When you think of me
I want you to be reminded of
Mermaids
Unicorns
Everything magical
That leaves more mystery
Enchanting as the words that fall from your lips
Your mouth engulfs mine
Through my lavender hair
Gray eyes
Engraved arms
Snowflake skin
I wish you'd love me anyways
But a kiss is all you need
To ghost me
Eventhough one day I'll be your one what if
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139,524 Literary Works • 672,598 Reviews
hey Rascalover, i really like your poem here. it works on different levels as it is. it is very simple and sweet, and of course captivating. I just wanted to point out the absence of rhymes in this one. if you could have written it with rhymes it would have sounded magical. But as of now it just left me wanting as this is great content but its not being organized and framed and presented to its best potential. Correct me if i am wrong but i think this poem of yours was impulsive, and wrote it down and immediately published it, did you let the poem sit in your head for 3-4 days ? because if you do that, you yourself can pin point the loop-holes in your work. just let the poem percolate and concentrate in your brain before you put it on paper, take your time and let your work grow, dont limit it by immediately responding to the first impulse that strikes you, take time and analyze.
all this said the 2nd half of the poem that leads to the ending "Eventhough one day I'll be your one what if" is brilliant but the first half of the poem dosent match up to it.
if you can even this piece out it will be a great piece of art rather than just being a good poem.
Thanks! And, you're right! I'm kinda impulsive. Lol
Hey there Rascalover,
Myjaspercat here to leave you a review.
A few nit-picks
Overall impressions of this work
Honestly, I really enjoyed this piece. Content wise, there isn't really much that I would change. The only overall suggestions i have for you would be working on the spacing between the lines and adding some punctuation throughout the piece to break it up a bit. Other then that, good job. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Good luck and continue writing.
Thank you! The line spacing is more of a format issue with YWS (idk how to change it) it was suppose to be broken up into different stanzas and such.
ok, have you tried hitting "shift enter" when starting a new line? that typically keeps the lines together without the added space, making it easier to format.
i havent, Ill give it a try next time!
Thanks for sharing this enigmatically charming poem about a person whose words were deemed magical or charming, and whose kiss was or is engulfing. The speaker wants to be remembered as special and magical as his words had seemed. But the speaker is left after just one kiss or perhaps after each kiss. Of course that poses the question as to why.
I like how you skillfully hint at meaning by describing the kiss as an engulfing through hair, eyes, and skin and insinuate that his leaving or ghosting after that one kiss was caused by things during the kiss. This statement deepens the mystery instead of clarifying and leaves meaning up for interpretation. It seems to be mysteriously related to engraved arms, lavender hair, and snowflake skin because the speaker says that she wished he;'s love her DESPITE these things. But exactly how they relate is unclear. What is clear is that she or he is ghosted immediately after that kiss.
I love this kind of poem!
Just a few suggestions:
A hint on what exactly his words had been would have been nice.
I would have preferred no capitalization of the first letter of each and every line. It made understanding more difficult for me.
The word "more" led me to expect a comparison to something that is less. Since that thing that was less wasn't identified, I was confused. Perhaps you meant "additional" or "further"?
....a mystery enchanting as the words from your lips[.]
[Even though] one day I'll be your [always pass through a spell-checker.]
....one what[-]if
Looking forward to reading more of your work!
Thank you!