Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
Caused too many tears
That weren't worth your while
You sucked me in fast, strong, hard
Hollowing me out
I saw it coming from
The beginning
But with every question
Your defenses rose
I stopped being a priority
You assumed I'd always stay
Every time I think about it
I feel stupid, empty, afraid
Innocence stolen in one drunken night. Lies flooded your mouth as you held me tight. Safe- life. Love- lie. Forever- lie.
It's okay though cause I'll always be able to trust a marlboro, and some foil and a straw, and that bottle of alcohol.
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
I LOVED IT!!!! It is so very relevant to what I'm going through right now. I liked the flow of the poem. I hope you've found something greater than this. This:
Caused too many tears
That weren't worth your while
You sucked me in fast, strong, hard
Hollowing me out
I saw it coming from
The beginning
It honestly brought tears to my eyes, thinking about what's going on with me that day. I am so glad, not that you're hurting, but that I'm not alone in my hurt. If you're wondering what I mean, just pm me. Also, if you ever need anything you can p me as well. <3
This is such a great piece!!! LOVE IT!!!
~Giginicole
Thank you so much! I never got a notification saying anyone reviewed this! im glad it was relatable. i finally just got out of that toxic relationship and I feel just as sad and lost and lonely but at least now i can start the healing process.
That process can be a long and hard road, but stay strong! <3
Hello Rascalover
I am Costia, here to give you a review for your poem!
So let's start.
Content:
I actually really liked this poem. It was honest and emotional and it gives someone the impression that it was inspired from an actual event in real life which was an element I enjoyed. I am not sure if I got it right but the way I see it, it is a poem about a heartbreak or even a break up poem maybe. I liked its sensitivity and honesty. I believe that every poem oughts to be honest.
Now to the technical aspects of the poem:
Structure:
I couldn't help but notice that you didn't have any stanzas and that the ending of your poem wasn't in the form of verses but rather like a text. I am not sure if you did that on purpose to support your own style of writing or just didn't know how to separate the last piece of text into verses and/or stanzas.
To me either way is fine. However I would be curious to see this poem in a more strict structure with stanzas and everything.
Now a few corrections:
"You sucked me in fast, strong, hard
Hollowing me out
I saw it coming from
The beginning"
On the first verse of this part I don't think you need so many words. Keep only one of them or replace the sentance with something stronger like "you swallowed"
Instead of "sucked"
Other than that in the third verse of this part "I saw it coming from" I would put the word "from" in the next verse.
Generally this was deep and emotional. However it needed some work . Most of the work is needed in imagery since I can't say this poem left me with any images but mostly feelings. You could also work on the structure a little but no serious mistakes were made there and as I said before to me, structurally it is also fine as it is.
What I wanted to point out is that I think this poem needs a stronger statement in the end. I was expecting something to shake me in the end you know? Something more powerful and confident. I liked what you did with the drinks and the cigarettes and all (although I wouldn't mention the brand) but I feel like you had to phrase it differently or even add a part to it.
I don't know maybe that's just me.
Overall I liked it and I think a lot of people can feel connected to this, me among them. It can apply to many romantic situations and it is easy to relate to. It is not complicated, in the contrary it is brilliantly simple.
I am looking forward to reading the edited version of this!
Keep writing!
Kind regards
Costia
Thanks!