The house feels empty,
the TV static.
Nothing's different,
except my growing beard.
A figure sits beside
my lumpy couch;
he smiles and
pats my thighs.
He whispers of
super random things.
Why do I smile,
when I know it's weird?
He's strange,
so strange.
He jumps in front of me,
I'm now below.
I stare into his orbs
Filled with soul.
He licks my ears.
And then my cheeks.
"What the hell?"
I speak out.
He scratches my face.
"Meow."
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139,447 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
So I actually love this poem so much! It's simple, some may even say a bit juvenile, but it really made me happy and amused. I adore the first stanza so much, I can't even explain it… "the TV static" is a line that I am truly envious of as a fellow writer! When it first started to talk about "him", I originally assumed that it was a cat or dog or otherwise furry family pet, but as it progressed, darker, creepier (and somewhat demonic?) assumptions began to consume my mind. What a delightful twist of a final stanza, when the reader asks the same question as the narrator: "What the hell?" until the final reveal of "Meow".
The only thing I might slightly edit is the third stanza. The "super random things" sounds a bit immature; perhaps try something like:
"He whispers of such
outlandish ideas.
Why do I smile
when I know it's odd?
He's strange,
so strange."
This would remove the slang-esque aspect of the piece, and make it more timeless (as it should be, for this poem truly did make my night).
Keep writing!
-wonderlandashes
Thank you for your review! Also, I noticed your avatar is Sailor Moon ^-^. (I'm a fan of the Sailor Moon manga and I love Sailor Mercury).
Hi! Here for a quick review~
I loved the ending of this poem, it really took me by surprise and made the rest of the poem make sense (in other words, you did a good job of tricking the reader!). A few notes:
-I would make the cat's actions slightly more cat-like, as some might be only confused at the end. For example, I found it strange for a cat to "whisper" in line 9 and 10, as I would not associate it with purring or any other sound a cat might make. I would maybe try describing its gentle breathing "next to my ear" or something, or look for similar characteristics and actions that both a cat and human have (*just an idea*).
-Line 2 sounded a little weird and incomplete. Unless you had a specific reason for simply stating "the TV static" or only phrased it that way for effect, I would change it to match the rest of the poem, which flows very well.
Suggestions:
~"the TV static hums"
~"with the buzzing of TV static" (a little too wordy?)
~other possible descriptive verbs: "drones" "rumbles" "screeches" "hisses"
~or any other way that connects the first two lines or makes "the TV static" a complete thought
Overall:
The grammar and stanza structure looked good. It also stays in present tense and its pronouns are consistent with first person POV. You vividly describe the scene and setting, and convey the strangeness of the cat's movements. I really liked this poem, keep up the good work! :3
Thank you for your review!
I usually don't reply on reviews, but I have to say, "the TV static" was my favorite line. I read the word "static" as the verb form, not the adjective. Funny how two people can react to the same line in such different ways!
Hey! Ever here for a review!
Was your friend a real cat or a person? I'm super confused!!
I don't know if you intended for this, but it kinda threw off my groove when some of the stanzas had five lines and some had four. Other than that, I just have to agree with what jessiebear said. Punctuation and then you're good!
Great job! This was super amusing and fun to read!
Ever
Thank you for your review! I know, I'm terrible at punctuations xD I'll try to improve. And also, thank you for telling me you were confused if it was a real cat or a person. I tried to make it so it was a cat, but judging by your feelings, I think I did a terrible job on that so thank you for pointing it out!
Okay what I liked about the poem.
It was very relaxing wile I read it. And the name of the poem is very interesting to. That is what made me read your work. You all so poult me in your poem and I could imagine what you where saying so well done. There was no spelling mistakes so this is a very good start to a very good poem.
Now what needs to be fixt in the poem.
Okay first of is these lines (Nothing's different,)(my lumpy couch;)(He jumps in front of me,) These lines need full stopes at the end of them. and don't for get to bout a capitol letter on the next line.
And that is all that needs to be fixt in this poem so that is very good.
This is the best poem I have ever read on this site
And I hope you have a good day are night ether one.
From jessiebear.
Thank you jessiebewr! This review is really helpful
You are welcome.