Anger fills my soul and pours out as inadequacy
What's wrong with me?
Take this burden from my shoulders
Cleanse my soul, grow my heart
LORD
Replace my hurt with a thirst for you
For I am tired
I no longer want to travel this journey alone
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
Hello! I'm cruising the poetry forums today so watch out
I think the connect between these two lines is currently very loose and it could use an 'And' at the start of the last line.Specifics
1. I think there are a few places where your word choice could be stronger for example, instead of 'fills' in the first line, I think 'floods' would be more powerful. Or 'Anger surges in my soul' or fuels? The poem at the moment is simplistic and on the one side I like that because it does mimic the prayer structure but at the same time, it doesn't make it very memorable. There's no one piece of imagery or catchy line which is going to stay with me for weeks to come and niggle in a corner of my brain so maybe work a little on tightening up the word choice and try to get at least one really firm image in there. Like, what does this burden feel like? Is it like the weight of the boulder Sisyphus has to push up the hill every day or is it more the kind of burden which is debilitating, which takes all the shine and lustre out of life. I'd just like to see a little more of the story coming through to create a stronger connection with the reader.
2.
Overall
I think this is a good start but you could definitely add some more details in and make the poem more personal to the persona. At the moment it's a little too vague with no description of what is causing this anger or what affect that has on the individual. A few more details like that would make this a more memorable poem.
Thanks for the read and best of luck with your writing!
~Heather
Thanks!
Ooooh! Mr. Selfridge her. Is this a prayer? Very deep. WOW, man!
Do you say this prayer often? I like the simple concise nature of it. It's actually quite powerful. I suppose if you were looking for suggestions, you could make it longer. Explain why you feel angry. Maybe tell us about a frustrating time you endured. Your style is clean and to the point. I like it.
Keep doing the do!
Thanks!!! It was an exercise we had to do at bible study
Gotcha. Cool stuff, bro.