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141,758 Literary Works • 675,696 Reviews
Hi Rascal,
Interesting read. Here are a few thoughts:
Watch your tense: L2: surroundING, L3: plunderED. Make sure you pick one tense and stick to it throughout the entire piece!
I love the mortar and brick reference in the first stanza, hate it in the third. No idea why, but it doesn't really seem like it goes well there.
I love the last stanza, but the path the piece took getting there seems weird. It's like it's tight, then sad, then happy, then sad...then final. A change of emotion is okay, but probably just one change would be more appropriate. I do like the idea of the final, definitive stanza, though!
Good luck!
Via
Your poem is very thought-provoking. I enjoy a good brain think once in awhile. You discribe this emotion very well and I like the image it creates in my mind. I suggest you just keep on doing what your doing, because what your writing is great, and I'd like to see more from you, just for the enjoyment of reading it!