Maybe

Hello. Nice poem. I love the parallelism and repetition used in this. It is very effective. There weren't that many things that I found that I didn't care for. The only thing I would have to say is try to read through the poem again because there seems to be some sentences that run on. You wrote,

"and slide away on your neck;
it's okay to let go."

In my opinion (take it or leave it) you should end the sentence instead on making it a semicolon. It is up to you, I'm just saying as a reader that it would have been much easier to read through if you shorten ans separate some of your sentences.

I also don't really understand your phrasing. The most confusing stanza I read was,

"Maybe,
I can work my hypnosis on
you, with the snap of my
magical fingers. And then,
you will open your two,
large eyes, shining -
only
staring at me."

I personally would write it,

"Maybe, I can work my hypnosis on you
with the snap of my magical fingers.
And then,
you will open your two large eyes
shining -
only staring at me."

Do you see how that flows just a bit better? If not, no one is making you listen to this review. This is just my opinion.

This is a great poem and I think you did a great job in word choice. Other than the flow issues, which I see has been pointed out before, I think this is a really amazing piece. Nice work!

MemoryHunter, I think that your poem was good, but the one thing that was confusing for me and was a turnoff was the way that you listed long sentences. Instead of using them in full length, you made them short and halting, which in turn made it kind of hard for me to follow. You also did use the long sentences as kind of a filler, so instead of continuing the sentence, you hit enter and continued the sentence which in turn made me re-read the stanza. What I did like was the repeating the word maybe in the first part of all of the stanza's, which in my opinion, made it more like a story that you were telling. I also liked the part when you were comforting the person you were writing to with tender and little things that made you warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Great Job, I hope you write some more of these poems.


~PoeticCowboy

MemoryHunter, I think that this poem is a little confusing as to what you are trying to say. Your thought jump around a lot. I think that is a drama in a way. Also your flow was good in some parts and in others it just was not there. I think that the use of Maybe was good and you used it in all the right places and it was not overused. I have to say that overall good job. Keep writing because you can only get better! I look forward to reading more of your work! Have a good day!
AshleyDashley