Leaky Voices

Hello, darling! Here as requested; I haven't read the other reviews, so I risk repeating what they've said.

I actually really enjoy the vague surreality of this piece (and this is where the peaches and the spoons went, hmm, haha). This piece feels like it takes place on a plane of reality just barely, barely removed from our own, and I suppose that's the wonderful thing about poetry - it doesn't have to necessarily be real to be effective. As opposed to your other piece, I feel like some of this imagery is sharper and more effective, but the subject matter is a little vaguer, so it's kind of a balance of your style.

(My favorite line has to be "She crowned herself in boysenberry branches".)

As far as critique goes. The first thing that caught my eye was "lonliest", and I don't know if it was an intentional misspelling of "loneliest", but it's definitely... Well, eye-catching.

Your stanza breaks feel clean for the most part. I will say that going from stanza one to stanza two was a little confusing - I went back and reread the beginning to see if I'd missed anything about a "her", and when I hadn't, I skimmed ahead for a line or two to see if it was clarified.

I'm actually not much of a fan of your compact style when it comes to "mis(s)(treat)ing", probably because I think this is a case where repetition might work - "And now you are missing her,/And now you are mistreating her" or something the like, and that way the reader doesn't stop and set it down at that point. I'm reading this on fairly low brain-power, and it confused me for a second before I could continue. I understand if you want to keep it - your poem, after all - I just felt that I should bring it up just in case.

Near the end, I feel like your line length starts to break down a little quickly - perhaps too quickly. If nothing else, I feel like the line "because she was so used" kind of breaks the flow of the smaller lines up a little, and that might benefit from some minor editing as far as visual flow goes.

Overall, I think that the imagery is cleaner in this piece than it is in the other, but there are a few minor nitpicks I felt the need to mention, and some minor confusion caused by your organization of stanzas and lines. Keep writing!

I usually like poems that are vague, and tough to understand, but this was a bit too cryptic.
I couldn't form an interpretation of my own.
But this was well written. The flow was good. And the way you play with words is interesting.

I especially loved this bit :

"And you are mis(s)(treat)ing her."

This was a good poem, but I'd love to know what it was about.

Hassan

[ Edit ]

Usually I'm pretty good at uncovering poems but this one has got me stuck. It was very well written, don't get me wrong, I just have a very hard time understanding it. Like in my head it doesn't seem to run very well, even though your words make sense they don;t really make sense as a whole.

I have a question about this part: "And you are mis(s)(treat)ing her." Why did you use the parenthesis like this ? I've never seen anything like this unless it was for, "an(d)".


However, this has got to be my favorite part:

"You never even wake
to the pitter patter, drip drop
so why wake now?"

I'm sorry if this was no help what so ever.