Pent up anger over my brother basically moving back in with us because he spends his money faster than he can earn it, than calling me lazy and saying I did nothing all day. At least I don't have bills that need to be paid, and at least I don't keep making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. Sorry guys, but here's the poem, rip it apart:
Anger so hot and thick
Your tongue is heavy with it
Words meant to hurt and penetrate
Flee from your caged mouth
Locked up for so long
Dust had started to grow
You couldn’t take it
That was the last straw
Heat radiated from your eyes
Your gaze never leaving his own
It was time
He had to go, get gone
Men were good at not growing up
Adulthood never reaching their pea brain
Thirty-five in your mommy’s house
Waiting for an unstable wife to be faithful once again
Stop with all the games
Get the hell out
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137,843 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Personally, I really felt the ange flooding out of this piece and that's, really powerful.
One thing though;
What do you mean by get gone? I feel get going would fit better and sound better.
As the person below already mentioned, the flow wasn't as good as it could have been but I don't feel as though that's important. It's a blunt poem and that's the beauty of it in my opinion. Anger is blunt, anger doesn't flow. I liked the choppy-ness of the whole poem and your last really re-illustrated the anger.
I'd change the title to: 'Get out!' to 'Get the Hell out!' as I think that would tiy in with the last line better and pull the pome together.
Other then that, this review is terrible I apologise, but I really enjoyed this poem. You did well and the anger is really well demonstrated throughout.
Good job! *likes*
Kagi xoxo
Thanks for your honesty.
I love couplets.
It was okay for an on-the-spot poem. However, the rhyimng wasn't your best. You could do better next time.
I liked the descriptive words, though. Nice use of imagery. Also, I love the couplet part of it. I haven't seen a couplet poem in quite a while. Personally, I feel it could've been longer. Bleh, not much of a review. My apologies. But I liked it!
Good job. Keep writing.
- Ariel<3'