas - the shearing of the hair is a rather confusing expression. It may be referring to the process of withdrawal from life or simply the process of ageing etc but, regardless, it is a bit sudden. Just a suggestion : don't you think this could be described by in a more gradual way? (Am I being too abstract?). For instance, you could describe the greying of her hair or something like that. Also, maybe... maybe a little more description of what prompts her to cut the string away. That could do wonders.

Also, I like how you are economical with your words, for example, the way you've used the hair and the balloon - just these two concepts - to say so much more. That... that's a skill. So, overall, I think this has all the material needed to make a beautiful poem about the loss of innocence over time, but it might need a little fine tuning. Consider that, maybe.

That's all I had to say. Hope this helps!
- S

Very beautiful. The first piece I've read on here that I truly have no advice for (only been on for a couple of days), but I would like to interpret it.

The first thing I take away from this is the comparison of innocence in youth to the discovery of pain and sorrow through adulthood. You paint the image of the girl growing as the balloon continuously deflates. I like the concrete turn, the girl cutting her hair, shedding the innocence that was already fleeting in your unspoken mannerisms.

The only thing I am unclear on is the final stanza, which I assume is simply scripting the finality of the situation. Of course you don't have to lend any validation to my silly ramblings, I just truly enjoyed reading your piece. Keep it up!

I remember reading something similar at the workshop, this was a nice 'spur of the moment poem' indeed.

I can't say I get impressed with these types of poems that give you a clue and have yah decipher it because it really gets in the way of your meaning, imagery, and clarity. It does have value however because some people like decoding but I guess I am not one of those people maybe? Also, it could just be a 'lost in translation' type of confusion because you describe tails coming out of her head and then refer to them as hair or you just start talking about hair? I hope you see the confusion here and it really halts your poem and makes it hard to understand. Especially the part that says "she shore her hair off." I don't really know what you mean by that. By the end of the poem I find myself re reading, re analyzing to the point where you lost me, completely. And I would assume the same holds true for the average reader reading this.

Another thing is about your imagery which is 'okay' but nothing near perfect. I can't really imagine anything you've given me here. Things like what color is her hair, what she looks like, where she's at could really paint a picture but right now it doesn't say much about the story, what the reader should be imagining and so forth. It's almost like dealing with the ideas of hair rather than the concrete imagery associated with the story. *Insert your own imagination here* type of thing. I guess part of the lack of imagery stems from me not understanding your symbols in the first place, which could be a major contributer to my bias, so I guess take this part of the review lightly

Anyways I just don't seem to like it all to much right now, but it shows potential and it can be improved, I believe.