I pray the world
Your soul to keep
A perfect beauty
You came out of me
Yet, I cannot have you
No cries or gurgles
You’re blue
Eyes rolled to the back
Cold as ice and
Dressed like a porcelain doll
A still doll
That I held close for nine months
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I really like this poem.
For some reason, when I read the title, I first read it as "A Mother's Womb". This title actually fits the meaning of the poem but I like your title better. Was that title mix-up deliberate? If so, it's a very nice play on words, haha!
I like how you incorporated very simple, pithy lines for the poem. Like Butterfinger noted, it really captured the numbness of the persona. I liked how what the poem actually meant was not truly revealed until the last line.
The contrast between the second person language, "you", and first person language, "I", works perfectly for this poem.
Maybe my only suggestion is "cold as ice" is possibly a little cliche. I understand, though, that this needed to be a short line.
Hope this review was helpful.
L.B.
Thank you guys
This was beautiful...
Wow, this has simple yet very touching wording. I can feel the emotion because of the simplicity that you put directly onto paper. The only suggestion I would make, would be to add a bit of sensory description. This is a tragic thing and when I read it, it feels numb, like I'd imagine the character to feel, but it feels like your telling me bits and pieces and I don't get to see it because it's spelled out already. That's just me
Love your writing!