Too lazy to use html and
tags to break things. Meh.
............................................
Why do people think
that green is the trees
and green is everything
on this world that lives?
.
Green is sickness,
vertigo even
It is where
nausea is hidden
.
Green is the bellow
of envious hearts
and the quintessence
of jealous souls
.
It is the past
of dead leaves,
the past of broken things
.
Where there is life,
there is death
Green is life,
green is death
.
Green is what
creeps into you
suffocates you
and doesn't let
you escape.
.
Green is the whispers
of lascivious men
that sends chills
to your frightened bones
and
it was the color
of his stupid eyes
when he left me here
alone.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
137,583 Literary Works • 672,048 Reviews
Hullo MemoryHunter,
This is an interesting poem you have here. I like the relative simplicity of your concept, just looking at the colour green and the way you slide that into something a little more significant to your narrator.
What you might like to consider is reading this out loud, so that you can get a real feel for the rhythm of your poem. At the moment it feels a little jagged and uneven in the lines, without a lot of freedom for flow and movement between the lines. I can see that you worked on your imagery but I think you could consider expanding on it. Maybe something that could be included are more metaphors or similes to encourage your audience, your readers, to really get into what you're telling them and connect with the concepts that you're presenting.
Right now I can feel what you're saying but I do feel that it may have been more clearly and expressively said through a shorter poem with longer lines. Short lines in a stanza aren't a problem but I think that the added depth would be good for what you're presenting to us.
This is an interesting poem but I think with a little bit of extra work it could be something really good. If you do change this please let me know, I'd love to have a look at it. Thank you for posting!
- Penguin.
Thank you for this review! I will make sure to put in consideration the things you said~
Hi,
Green...
Aww...
**Review's Starting!**
A simple poem, such as yours, caught my eyes. I love on how people explain a single thing into prose of poetry. Indeed, green brought many things. If my mood is bad, I'd imagine green as disgusting, slimy and *coughs*. If my mood is good, I'd imagine green as a very calming images, swaying trees in the spring and my beautiful wallpaper I used recently... I would like to stress out that this poem got a good foundation: It is an extended metaphor you used, green. Many related things, good.
Well...
The speaker got an interesting prospect and mind (don't worry, it's not you) and despairing states. Despair is so relating to most nowadays, young poets like me. It may because we are young that most of our experiences might be filled with sadness that leads to despair and I write poems because I want to express my sadness--to condemn my despair into words. I surely want to know why the speaker speaks things like that and yes, you explained it in the end and I LOVE you. It got motive on why the speaker hate and think negatively about the green color that supposedly, a wonderful, calming, soothing color to many.
Enough with my preaching...
Don't you think that this poem got enough lines already? I think it is necessary to remove or combine the middle stanzas. They are somehow repeating and making me wanted to leave early just now. To me, the shorter the better, but if it's to be short, it must be meaningful enough to support it. First rule, don't ever, ever waste your readers' time. It making you look bad. Look below...
Don't you think this is repetitive? Don't you think this as boring and waste of time? Readers would grasp what you're wanting to say even you don't write that. In my opinion, try to combine this with others.
Don't you think the last paragraph is long...
I know what you wanted to emphasis on using the "and" to extend it. Rethink, is it helping? For me, it just a huge chunk of words... Well, a paragraph contains one point mostly. So by combining the two points into one would make it look like it has only one point and leads to another world... It is better to remove the "and" and make it two, 'kay? It's up to you. Consistency is good. And you could, make all stanzas four line only. Try to make this poem neat and tidy.
Overall feeling.
Touchy. You barely avoided cliche. Good emotions. Good points.
**The Review's Ending**
Keep writing! I'd love to read more...
~Memo
P/s: Green!
Thank you for the review~ I really appreciated the things you said and will follow the things you said. I prefer things unorganized so I did the poem like this, but what you said made me think about what I did. Thank you for that
Welcomes. I did worried about my choices of word there.. XD
Well, another thing regarding unorganized and organized. Think of a music sheet. Most good music and song have a very organized notes. To cheer things up, this organized music-sheet will make the musicians easier to play. Same concept applied on poetry too.
No problem.
Hi I love the poem it is fantastic so keep up the good work MemoryHunter.
Your friend jessiebear.
Thank you jessiebear :3
You are welcome.