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Young Writers Society



Time For Bed Now

by Rascalover


A good book and a smooth glass of wine. 

What's better than that to snuggle in bed with? 

How about a beating heart

Beneath layers of flesh, 

Heating next to your flushed skin. 

Maybe a thoughtless kiss on your temple

As he rolls to the side

And that familiar sound of a motorboat comes forced out through his nose. 

A smile creeps across your face, 

And that wine is now stale on the nightstand, 

That book has long been tossed aside to the floor. 

You reach up and turn the lamp off,

Rolling over to meet his back, 

And keeping track of his breaths as his back moves up and down. 

Sleep is ready to take hold of your eyes, 

And your dreams are waiting patiently for you,

As you slide your arms around his taunt abdomen. 

You rest against him  

With your eyelids closing, you finally slip into something peaceful

Sweet dreams, princess. 

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364 Reviews

Points: 15630
Reviews: 364

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Fri Nov 03, 2017 8:44 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Rascalover! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
A good book and a smooth glass of wine.

What's better than that to snuggle in bed with?

How about a beating heart

Beneath layers of flesh,

Heating next to your flushed skin. {nOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO A GOOD BOOK IS ALWAYS THE BEST}

Maybe a thoughtless kiss on your temple

As he rolls to the side

And that familiar sound of a motorboat comes forced out through his nose.

A smile creeps across your face,

And that wine is now stale on the nightstand,

That book has long been tossed aside to the floor.

You reach up and turn the lamp off,

Rolling over to meet his back,

And keeping track of his breaths as his back moves up and down.

Sleep is ready to take hold of your eyes,

And your dreams are waiting patiently for you,

As you slide your arms around his taunt abdomen.

You rest against him

With your eyelids closing, you finally slip into something peaceful

Sweet dreams, princess.


My interpretation:



Of course, my mind went to the gutter while reading this. I read way too many gay fan fictions and Game of Thrones lol but is this about falling asleep next to your love, right?

On a side note, I spelled "asleep" wrong and it autocorrected it to the other word for "donkey" XD

Overall:



Overall, I liked, but you need to be careful when writing about things like this. People's minds could go to the gutter pfft. Keep up the great work!!

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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841 Reviews

Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Thu Nov 02, 2017 8:26 am
Radrook wrote a review...



This is a beautiful poem brimming with imagery involving both sight and touch. The romantic feeling is established and reinforced by the poem's rhythm which seems to mimic the slow breathing of the woman being spoken about.

It briefly brought to mind Rubaiyat of Omar Khayyam with its loaf of bread and jug of wine and thou being paradise now.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rubaiyat_of_Omar_Khayyam

Suggestion:

I would leave everything just as it is except one part:

"And that familiar sound of a motorboat comes forced out through his nose"

It introduces humor and unpleasant imagery which weakens the Romantic mood.





The brain is wider than the sky.
— Emily Dickenson