Dear Dorothy

'ELLO!
Okay first thing first, this was a lot less cr*ppy than my first work! so conratulations for that *lol*
the imagination is good and everything, but seriously i'm not going to point out the thigs you can impove here cause i'm sure people would have pointed it out to you...

but since this was your very first poem here (and i see u have came a long way from here) i'm at least gonna say well done!

none other than
FD46~

Hi! Hope Summers here for a review!
First of all, you have a pretty good idea of what a poem is. I definitely enjoyed reading it. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes so...great! I'm not good at that at all. so, well done. I think you could have been more descriptive though and you could've used mroe similes and metaphors. but you did pretty well. The rythym was pretty good to. I don't now much about poems, but you did a good job. Keep up the good writing!

Hope Summers

Hello, MemoryHunter, and welcome to YWS! I hope that you stick around for a while... or forever!

For not knowing how to write poems, you've certainly got some of the basics down. I see lots of beginning poets not even knowing how to format a poem! You also seem to have a pretty good grasp of grammar. I couldn't even write like this when I was 13. I applaud you.

That being said, there are a few things you could change and include to make this poem better.

The first thing I noticed was the lack of imagery. We have a few images, like a gold medal, the sound of the crowd screaming yes (though that wasn't explicitly described), and crying, I suppose, though that wasn't really an image. What I mean by imagery is using your five senses to describe what is happening. This poem does a good job of getting its point across, but it doesn't capture me and make me understand the moment in which this is happening. Try going through and using your five senses to create a scene around the character. What does it smell like? Feel like? Is she uncomfortable in her clothes? Does the guilt make her stomach churn like a stormy sea? Give us similes and metaphors to describe feelings, as well. Feeling emptiness might mean something to some people, but for most people, it's not a physical feeling as much as an emotional one. I don't even know what Dorothy is losing. A speech competition? A race for the track team? Give the readers some clues as to what she is losing.

Some poets might argue that leaving out the thing she is losing will make it harder to connect to-- that the point of the poem is the loss. I believe that the more personal the poem is, though, the more emotion can be conveyed through it, which makes the poem more effective.

Another thing you should take into consideration is where you break your lines. You mostly do a good job of breaking the line at the end of the phrase, but the line

well, congratulations then, you

This is a review.

This story was not only a thinker, it was also a bigger story. I do wonder...was it because Dorthy lost hope in herself, or was it because, she had enough medals on her shelf? Either or, this story is good. You should make one about yourself...unless this is about you..

Either way i hope they turn out to continue to make people smile. I like your title, and i like how it can relate to others.