we used to walk through blades of grass,
cutting everything in our paths -
we used to try to touch the sky pitch black and blue,
imagining our fingertips brush past the moon.
we used to wipe away all the tears,
reminisce off of adolescent years -
we used to lie softly on the ground,
leaning our ears to each and every sound.
we used to be memory hunters -
reckless and more than we ever could be.
we used to climb rooftops and scream,
all too loud, so that our lungs would give out.
we used to be memory hunters -
and like any other memory hunter,
we were forgotten and left
to relive our memories, again and again.
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127,661 Literary Works • 671,485 Reviews
Hi! Writervid here for a review!
First, love, love, love your poem. Reminds me of all the things I've lost and how much I keep searching for the same thing and the places I've missed. Made me go through a scrapbook, actually. So in other words--very, very effective poem.
I also really like your stylistic choice to keep everything in lowercase. Part of it makes me think if childhood because everything is so small and I remember learning to write lowercase before uppercase when I was a kid. It's a very subtle effect, but it works well.
Now--analysis and examination.
we used to walk through blades of grass,
cutting everything in our paths -
we used to try to touch the sky pitch black and blue,
imagining our fingertips brush past the moon.
The part of this stanza that doesn't make sense to me is the "cutting everything in our paths" line. How does that fit in? It doesn't quite make sense, at least to me, and the word "cutting" sounds sharper and harsher than other words you use here, like "brush". I'm not quite sure what you're going for here, so I don't really have many suggestions, but maybe rework that line?
Other than that bit, I quite like the stanza. It introduces the poem through vivid imagery that makes me feel softer and quieter inside, for the most part. It is the stanza that introduces WHAT we are missing, and works beautifully.
we used to wipe away all the tears,
reminisce off of adolescent years -
we used to lie softly on the ground,
leaning our ears to each and every sound.
I'm not sure why, but "off of" adolescent tears doesn't sound right. Maybe "we used to reminisce our adolescent years" instead of off of.
That's the only thing I had advice on for that stanza. Great job!
we used to be memory hunters -
reckless and more than we ever could be.
we used to climb rooftops and scream,
all too loud, so that our lungs would give out.
Two things here-- first, this line: "reckless and more than we ever could be." Before that you say that they were memory hunters. Were they reckless as memory hunters, or by hunting for memories did they become more than they could ever be? I might be reading a bit too much into this, which is why I might be confused. Just thought I'd share my thoughts on it.
The second thing I have is that "and scream, all too loud". There's no comma needed there.
I like the third stanza. It was expressing kind of a fierce joy, which worked well.
The last stanza I have no comments on. It was insightful, a sort of twist, and beautifully done.
Great poem! Sorry if I psychoanalised too much. I honestly really, really enjoyed it. Keep writing!
This is Kaos here for a review!
This was a great starting stanza for imagery. I liked what you were doing with the atmosphere of the poem and how you kind of set it up here. I think that in the second line there's no use to use a dash at the end of the line when a period will do it better. My main problem with this stanza is that it doesn't really do anything for the theme of the poem you're trying to create, and rather just focuses on the imagery and descriptions. Yes it's pretty, but what does it mean or contribute to? Let's compare this to building some sort of machine, everything in that machine has a function. What is this stanza's function in your poem-machine? Ask yourself that.
You start rhyming in this stanza, but you didn't in the last. I'd say to keep it consistent if you're going to rhyme in a poem, because the flow of the stanzas completely changes when you decide to start rhyming. It doesn't really do anything to positively affect this stanza, so I suggest to take it out and rather focus on something like the descriptions in this stanza. Use figurative language, descriptive words, strong metaphors.
The last line didn't really work for me, though the other ones here will be sort of explained.. It felt awkward to say "leaning our ears to each and every sound" and I thought it would be better if you placed a line similar to this about listening to the sounds of the earth.
The first two lines in this stanza talk about wiping away tears, and reminiscing off of times when you/the narrator was a child. Again, this sounds nice, but what more is there behind it? I didn't really find a reason for the lines to be here other than trying to contribute to the overall theme.
You could be more creative with the uses of your punctuation in this poem without going overboard, placing a semicolon where it fits, but also, when something as simple as a comma will work better than anything else, you don't have to replace it with a dash or semicolon or anything of that sort.
I liked this stanza more due to it actually paying attention to the main theme and having lines that made sense to be here. The first two lines of the stanza are nice, the end of the second worked well, while still being simple which was "more than we could ever be". In the third line, I suggest taking out the comma as it flows better if you leave it out.
I thought this last stanza felt kind of weak. I didn't think that the poem really ended off the way I was hoping it to. So, by now, I've kind of figured out or I'm interpreting the theme to be about someone who's stuck in the past rather than moving on, which I think is something that you could have put more emphasis on rather than having it sort of a mess.
That's all I had to say about this poem, I hope this helped and have a great day!
MemoryHunter
Hi, I am Ishan212 and I'm here to review your work.
Firstly, I'd like to admit that the title of your poem,'Memorabilia'was quite unique. I mean we do not get to read or hear such titles normally.
Second, your poem, if I'm not mistaken your poem is about an adolescent who is growing mature and is remembering his teenage years.
This nostalgic approach of your poem is really appreciatable.
I would also like to point out certain things.
The first and the foremost being the beginning of the sentences in your poem. We always must use capital letters while starting a new sentence or naming something......... I'm sure you would know all the basic rules of grammar. This not only makes your poem grammatically sound but also makes the reader a bit more involved in it.
More or less, it was a nice poem.
Keep Writing!!
Than you
Ishan212
Thank you for your review! I prefer to not capitalize anything in my less formal poems since it gives off a calm effect. If I'm not mistaken, it is okay to do so in poetry. Anyway, thank you for your awesome review!