Young Writers Society

Rascalover,

Hi! I am not sure that I've left a review on a piece of yours before, so here's to a day of firsts!

There's a lot of deep stuff being reached at in this poem. I think the line that makes it the most clear and has the most emotional pay-off is the one about "Always half Christian living". It suggests that this is a constant state for the speaker (always) and that there's a lot more that they have to deal with than just their religious status (living), but that they're still aware that they're not meeting an ideal, whether they hold themselves to that ideal or they're held to it by others/dogma (half Christian). I especially appreciate that phrase because often half- is used to describe something that not really a choice, like half-baked or half-blood or something like that, but in THIS case, it's not about genes or family, but about the level of effort that is being put into existence, and I like that refreshing take on it.

One suggestion I would make would be to reveal a bit more of the narrative behind these lines. Right now they are quite mysterious, and that gives a good tone to the poem, but I am not quite sure why these emotional thoughts are happening, so I don't have anything to anchor the philosophy to and take away when I'm done reading. What images would go best with these emotions you've recalled? Which images come to mind right away? How could you work them in?

I hope these thoughts are helpful to you! If you have any questions or comments about my review, you can PM me or reply here. Thanks for sharing, and good luck!

Hannah

Legacy here for a review.

I really like the message you have in this poem. One thing I do have to say is that you started a rhyme scheme and then changed it about half way through. You started with an ABCB pattern until the line "The Devil straight pleasing. New sin conceiving." That is when you changed the pattern to an AAABACADE pattern. I don't mind the pattern change, but an unwritten rule is that to change the pattern, make a new stanza so that the rhythm doesn't mess up the reader.

Other than that; love the message and the imagery you use in this piece.

Hello, Rascalover! VegasLights here to give you a review!

I must say if I could I would give this poem 100 likes. I really love the rhyme scheme that you have which allows the flow to you know, flow even better. I really have no suggestions for you because this poem is truly wonderful! I love how there was hidden messages and descriptive words! It really built up the theme throughout your poem, so everything was just perfect. I hope you keep writing and never give up!

xo. VegasLights

(Previously Steam1244)

hi there,
======

this work is fairly clean and simple. i think you
really do have some skill in poetry - it could be bettered though.

i loved some of the hidden messages in your work.
how you constructed some of the words, like
this one:

Building up my wall,

The Devil straight pleasing.

For I'm only human,

Always half Christian living.

For I'm only human,

Always half the Christian.

A never ending game of pretend.