Paper Boat

This poem was classic. I've read a lot of other stuff similar to this, and I remember a specific poem that was virtually the same, but that doesn't really matter much, as long as it remains interesting.

Your writing isn't beautifully descriptive, but it's also not drab and slow. That's why I say classic. It has the general sense of a story, you're trying to convey a specific message. I do like the "paper boat" though, as it lends the whimsical and fictional sense to the poem, making it easy to understand that you're being "transported" to a different world, rather than finding solace in something weird on this one.

Again, it's not amazing, but it's not bad, so good work.

Thank you fortis!

This is a lovely poem, with a wonderful moomin like feel ro it, as well as a deeper darker meaning. The only line I would change is "I land on a land". Saying the same word twice in a sentence ruins the flow. I suggest "I land on a world". Or somthing like. This would also increase the abstract.
Hope this helps,
Take That You Fiend!

Excellent poem. Revise the poem starting from here:
"On my paper boat, no one can hurt me,
there’s only calm water as far as I can see.
I’ll sail till dusk with my paper flag unfurled,
before I have to return back to the cruel, dark world."

In the segment I just pasted, the first two lines are very simplistic. It provides an unwelcome contrast to the rest or your poem. Try changing the vocabulary, or inserting some kind of metaphor for 'no one can hurt me'.

The last two lines don't rhyme as well ("unfurled" and "world"). Sometimes, poets do this on purpose (e.g. Emily Dickinson) to portray awkwardness, or sharpness via symbolism.

Other than that, this poem is great! Lovely image of the paper boat. You have true talen. Keep writing, fortis!

Hello Fortis,

Magenta here to review your poem that you just posted on YWS approximately seven minutes ago. Great poem-by the way-and keep on writing! Alright, I'll try to review your poem as best as I can, but as I am new here, I probably won't do as well as other people. I wasn't sure if you were going to capitalize the first letter of each line. I always find poems distracting when they words are not capitalized in the beginning of a line. Although that might be my preference, I know that it is the writer/author/poet's decision on whether or not they choose to do that.

"I'll make a paper boat one day,
and off I'll sail, somewhere far away."

I like this line, but I wasn't sure whether people would take this to be unrealistic because I don't think you could fit inside a paper boat and sail without it being sunk because of the paper that will eventually absorb the water. But I do know that this is a poem and poems don't have to be realistic. I was only wondering though... I would also suggest changing the word, "I'll" because it seems that you wrote it twice in one sentence and I think it might sound better if you wrote "I will" or "I would". That is if you don't want it to get a bit wordy. I could see you objecting that because it does sound a little strange. I just thought it was a little repetitive. I wouldn't know because I am no poet!

"I'll float down the rivers of unknown tears,"

I would change this sentence just a bit. I would not pluralize the word "rivers" or I would take out "the". It just caught my eye for some reason even though it isn't technically wrong in terms of grammar.

I would make the line, "there's only calm water as far as I can see," into its own line or sentence instead of connecting it to the previous part of the sentence. It seems "poetically correct" if you may. You could write, 'I only see the gentle laps of the blue water." I know that doesn't sound as good as yours but I'm here to make suggestions, right? The last sentence is a bit lengthy and you might be able to change some of the words so that it flows better.

I joined less than a week ago so I hope that my review wasn't too bad. I do hope I could have helped but nonetheless, lovely poem. I like the title for the poem-it is flawless title.

- Magenta