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18+ Mature Content

Purpose

by Rascalover


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

Drum. Drum. Drum.

My heart is quiet.

At peace.

With that comes discomfort.

What do I do with that?

***

My mind races.

Coming up with a way to fix it.

Picks my brain for forgotten anxiety.

What should come up now to stir the peace that surrounds?

***

New job.

Check.

Praise from those around me.

Check.

A new found purpose.

Check.

Leaving my old life where it was.

Check?

***

Breathe.

With folded hands and bent knees, pray.

What do I say?

***

Beaten and bruised by age four.

Sexually molested for six years.

Now, at twenty-four.

God, you want me to work on rehabilitating sex offenders.

Do I belong there?

***

Everyday is a trigger.

I watch them die a little on the inside as time passes.

Slowly morphing to the system.

Never alone to figure things out on their own.

Will they be successful on the outside?

***

Life is a crazy round-about way.

I never imagined myself here.

Death is something I envisioned more than a few times.

Through the darkness, I have stepped into purpose.

No more questioning the pain I hide.  


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Points: 3566
Reviews: 223

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Sun Oct 29, 2017 11:53 pm
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Mathy wrote a review...



Hi, this is ZeldaIsShiek, here to review another amazing piece of literacy and beat the Werewolves once and for all! For the Witches shall win in the end! But before that happens, I am going to help you improve your writing as a whole and improve you as a Young Writer in the process. Of this I am certain. I like all literacy, regardless of what genre or subject it is falls under. When I review your work, this will become apparent to you. Are you ready? Let's begin the review!

Wow... Just, wow... This poem has a very deep meaning that I can not fully grasp, but I can at least try to! I really liked the beginning. It felt velt clean-cut, as if the poet's secrets had been stripped away from them and their bare thoughts were revealed. However, as the poem continued, I realized that this was not the case. The truth was that this character had a past and was forced every day to confront that past with the pain they hide inside of themselves. They end the poem by stating that there is no more questioning the pain they hide inside of themselves from being sexually molested for six years and then dealing with sexual molesters... Wow... That's REALLY cruel! Who would do that to someone? Great work, as usual, and continue to write!

-ZeldaIsShiek




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13 Reviews


Points: 26
Reviews: 13

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Tue Oct 10, 2017 5:10 pm
ashpandas wrote a review...



Wow this was deep and very very good. I could also feel it on a personal level. I liked the flow I think and how the message is always clear and simple. I could understand and feel what you wanted me to feel. To be honest there's nothing I'd change about this. I think it's good exactly how it is and if you make any changes that should be completely up to you. Anyways to cut this short. Good job, good luck, and I hope to see more from you.




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364 Reviews


Points: 15980
Reviews: 364

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Mon Oct 09, 2017 4:32 pm
zaminami wrote a review...



Hello Rascalover! Kara here for a (hopefully) quick review!

Give me your soul.

With that aside, I'm not the best at poetry but here we go!

Bold = grammar and flow issues.
Italics = suggestions and overall
Strikethrough = remove
Underline = krazy Kara komments.

Spoiler! :
Drum. Drum. Drum.

My heart is quiet.

At peace.

With that comes discomfort.

What do I do with that? {The flow is kind of weird at this stanza}

***

My mind races.

Coming up with a way to fix it.

Picks my brain for forgotten anxiety.

What should come up now to stir the peace that surrounds?

***

New job.

Check.

Praise from those around me.

Check.

A new found purpose.

Check.

Leaving my old life where it was.

Check? {Ooooooo, I like that. The question mark really puts in the power in the statement}

***

Breathe.

With folded hands and bent knees, pray.

What do I say?

***

Beaten and bruised by age four.

Sexually molested for six years. {Dang, if this is true, I'm sorry about that}

Now, at twenty-four.

God, you want me to work on rehabilitating sex offenders. {Just a suggestion, but to fix some flow issues, I would put, instead of "work on rehabilitating sex offenders" I would put "work with sex offenders," but now that I type it, it kind of sounds weird lol}

Do I belong there?

***

Everyday is a trigger.

I watch them die a little on the inside as time passes.

Slowly morphing to the system.

Never alone to figure things out on their own.

Will they be successful on the outside?

***

Life is a crazy {in a} round-about way.

I never imagined myself here.

Death is something I envisioned more than a few times.

Through the darkness, I have stepped into purpose.

No more questioning the pain I hide.



Dang, this is powerful. Really nice job. This hit me in the heart a few times. Don't worry, you're not the only one to go through hard times, if this is true. If you need to, you can always PM me with any rants, okay? Okay. Great job on the poem.

Why haven’t you given me your soul yet? --

Kara

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745 Reviews


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Sun Oct 08, 2017 11:15 pm
Lumi wrote a review...



Hey there, Rascalover! This was difficult to read through multiple times, which emotionally is a good thing so let's talk about that!

I have to say first that the formatting you presented tuuuuuurned my eyes off so quickly. The old guard of centered and starred poetry irks me all the days of my life, and I think a lot of your flow could improve if you left-aligned and considered the white space given pacing and breath control. You have a sub-marketable flow, so give it some love and attention to bring out its smoothness. I have confidence in this, and I'm even willing to work with you about flow.

The message and meat of the piece is tough to chew for me because it hits hard; however, this does not mean there is a flaw. You've done subtlety service in good places and brought to a head the tension where it needed to be: right where you reveal the mangled turnpike that used to be your life. That is the checkpoint and pace-keeper for the remainder of the piece. Everything from this point on, as I read, dealt from the ten years of molestation (for which I had to mark this as 18+, just so you know.) It's a strong checkpoint. And it sets up the final stanzas with aplomb, as well.

My suggestion for the remainder is to give more characterization to the inmates. They're where your heart lies, and it's clear; they deserve more depth in the piece given what little space they have. I'm unsure about the ending line unless you plan to continue this in another piece? I believe a more finite ending would be somewhere along the borders of healing and self-revelation of some sort. Regardless, all of these notes--I hope they help.

All my best,
Ty





"Death is cheap, and so is life, but a reputation is not easily recovered."
— SirenCymbaline the Kiwi