Your lungs are hot.
The air around you turns black.
It swirls around your head,
Closing in.
You remember to breathe,
Can't feel your lungs working.
The mind is a powerful thing,
And yours is over-circuiting.
Bad thoughts creep in, and
You can't expel them.
A few seconds of silence sends
Your thoughts into left field.
A place where your worst memories live,
Left field is a place full of mistakes.
You can't escape without help.
Knowing this, you grab for the dark glass next to you.
It swirls around in motion.
It smells tart and heavenly.
It whispers sweet blackness to you.
It can wipe out left field.
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139,865 Literary Works • 672,779 Reviews
Hey there,
I really like the idea of LEFT FIELF in your poem ... I mean its really thoughtful of you to describe the bad memories as a left field... Your piece of work is perfect and it requires ZERO editting.
" The mind is a powerful thing
And yours is over-circulating"
This *according to me* is the best line in your poem ...
HAPPY REVIEW DAY
Fangirl~
Great poem I loved how you described bad memories as living in a place called 'left field' as it really examined people's way of describing what they think bad memories are. Hopefully you can make more poems like this keep it up.
Thank you
Hi, Ruro here for a review
This was an interesting read. Maybe I'm really clueless and all, but I'm not really sure what you mean by the left field? I feel like you're referring to the left side of your brain?
I feel like you get into this really, really quickly. All of the sudden our lungs are hot and the air is black around us. What do you mean the air turns black? Does our vision go dark? Is it turning night? Why are our lungs hot? I feel like there's a lot here you could continue on about.
For me, personally, I feel like some poetry is straightforward and some are so in depth you have to know specific things to understand the poem. In this, I feel like you didn't write everything. I tend to do this occasionally with my own writing, leaving things out. Make sure, especially in a poem, in my opinion, to write everything you're trying to convey, then go back and fix it up and shape it. Think of it as a lump of clay. You get a big piece and then sculpt it down.
What kind of bad thoughts? What are our bad thoughts? I feel like you could extend on that, maybe. Thoughts of lovers, of pain? That's just me though, I like seeing a story in poetry.
I recommend overall making sure to define what left field is. I'm not really sure what exactly it is, even with your descriptions of it. Maybe use different words, you use "It" a lot.
In my opinion, this has a ton of potential but you just need to uncap it
This one must be wandering now
~Ruro~
That gave me a lot to think about thank you for your review!!
This poem was great! I loved it, I read it three times, because it was so good!
Thank you