You And The World That Holds You

Hello, MemroyHunter! It's review day!

First of all, I think you've got some really nice images that all go along nicely with a nature motif. That's definitely the strongest part of the poem.

I would say that the weakest part of the poem isn't all that weak-- it just leaves room for a little improvement.

The structure is what I'm talking about. I appreciate your experimentation with breaking stanzas up with roman numerals, but I don't think that it's necessary here. Generally roman numerals are used when the stanzas are so different from each other that they're used within a poem to show that though the stanzas are different, they're all connected in one poem. These stanzas are similar and I think it would be nice if you did away with them. Your nature motif is connection enough.

The repeated "you-" at the beginning of every stanza is unnecessary. I think you should take it out. While it might be nice to read aloud, you can keep that for the read-out-loud edition of your poem if you wanted. It's just really repetitive on the page, especially since you have the same word twice in a row at the beginning of every stanza.

Use stronger verbs at the beginning of your stanzas. Instead of saying "you are the breathing flame," say "You breathe like flame," or "you pulse like breathing flame." "are" is a weak verb, and changing these lines would add variety.

I like that you go through the four elements and then have an extra stanza, but I feel like you should connect them more. One way to do this is use the fifth element, the human element, or spirit. You could say that this person's spirit connects all of these elements and makes them a person-- that would be cool. As it is, I yearn for the imagery of the earlier stanzas in the last one.

Overall, I really enjoyed the strong imagery in the poem. I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy YWSing, and happy review day!

First off, wow, what a poem! I feel as though there is a deep love for nature present in this poem and I think your imagery really shows it off!
Your structure is effective in displaying the journey of the subject of the poem and it can be seen that the most outstanding lines tend to be the middle ones, I'm not sure if you meant it that way.
Besides all this, I truly find the poem well written and quite different to all the other ones I've read. Nature is a good choice for a poem as it displays all sorts of expression through the inevitable use of imagery and visual representation.
Just a word to the wise, I wouldn't degrade my poem in the little caption that addresses the poem. I find that those who take pride in their work often convince their readers of their work and its greatness.
Keep writing!

Oi! Just me, vva, here on this gorgeous Friday for a review.

Before I get started, I'd like to address something about your description. Don't devalue your own work. By doing this, you're inviting the reader to skip your piece and you're implying that your work (and essentially you) aren't something or someone that a reader should have high expectations for and takes away from your piece. Now onto the actual review!

We'll start with the negatives first and then we'll ease onto the positives, alright? Alright!

"You are the breathing Flame,
barely igniting a spark in the Dark
of a hushed world. Touching"

Though this is a strong introductory line and gets your poem off, I'm concerned about the word "barely". Please correct me if I'm understanding this incorrectly, but a breathing flame is very powerful and strong, right? So why is it just BARELY igniting a spark? The stanza doesn't need it there and it doesn't feel as though it has much of a purpose. Also, "Dark, hushed word." Doesn't sound very natural and also feels as though it doesn't serve very much purpose.

"inhales of your touch."

The of is unnecessary, this line (though a very gorgeous image) would have sounded a lot smoother without the of.

"Crashing into the rubbles of sand,
and breaking free onto the scent
of fresh, live land."

This part right here feels a bit awkward and I feel as though the words don't really mesh or sound well together.

"of every strawberry-scented hair."

The word hair doesn't feel as though it blends well with the rest. When I first read the word hair, I thought of a single strand of hair. There could have been another word or phrase to replace it and just feels forced into the sentence.

Now, onto the positives, hmm?

"every paper
inhales of your touch."

Okay, so I DID have some problems with this little area, but I can't deny that it is a very beautiful image and that I really liked it!

"Shake and break yourself -
rattle the soil with your bare fingertips,
and tremble the innermost core of you chest."

In my opinion, this is when your poem starts to really pick itself up and get a little bit stronger as a poetic piece. Your wording becomes a lot smoother and feels more natural.

"You are the bristle of brisk Wind,
drifting from one skin to another.
Kissing the tips of wooden chimes
that echo sweet, minuscule notes"

I really enjoyed the subtle alliteration of the words bristle and brisk, and you had great word choice here too! The words kissing, wooden, chimes, sweet, etc. sound nice and efficiently. They give an almost lyrical and musical touch to the poem.

Your last stanza was pretty good and conclusive.

Overall, this was a poem with a lot of great potential. You obviously have a great capability to articulate thoughts and have great talent. Stay writing!