I don't know why I can tremble in small crowds,
I don't know how I can speak so vaguely and triste.
I don't know why my face seems to break
beyond my touch, beyond my care.
I don't know why my heart seems to pound
on its own, quietly as if to say
I'm dead.
I don't know how I can manage this breathing scheme,
and I don't know how much of air I can take,
before my lungs vibrate in tremendous weight -
boom! my mouth opens wide, gasping for supply,
but my skin cracks before I can,
and it drowns in my very own tears.
I don't know why my chest feels empty,
after a single comment about me,
after shadows and shadows of figures
and shapes attack me, especially in sleep.
I don't know a lot of things -
including me.
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139,797 Literary Works • 672,771 Reviews
I really like this work. It shows how sad, depressing and dark your feelings and thoughts are. I hope that you do not feel this way right now.
I think my favourite is the second stanza because of the smooth and beautiful rhyme. This really deserves the read but it needs to be double checked as I saw some places have missing fullstop or commas. Maybe from all the feelings you had felt and thought of, you had forgotten and stopped thinking about such a tiny thing as that. I think you had done a very good job.
This may be not very helpful review but I hope you keep on improving.
Thank you for your review! I am really bad at punctuation, so I guess a little help on where I forgot to put a full stop or comma is much appreciated. Thank yoouuuuuuuuuuu again!
Welcome. You can always ask me for a full edit.
It's a fantastic poem! My only critique would be the varying line counts in stanzas. Truthfully, it's just a very literal negative. It's not something that you necessarily need to fix, but I'm crazy OCD about my poems and the number of lines in each stanza and things of that nature. I love the word choice, you have a gift to accompany two words together to make them mean something incredible. I love your ability to sketch your thoughts into poetry, and I think if you continue to write like this, you can do incredible things.
Thank you for your review! I'm the type of poet who makes things messy so I'm thankful that you pointed out my mistake.
I like the criticism and confusion in this poem. The uncertainty of how you feel about yourself and your emotions.
"I don't know a lot of things -
including me."
The agony is tangible, but the author doesn't know how to deal with it. The author seems to just be empty. And that is expressed extremely well in this poem.
"I don't know why my chest feels empty,
after a single comment about me,
after shadows and shadows of figures
and shapes attack me, especially in sleep."
Great poem!
Thank you for your review! Actually, I don't know a lot about my poems. I don't look inside them; I just write them. That's why I was shocked when you said that I didn't know how to deal with this tangible agony. And that I was empty. That was... weirdly accurate. o.o
Anyways, thank you so much ~
WHOA!
What? XD
This is amazing-- and I came out of YWS retirement tom say this!
MemoryHunter, This poem was so sad. I'm sorry you feel this way. It was a beautiful poem though. You have a knack for poetry. One thing I did notice though is that you did not capitalize your letters but some are. You might want to fix that. Your slow was good and it kept me reading. You did a very food job writing this. Overall this was a beautifully written poem. Keep up the good work! I look forward to reading more of your work in the future!
AshleyDashley
Thank you for your review! Also, thank you for being concerned. Most people would say that you shouldn't be sorry, I don't need your pity, but I don't want to say that. I want to say thank you because instead of trying to say it'll all be fine or it'll all wear off, you're there, trying to put yourself in my shoes or whatever. XD
Thank you really, and I appreciate the enthusiasm in my work.
Your Welcome MemoryHunter!
Wow.
Normally I would start my review with a greeting and then go on to the details. But this poem deserves a bit more. First off, how are you doing right now? From this poems style, wording, and apparent meaning; it seems that you may suffer from anxiety or panic attack. I do not know for sure if this is the case, but I'm sorry if it is.
Um, now on to reviewing. it looks like when you were writing you didn't (intentionally) capitalize any of the lines, although the 'i's at the beginning automatically did become capitalized, you may want to fix that and make them lowercase, but it actually looks good with your poem.
I did not see any spelling or to-crazy-even-for-poetry grammar issues. And I think you used very good wording. I really enjoyed reading this and I like your style. I look forward to reading more of your works in the future, so
Thank you for your review! The truth is, I always get anxiety attacks and whatever the hell happens with myself. I just deal with it through writing but I fear that it's not enough sooooo. Okay. Thank you for being concerned with my wellbeing!
Thank you for this review! (And I see that you're a phan too. Man, this is... lemme guess: Panic at the disco fan also? *o*)
Sometimes
usually when I'm writing. @fandomsNmusic is a Panic! At the Disco fan actually,
(I am in love with Panic)
They are pretty good
Hello!
*
Can I review this poem? ( asking to myself)
-yes. ( a reply to myself)
So here we go..
Firstly, I congratulate you on your second post and believe me it is too good to be your second post!
Then, I like the way this title relates to the poem by not exactly being relatable at the very first look. The opening lines are such strong bases for the rest of the poem as they grasp reader. The ending lines leave the reader with an uneasy and tragic feeling. I LOVE IT.
Moving on, I wish you would re-read your 3rd and 4th lines as they, together, don't make much sense. *well it may just be me, so take my suggestion just like a suggestion
Then the heart part, I know sweetie that poetry is spontaneous but a spontaneous feeling that sounds cliche does sound cliche. The ending lines of second stanza, the whole heart pounding thing..my dear, heart always pounds on it's own and if it does happen that means you are alive not DEAD!!! There I've got a suggestion for you-
"I don't know why my heart seems to pound
on its own, maybe it always had been
But now I hear it forcing me to life."
*this too is just my point of view XD*
Lastly,the next two stanza sound perfect to me. In fact I love the ending and the stanza before and the stanza before the stanza before too!
Overall I like your poem but I think it needs a thorough revision. That's it!!
Hope my review proves useful to you..
LOveS..
Thank you for your review! I have to say, the heart line thing is pretty stupid. I just did this in five minutes so I didn't expect it to be great. XD