It’s raining again.
It’s been raining for months now.
It started with a few drops,
pitter-pattering on the roof.
Now it falls down in flat, gray sheets.
I always feel especially sleepy when it showers.
My drowsy eyes have been drooping for days now.
And I think I might just drop off
the face of the earth for a while
in sweet slumber.
This rain works itself into your mind
with its endless silvery static sound.
I wonder why this water wanted to wander away
from the oceans it must call home.
Maybe it must maintain movement.
The monotone meanderings of this monsoon
cakes my consciousness with cool-chromed colors,
getting my galoshes gray with grit,
wetting the world with water.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
Hello, darling! Let's settle down to review this real quick.
First off: I adore how you approached your subject material. The rain is not painted as either specifically bad or specifically good, and is shown in more of a neutral, grey light. You have a lot of images on the paper that lead into the audience's understanding of the poem as a whole, and the alliteration brings the images to life some.
That being said, critique. As far as the alliteration goes - I don't understand why you decided to use the softer consonants in this piece. S and C are good sounds for rain because they're sharper, and they delineate the sound that rain makes landing on a tin roof, splattering on the asphalt - D is kind of neutral, because it's a voiced T, and G is a voiced K, but it can be said more sharply, so it could be rain on a thicker roof.
The same does not necessarily go for M and W. M, in particular, stops the flow of the poem because it's a nasal consonant, so the reader has however minuscule a pause on it, and unless the words may account for that, it could lead to them getting bogged down. W is more of a vowel sound made into a consonant, and it leads into kind of an anticlimactic ending for the piece. While I can see that you might want to end with something softer than an S/C/K/T or their variations, it really has a smaller effect on me, especially after the last stanza where most of the consonants are softer except the C.
Okay, away from alliteration before I go consonant-crazy.
I will say that I do not like the last line of your third stanza - "Maybe it must maintain movement." It feels weak, and it doesn't give me an idea or a feeling of anything but indecision, which really doesn't mesh much with the piece around it. It stands out, and not necessarily in a good way. Part of it might be the M issue with the alliteration I mentioned before, and I think part of it is that the rest of the poem actually has an image it's going for, whereas this is just... there.
Your images could use a little more definition. You are relatively constrained by the fact that you're using alliteration as a major stylistic focus in this poem, which I understand, but some of your images could have been a little sharper. As it is, I feel like there's a very thin fog between me and actually seeing them - I feel like some of your images are a little cliched ("flat, gray sheets", "drowsy eyes have been drooping") just enough to the point where they're softened a little by the cliche.
Overall, I think the poem is really quite good, it just wasn't as effective for me as a reader as it could have been. My suggestions would mainly be to look over the poem and see what's just there to be there, or what might feel a little off from the rest of the piece without good reason, and perhaps cut it or edit it.
Keep writing, love!
Why does this have so many likes but not any reviews???!!
This is a truly beautiful poem.
It had a very calming effect on me.
My favourite bit was :
" I wonder why this water wanted to wander away
from the oceans it must call home.
Maybe it must maintain movement. "
I don't see any problems in it. Wouldn't want you to change even a single thing about it.
Rating. 8.5/10
Hassan
so many likes.. such little comments. I love this piece
i read it 5 times and every time I liked it more