A woman light and pale like all the mist,
between her crooked fingers clasped she coins,
and I, an oarsman rocked by only waves,
did hail her mighty greetings from afar.
"Two trips," said she, coins falling at my feet,
"to go and come again to this fine shore."
"Where will ye go?" I asked her with a smile.
"As far from here as ye will row me, sir."
"You care not of your destination, ma'am?
More shores are there than can be counted now."
She cried and said to take her where I please,
"It doth not matter, just away from here!"
So poling off from yonder misty shore,
we set off on our wat'ry path, unbound
for any destination real or true,
for "any place at all" is not a place.
We sailed on rivers of reflected stars.
The ripples from the oars set them to dance.
A liquid life we lived that chilly night,
reflections of our faces grew and shrank.
I felt the bow hit solid land, unknown.
The woman thanked me, kiss upon my brow,
then stepped off to the nameless shore in hope
and faith that future paths would bring her light.
"I will return within a fortnight's time,"
the disappearing shadow called afar,
"I will be back, good sir so please be here!
I know I will need ye to travel home."
Before I promised her I would be there,
the retched waves took hold upon my boat,
and vows of mine were lost within the wind,
"I'll take you there and back if so you wish!"
Two weeks I spent in blissful ignorance,
but when I came back to that unknown shore,
no woman pale nor ghostly waited there.
The coins she left felt heavy in my purse.
I waited for three days and lonely nights,
awaiting her return to yonder shore.
And then methought I heard a tiny voice,
"Your lovely, misty lady is no more!"
I threw myself against the wooden oars,
and rowed myself down to the churning sea.
There gold and silver coins shone in my hand,
then sparkled, flying though the air and sea.
A thousand tears cried I that dreadful night,
my sobs all echoed off the stony rocks
in mem'ry of a woman hardly-known,
who broke her promise of a two-way trip.
She'll be the only passenger I've missed,
her death-shroud was the ever-present mist.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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This is one WAY long piece of iambic pentameter, but you haven't beat the bard yet!
Uh... this is 'her' coins, right? If it is supposed to be 'she' though, I'd reword the line so it doesn't conflict as much with common syntax.Anways, first, some nitpicks that Mags didn't catch.
And in the third-to-last stanza, you used 'sea' twice to end a line, which sounds kind of funny when I read it aloud. It also looks weird.
Other than that, nice job. I love how using iambic pentameter makes everything feel so old-timey, and your language reflected that. I mean, who uses 'yonder' anymore? Also, like Mags already pointed out, the fact that the oarsman talks differently from the lady is a nice touch.
Well... that's it from me. I don't review poetry that often, but I do like iambic pentameter. It wouldn't hurt to review more poetry though... see all the poetic devices--great job making use of those, by the way. Especially this one: Personification and metaphor all in one! Yay!
Anywho, enough squealing from me. Catch you later!
Naw friend, the she coins is the uniqueness of the oarsman's voice coming through. i loved that bit, that's why i didn't say anything about it.
THE MAGS SEES ALL
Oh... I see what you did there.
Yeah, mags is right, but thank you for your review anyway. ^_^
And thanks for the compliments.
Wow! I loved this!
I'm not usually a fan of such structured poetry, but you really did this nicely, with a very unique voice. I loved that the oarsman spoke a little differently. It wasn't overdone, but there were some things that made me think he was a little different.
I noticed two places where the meter was a little off.
The meter of "came back" should really be reversed. In normal speech, "back" would be stressed. I can't really think of anything that you could substitute there, though. I just thought you should be aware of that.
The meter of "passenger" is really off. That's a really hard word to use in iambic pentameter-- it threw me off a bit.
This kind of has a different tone from what is suggested later in the poem. The woman wants to escape, but we don't really know that yet. I think that "fine" is the wrong choice of words here, as the lady needs to get away-- this would be a nice opportuinity to hint to the reader that the lady needs to get away.
That's my favorite. <3
This line wasn't really doing it for me. I feel like it was almost cute, the way the meter takes it, but this is supposed to be a big moment for the narrator. I'd revise that bit if I were you.
Anyway, I really enjoyed reading this. I hope this review proves helpful to you! Happy writing!
Thank you for the review and the compliments!
For the first one, how about, "but when I stood again upon that shore?"
I think I'm going to keep the second one the same. (it sounds right to me)
For the third one, how about I change "fine" to "cursed?"
and I have no idea how to change that other line to make it less cute. I'll sleep on it.
That first and cursed sound great! ^_^